The Smarmy Carny

Last Planet Standing

On the most recent installment of Last Planet Standing, Pluto was voted off the solar system.

Each week, viewers watch host Sol Helios and his sunny personality as he introduces us to footage from the previous week. We get to watch the planets as they are forced to live together in the same solar system. Uranus is the early crowd favorite, particularly with his humorous catchphrase, "Are there gaseous clouds around Uranus? You bet'cha!" Pluto was likely voted off this week because of his controversial and disparaging comments on last week's show regarding Jupiter's big red birthmark.

In a universal vote, Pluto received the least number of votes, just half of the votes placed for the next-lowest contestant, Neptune. Venus also did not score well with the audience, due to her provocative and promiscuous behavior. Another unpopular planet, Mercury, won immunity last week in a race around the solar system, whereas Pluto came in dead last.

Next week, the planets will box each other for immunity. Rumor has it that Saturn is the best planet inside the ring.

Last Planet Standing is a new reality show that you haven't heard of that airs on a network you haven't heard of, and is not to be confused with the Marvel limited series from 2006.

Stars for Planets

A group of well-known celebrities closely following the Pluto fiasco have formed a pro-Pluto organization named "Stars for Planets."

Mickey Mouse's dog Pluto was barking mad over the topic. "I was born the same year that the planet was discovered, and that's how I got my name. Sad . . . just sad." The dog later observed, "76 years? Why, that's 532 in dog years, but less than one-third of a Plutonian year. Pluto deserved at least a year in the spotlight. The voters in this IAU resolution should be put on The Chain Gang!"

Popeye's nemesis Bluto could not be reached for comment. Police have also stated that they were unable to reach Bluto for interrogation comment. Bluto's agent released a statement that his client found the IAU resolution to be a Brutus brutal decision.

Xena: Warrior Princess seemed less concerned about Pluto and more concerned with another dwarf star that was denied the status of "planet" this week: Xena. The warrior princess commented, "I can't believe that Xena wasn't granted the status of planet. It's even bigger than Pluto, and it has been neglected for too long. You can be certain that this will create The Rift between myself and the International Astronomical Union."

Pluto's neighbor Neptune commented, "I never expected anything like this to happen to Pluto. He was always a nice guy, from what I saw: A quiet guy who kept to himself mostly. He always seemed friendly and never bothered anyone. It's just shocking that someone right next door could have this happen to them."

Additional celebrities in the group have yet to comment. Select members picketed in Prague today, near where the IAU voted to remove Pluto's status as planet. Picketers changed the following mantra:

Resolution five . . .
We don't speak that jive!
Resolution six . . .
is a sad, quick fix!
Resolution five . . .
Scientists connived!
Resolution six . . .
passed by lousy hicks!

Pluto the planet, R.I.P. — 1930 - 2006

The International Astronomical Union giveth, and the International Astronomical Union taketh away. The IAU stripped Pluto of its planetary status this week after setting some solid guidelines as to what constitutes a planet — guidelines that exclude Pluto.

Here are the official resolutions from IAU's news posting:

RESOLUTION 5A
The IAU therefore resolves that "planets" and other bodies in our Solar System be defined into three distinct categories in the following way:

1. A "planet" is a celestial body that
   1. is in orbit around the Sun,
   2. has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and
   3. has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.
2. A "dwarf planet" is a celestial body that
   1. is in orbit around the Sun,
   2. has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape,
   3. has not cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit, and
   4. is not a satellite.
3. All other objects except satellites orbiting the Sun shall be referred to collectively as "Small Solar-System Bodies".

The resolutions continue on to set Pluto's status as a non-planet:

RESOLUTION 6A
The IAU further resolves:

Pluto is a "dwarf planet" by the above definition and is recognized as the prototype of a new category of trans-Neptunian objects.

Well, Pluto, it was fun while it lasted.

I wonder if Venetia Phair (Venetia Burney) needs to give her five pounds back now. (As a note, Disney's Pluto coincidentally came out the same year that Pluto was named.)