The Smarmy Carny

Tennis, anyone?

When I first received these awesome rooftop tennis pictures in an e-mail, I thought they looked amazingly cool . . . and amazingly fake. Much to my surprise, however, I found out that these pictures are authentic!

The Burj Al Arab hotel invited Andre Agassi and Roger Federer to come play some friendly games of tennis on their grass ::wikipedia("cantilever", "cantilevered"):: helipad.

Despite my reluctance to believe the photos, my trusted resources at snopes.com confirm this to be real. I'm horribly impressed. It's the world's highest tennis court.

Of course, when I was in my college tennis court, we would always get upset when the ball flew out of the court area and over the fencing. (This explains why I prefer racquetball!) Just imagine the time to retrieve your ball from this court!

Here are three jokes revolving around bodily fluid. Still, for "dirty" jokes, these are pretty clean. And if you don't get it, try saying them out loud . . . and if you still don't get them, tell them to someone who will, and they will explain it to you. Enjoy!

Q: If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?
A: K9P!

Q: What did the teacher say to the student who peed himself?
A: Urine trouble, young man!

Q: If you're American in the kitchen and American in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European!

By now, you have likelye seen the "Ted Ferguson, Bud Light Daredevil" commercials. Ted Ferguson performs daredevil stunts for the camera, but the stunts aren't your traditional Evel Knievel bus-jumping stunts. No, Ted undergoes even more dangerous situations. In fact, these stunts are more along the tortuous type of stunt than anything else.

In the commercials, Ted Ferguson attempts dangerous, daring stunts such as:

• Listening to his girlfriend
• Staying two minutes late at work on a Friday
• Letting his girlfriend pick the movie
• Listening to an entire ::amazon("B00004WFPS", "John Tesh CD")::.
• Going shopping with his girlfriend during playoffs
• Having dinner with his girlfriend without looking over at a table of hot girls

Of course, after enduring the stunt for a short while, the timekeeper calls time, and the support team rushes in to supply Ted with a towel and a Bud Light.

Of course, you may view any of these commercials at TedFerguson.com. The site even promises a Ted Ferguson soundboard soon, which should be fun.

Sit back, watch the Ted Ferguson commercials, and enjoy. He suffers so we can learn . . . and laugh.

How to . . .

If you're anything like me and you frequently take public transportation, spend your lunch hour in mall food courts, or have textbooks that require book covers, you'll find FlapArt to be a valuable product. FlapArt really is merely a book cover, but with a twist for the mentally twisted. Michelle Watters is the genius behind these wonderful covers:

Awhile ago, my husband Brian said "wouldn't it be funny if you were sitting on the subway reading a book and on the front cover it said, How to Murder a Complete Stranger and Get Away with It? Imagine what people around you would think, especially when you finally finished the book".

There are quite a few various book covers available, including these ones:

• How to Murder a Complete Stranger and Get Away With It
• How to Make your Grandmother a Porn Star
• The Nutritional Benifits of Nose Picking
• How to Overcome Nymphomania
• How to Steal From Your Employer and Get Away With It

I'm not sure how these FlapArt covers will work for you . . . either it will help keep strangers at bay, or it will be a conversation starter. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell which of these contradicting results you'll get, which is disconcerting. I'm sure plenty of people will purchase FlapArt to start conversations, and others will buy FlapArt to keep that talkative old lady on the subway from even thinking about telling you of her day.

Either way, FlapArt is sure to give you personal gratification, knowing that even if you're reading a bit of ::amazon("0802844375", "Alvin Plantinga")::, people will think you're reading about "How to Make your Grandmother a Porn Star."

Peter Stormare stars in the latest series of entertaining Volkswagen commercials as V-Dub, a quirky German automobile engineer helping people to un-pimp their rides. Stormare, as usual, brings amazing life to the character, who talks in outdated urban-American street talk, despite the thick German accent.

Thus far, there are three Un-Pimp Your Ride commercials that I am aware of:

1. Mike / Sucking
2. Jason / The Lame
3. Trey / Catapult

I hope that VW continues to release more commercials featuring Stormare. Granted, the idea will get old quickly, but his character acting skills are immensely entertaining.

Here's a fun little list for my generation that sums up some pop culture items that we may have forgotten about, including a few that we wish we hadn't been reminded about. I've included links a-plenty on this, since every time I read one of these lists, I know that I immediately think, "Oh, snap! I wish I had that on DVD!"

You know that you grew up in the late 80s and early 90s if . . .

