The Smarmy Carny

Last Planet Standing

On the most recent installment of Last Planet Standing, Pluto was voted off the solar system.

Each week, viewers watch host Sol Helios and his sunny personality as he introduces us to footage from the previous week. We get to watch the planets as they are forced to live together in the same solar system. Uranus is the early crowd favorite, particularly with his humorous catchphrase, "Are there gaseous clouds around Uranus? You bet'cha!" Pluto was likely voted off this week because of his controversial and disparaging comments on last week's show regarding Jupiter's big red birthmark.

In a universal vote, Pluto received the least number of votes, just half of the votes placed for the next-lowest contestant, Neptune. Venus also did not score well with the audience, due to her provocative and promiscuous behavior. Another unpopular planet, Mercury, won immunity last week in a race around the solar system, whereas Pluto came in dead last.

Next week, the planets will box each other for immunity. Rumor has it that Saturn is the best planet inside the ring.

Last Planet Standing is a new reality show that you haven't heard of that airs on a network you haven't heard of, and is not to be confused with the Marvel limited series from 2006.

Stars for Planets

A group of well-known celebrities closely following the Pluto fiasco have formed a pro-Pluto organization named "Stars for Planets."

Mickey Mouse's dog Pluto was barking mad over the topic. "I was born the same year that the planet was discovered, and that's how I got my name. Sad . . . just sad." The dog later observed, "76 years? Why, that's 532 in dog years, but less than one-third of a Plutonian year. Pluto deserved at least a year in the spotlight. The voters in this IAU resolution should be put on The Chain Gang!"

Popeye's nemesis Bluto could not be reached for comment. Police have also stated that they were unable to reach Bluto for interrogation comment. Bluto's agent released a statement that his client found the IAU resolution to be a Brutus brutal decision.

Xena: Warrior Princess seemed less concerned about Pluto and more concerned with another dwarf star that was denied the status of "planet" this week: Xena. The warrior princess commented, "I can't believe that Xena wasn't granted the status of planet. It's even bigger than Pluto, and it has been neglected for too long. You can be certain that this will create The Rift between myself and the International Astronomical Union."

Pluto's neighbor Neptune commented, "I never expected anything like this to happen to Pluto. He was always a nice guy, from what I saw: A quiet guy who kept to himself mostly. He always seemed friendly and never bothered anyone. It's just shocking that someone right next door could have this happen to them."

Additional celebrities in the group have yet to comment. Select members picketed in Prague today, near where the IAU voted to remove Pluto's status as planet. Picketers changed the following mantra:

Resolution five . . .
We don't speak that jive!
Resolution six . . .
is a sad, quick fix!
Resolution five . . .
Scientists connived!
Resolution six . . .
passed by lousy hicks!

Pluto the planet, R.I.P. — 1930 - 2006

The International Astronomical Union giveth, and the International Astronomical Union taketh away. The IAU stripped Pluto of its planetary status this week after setting some solid guidelines as to what constitutes a planet — guidelines that exclude Pluto.

Here are the official resolutions from IAU's news posting:

RESOLUTION 5A
The IAU therefore resolves that "planets" and other bodies in our Solar System be defined into three distinct categories in the following way:

1. A "planet" is a celestial body that
   1. is in orbit around the Sun,
   2. has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and
   3. has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.
2. A "dwarf planet" is a celestial body that
   1. is in orbit around the Sun,
   2. has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape,
   3. has not cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit, and
   4. is not a satellite.
3. All other objects except satellites orbiting the Sun shall be referred to collectively as "Small Solar-System Bodies".

The resolutions continue on to set Pluto's status as a non-planet:

RESOLUTION 6A
The IAU further resolves:

Pluto is a "dwarf planet" by the above definition and is recognized as the prototype of a new category of trans-Neptunian objects.

Well, Pluto, it was fun while it lasted.

I wonder if Venetia Phair (Venetia Burney) needs to give her five pounds back now. (As a note, Disney's Pluto coincidentally came out the same year that Pluto was named.)

Meaty and Zack
(Zack's on the right)

Zack's wish was a fairly common one for a 6-year-old boy. He wanted to have a dinosaur. In particular, he wanted a 130-pound Tyrannosaurus Rex like the one he had seen during Carnegie Museum's DinoMite Days.

Make-A-Wish® partnered with the Pittsburgh Zoo to help grant this wish. Zack woke up one morning to his mom telling him that a mysterious egg was uncovered at the zoo, and they were asking for anyone knowledgeable about dinosaurs to go to the zoo to help.

Zack, dressed in a khaki vest and sporting a magnifying glass and fossil brush, got a ride to the zoo in an H1 Hummer. He met with the zoo curator and met a dinosaur's descendant, the Komodo dragon.

After some research, Zack determined that the egg and tracks were none other than that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Zack headed to the Carnegie Museum's Big Bone Room to confirm his suspicions. While he was there, he helped clean a bone from a 9-million-year-old fossil.

