About a year ago, a couple of my friends had me watch some of Mitch Hedberg's material, and it's hilarious. Granted, the written text is not as entertaining as when Mitch delivers it, but it's worth a read.
Here are some of the various one-liners Mitch threw out during his performances. (Since Mitch isn't a clean comedian, I have replaced profanities to help the family-friendly nature of the blog.)
- I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
- I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one . . . but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
- By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?
- I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."
- You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."
- I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo…' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" Liar! My fan  lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' [anything]!"
- At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the [heck] did you get that banana at?
- You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy, but oftentimes they use too many letters? "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters man, must I dial them all? "Hello?" "Hold on, man. I'm only on 'enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good. I can see why they hired you."
- If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.
- Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
- I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'… [Crap]!!… I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"
- All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!…And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."
- Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a [crappy] replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?
- I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria … This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
- I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."
- I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the [guy] gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the [guy] gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
- Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Holy [crap]! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"
Mitch Hedberg died from an overdose in 2005 after some awful and embarassing drug-related incidents. Nonetheless, his writing was genius, and it's worth it to purchase his CDs ::amazon("B0000DZ3HR", "Mitch All Together"):: and ::amazon("B0000YTOQM", "Strategic Grill Locations")::.
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