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCH!"
2. You watched the ::amazon("B0006MSO5K", "Pound Puppies")::.
3. You can sing the rap to "::amazon("B0006N2F0O", "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air")::" and you can do the "::wikipedia("Image:Carlton_dance.gif", "Carlton")::".
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-Sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH!" comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. You know what ::wikipedia("parachute pants"):: look and feel like.
9. You've ever watched "::amazon("B0009RQSSW", "Fraggle Rock")::".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "::amazon("B000AXWGRC", "DuckTales")::" (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch ::wikipedia("Saturday morning cartoons")::.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original ::amazon("6304698739", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"):: on the big screen…and still know ::wikipedia("List of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles characters", "the turtles names")::. [Novac's note: There are so many errors in this listing that I simply must address them. TMNT originally started as a comic book in 1984. The television series started up in 1987, and the movie followed in 1990. There's nothing "original" about the movie.]
15. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore a stonewashed Jordache jean jacket and were proud of it.
19. ::wikipedia("L.A. Gear")::….need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM ". (She's truly outrageous)
21. You remember reading ::amazon("0142401013", "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing"):: and all the ::amazon("0380814684", "Ramona Quimby"):: books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "::amazon("B0006OBPTA", "Wax on, wax off!")::"
23. You wanted to be a ::wikipedia("Goonie")::.
24. You ever wore ::wikipedia("1990s_fashion#Early_1990s", "fluorescent clothing")::.
25. You can remember what ::amazon("B00005QGAZ", "Michael Jackson"):: looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why ::wikipedia("Smurfette"):: was the only female smurf.
27. You took ::wikipedia("lunch boxes"):: to school… and traded ::wikipedia("Garbage Pail Kids"):: in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of ::wikipedia("slap bracelets")::.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember ::wikipedia("Hypercolor"):: t-shirts.
31. ::amazon("B00004CI6V", "Barbie and the Rockers"):: was your favorite band.
32. You thought ::amazon("B000BFO07I", "She-Ra"):: (Princess of Power!) and ::amazon("B000ALM4GW", "He-Man"):: should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade ::wikipedia("friendship bracelets")::.
34. You ever owned a pair of ::amazon("B000EGO2KY", "jelly shoes")::.
35. After you saw ::amazon("0790749408", "Pee-Wee´s Big Adventure"):: you kept saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "::wikipedia("I´ve fallen and I can´t get up")::!"
37. You remember going to the rink ::amazon("B0009QTQGE", "before there were inline skates")::.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a ::amazon("B00003CYPS", "Slip ´N´ Slide")::.
39. You have ever played with a ::amazon("B0006IGX8O", "Skip-It")::.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
41. You remember Popples.
42. Your motto was "::amazon("B000005H6Y", "Don´t Worry, Be Happy")::."
43. You wore like, FOUR pairs of socks over tights with ::wikipedia("Reebok Freestyle", "hi-top Reeboks")::.
44. You wore socks scrunched down and over your tight jeans.
45. You remember ::wikipedia("boomboxes"):: . . . and walking around with one on shoulder
46. You remember watching ::amazon("B00006JMSM", "both Gremlins movies")::.
47. You know what it meant to say "::amazon("B000068TPH", "Care Bear Stare!!")::"
48. You remember watching ::amazon("B0002J4ZY6", "Rainbow Brite"):: and ::amazon("B0004Z349U", "My Little Pony")::
49. You thought ::amazon("B00076YOZY", "Doogie Howser")::/::amazon("B0001Z3I1C", "Samantha Micelli"):: was hot.
50. You remember ::amazon("B0002DB5N6", "ALF")::, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
51. You remember ::amazon("B00000I157", "New Kids on the Block"):: when they were cool… and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".
52. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on ::amazon("B0000AKY3Q", "Saved by the Bell")::, The ORIGINAL class.
53. You know all the words to Bon Jovi's "::amazon("B00000I07N", "Shot Through the Heart")::."
54. You just sang those words to yourself.
55. You remember watching ::amazon("B0006BE0RW", "Magic vs. Bird")::.
56. Homemade Levi shorts . . . (::wikipedia("Daisy Dukes", "the shorter the better")::)
57. You remember when ::wikipedia("Mullet", "mullets"):: were cool!
58. Frizzy hair was IN.
59. You still sing "::amazon("B000001FCX", "We Are the World")::"
60. You tight rolled your jeans.
61. You owned a banana clip.
62. You remember "::wikipedia("Where´s the Beef?")::"
63. You used to (and probably still do) say "::amazon("B0002JZT5U", "What´choo talkin´ ´bout, Willis?")::"
64. You're still singing "::amazon("B00000I07N", "Shot Through the Heart")::" in your head, aren't you?!?
65. You've gone through this list, nodding your head in agreement.

Jon gets even sadder

LiveJournal user Lakini-Malich posted a now-deleted entry in February regarding a revelation he had concerning the Garfield comic strip:

An interesting thing…if you remove Garfield's thought balloons, it goes from an unfunny comic to a rather sad, poignant story about a lonely man who has wasted his life talking to his cat.

Of course, Jon was never meant to be hip, happening, or cool, but when you see him talking to a cat that isn't thinking back at him, you really start to understand how sad Jon really is.

A large number of examples (as in "pages and pages") of Thoughtless Garfield may be viewed on Truth and Beauty Bombs as well as the Something Awful forums.