After leaving the museum, he suddenly realized that the tracks were headed straight to his house! In his backyard, he found his 7½-foot tall pet waiting for him! The dinosaur had been cast just for Zack and was painted exactly how Zack wanted it — a green body with other carnivorous dinosaurs painted all over it. The dinosaur also had a tattoo with Zack's preferred name on it: "Meaty." Zack said that he named him Meaty because he eats meat.

Read more about Zack and his dinosaur adventures at Make-A-Wish®'s website, wish.org.

See Dick run. See Jane run. See Spot explaining the theoretical physics behind black holes and time travel.

That's right — Stephen Hawking is slated to write a tehoretical physics book with his daughter aimed at children.

Of course, the planned children's books will not be a straight, dry telling of the facts, but his daughter, Lucy Hawking, says that it will read more like Harry Potter, without all the magic involved.

This project really should come as no or little surprise. After all, Hawking is one of the few theoretical physicists to attempt (let alone accomplish) the feat of ::amazon("0553380168", "explaining theoretical physics in laymen´s terms")::.

The Blue Ghost from Pac-Man interrupts a college lecture about rapid equilibrium at Case Western Reserve University.

Despite what movies would have you believe, this is what made college so enjoyable when I went . . . moments like these:

Download the video if you so prefer.

Finally, something from the UN that I'll post positively about!

UNESCO (the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization) is backing a project they have dubbed the project of the 21st century. This project is titled KEO.

At the end of 2007 (or possibly in 2008), the satellite KEO will be launched into space for 50,000 years, when it will return to earth. KEO (named for the three most universal sounds in today's languages) will have a current-day map of the earth on its outer shell. Inside, there will be a diamond that includes an etching of human DNA and samples of current-day sea water, air, soil, and human blood; portraits of people including diverse nationalities; the astronomical clock, which future scientists will use to date the satellite; a "contemporary 'Library of Alexandria' offering a rational description of ourselves and our time"; and all our messages from individuals of today who wish to contribute.

What's this about our messages? That's right. Every person on the Earth is invited to write up to "four pages" (technically, you have 6,000 characters) of text to be included on the glass-tempered CD-ROMs to be included in KEO. All messages must be contributed by December 31, 2006. Other than length and time, there are no restrictions.

Interestingly, the KEO team says that on KEO's reentry, it will create an artificial Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) whose luminosity and glow will light up the sky, announcing its arrival.

Read plenty more on the English KEO website. As usual, Wikipedia's KEO page has plenty to add regarding KEO as well.

Hurry and get your message added — the deadline is December 31, 2006!

Not sure what type of message to write? Here are some messages that will be included:

… So I have a prayer for our future generations:
That you treat your children like the precious gifts that they are. Teach them to respect and love themselves, teach them to love, and to be tolerant of each other. We do that by example, because we have learned that children imitate the behaviors that are presented to them, educate them, give them hope, and keep them healthy. Yes, every child is worth the effort… Teresa, 46 years, USA

… Dear Future Beings,
I am writing to you with optimistic hope that you exist, that you have the science and technology to decipher this, and that you have the incentive and freedom to do so. One of my great interests is paleontology. It is ironic that if my physical remains exist at all now, they are probably in the form of fossils—similar to those fossils that have decorated my home… Chris, 45 years, USA

… Hello. Do you have special toys? Do you have a fireplace? Do you have a car? Do you have a closet? Do you have a blanket? I have three blankets. I can write my name: Kayla. What is your name? Do you have glasses? I like my mommy. I have a dog named Woo. Do you have a dog? I have a purple outfit. My favorite color is green.…. As dictated to her grandmother by Kayla, 4, USA

…Some time in the near future I will be strapped down on a gurney and poison will be run into my veins until I can no longer breath and my hearts stops beating…I hope that in your world politicians have to be against the death penalty in order to get elected. Or better yet, no politicians at all. They love to start wars but never do the actual fighting… Miguel, prisoner, USA

… I'll tell you how to make hamburgers. You need:

• 1 pound ground lean beef
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon pepper
• 1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
• 4 tomato slices (if you like them)

… Joshua, 10 years, Canada

… To whom am I writing? An evolved human being or some other life form? Maybe a roach. I’ve always felt that roaches will inherit the earth. Or maybe tube worms, protected from wars or disease down there near those deep ocean vents. If you’re a roach or a tube worm, then you won’t understand anything I’m saying. My thoughts will be as foreign to you as a trilobite’s would be to me. But maybe—just maybe—you are a descendant of human beings. 50,000 years isn’t all that long, actually. Many humans are now living to be a hundred. If a hundred-year-old human touches the hand of a newborn who then, when he or she reaches a hundred, touches the hand of a newborn, etc., it takes only 500 humans to form a 50,000 chain… Madge, 68, USA

…My favorite things so that you might better understand my world.

• Sitting quietly and petting my purring cat
• Feeling a cool breeze on a hot day
• Listening to the wind rustle the tree branches from my balcony
• Watching the snow fall
• Sitting on the beach edge with my toes in the water…
• Listening to foreign voices in foreign places
• Walking the streets of an unknown town
• Walking the streets of my home town
• Enjoying a good meal with friends and family

… Wendy, 37, USA