The Smarmy Carny

Stars for Planets

A group of well-known celebrities closely following the Pluto fiasco have formed a pro-Pluto organization named "Stars for Planets."

Mickey Mouse's dog Pluto was barking mad over the topic. "I was born the same year that the planet was discovered, and that's how I got my name. Sad . . . just sad." The dog later observed, "76 years? Why, that's 532 in dog years, but less than one-third of a Plutonian year. Pluto deserved at least a year in the spotlight. The voters in this IAU resolution should be put on The Chain Gang!"

Popeye's nemesis Bluto could not be reached for comment. Police have also stated that they were unable to reach Bluto for interrogation comment. Bluto's agent released a statement that his client found the IAU resolution to be a Brutus brutal decision.

Xena: Warrior Princess seemed less concerned about Pluto and more concerned with another dwarf star that was denied the status of "planet" this week: Xena. The warrior princess commented, "I can't believe that Xena wasn't granted the status of planet. It's even bigger than Pluto, and it has been neglected for too long. You can be certain that this will create The Rift between myself and the International Astronomical Union."

Pluto's neighbor Neptune commented, "I never expected anything like this to happen to Pluto. He was always a nice guy, from what I saw: A quiet guy who kept to himself mostly. He always seemed friendly and never bothered anyone. It's just shocking that someone right next door could have this happen to them."

Additional celebrities in the group have yet to comment. Select members picketed in Prague today, near where the IAU voted to remove Pluto's status as planet. Picketers changed the following mantra:

Resolution five . . .
We don't speak that jive!
Resolution six . . .
is a sad, quick fix!
Resolution five . . .
Scientists connived!
Resolution six . . .
passed by lousy hicks!

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Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie have this great song truthfully titled "Every OS Sucks." It's funny because it's true.

There is a fairly lengthy introduction, but it's worth the wait if you're a computer geek. The song reminisces about the good ol' days when our computers never crashed. It's truly geeky snark at its best.

Be sure to check out the Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie site for more!

I've been (slowly) putting together a calendar of eccentric holidays on Google Calendar.

Unfortunately, I haven't come across any eccentric holidays for today, July 29, but here are some from the past couple days and from next week:

• July 27 was "Take Your Pants for a Walk Day."
• July 28 was "National Talk in Elevators Day."
• August 2 is one of the days of "National Dadaism Month." August isn't National Dadaism Month, though — this holiday's month is celebrated on 13 days throughout the year. That's dadaism for you.
• August 9 is National Underwear Day

If you head to the calendar, each holiday has a brief description and a link to available websites.

The calendar is a bit bare, as I have plenty more work to do on it. To subscribe to the calendar, log into Google Calendar and search for "eccentric holidays." Expect to see the days fill up more and more — The goal is to have at least one holiday on every day of the year!

In the spirit of the Tour de France, here are some bicycle-related jokes for this week's Thilly Thursday jokes.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired!

Overheard: The hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle is the road!

Man: I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
Woman: So what are you going to do, chain him up? Give him away?
Man: Nothing that drastic. I'll probably just confiscate his bike.

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on a shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A man on a bike was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border because he was carrying two sacks on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
The guard gave the cyclist a suspicious look and said, "Set the bags down so I can take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued week after week and the guard never found anything suspicious in the bags of sand.
After a year, the cyclist stopped showing up. A month later, the guard ran into the cyclist in the city while he was off-duty. The guard told the cyclist, "We haven't seen you at the border for a few weeks. You always had us wondering what you were up to! We knew that you were smuggling something across the border, but we never could figure out what it was. I can't take it any more — you've got to tell me what you were smuggling!"
The cyclist smiled and told him the truth: "Bicycles!"

The Power Workers’ Union (an Ontario-based organization) started the "A Better Energy Plan" campaign this summer to warn the public that if coal was removed as a source of power, blackouts would become commonplace.

The campaign included three commercials: "Stoplights," "Elevator," and "Pub."

The commercials aren't really astounding or anything, but "Stoplights" cracks me up every time I see it. "Elevator" really gets the point across, too.

Keep in mind that if you don't find these as entertaining as I did, there's no refunds on the time you wasted.

In the spirit of the 2006 FIFA World Cup, here are some jokes to pass the time. If you think these are bad, you should see the rest of them . . .

• Q: How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
  A: Somebody took a corner!
• The following sign recently appeared on the notice board of a factory in England:
  

  ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVEMENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC. MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.

• David Beckham walks into a pub. The bartender asks, "A pint of your usual, David?" Beckham replies "No, just a half, then I'm off."
• A young boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them. The judge asked him, "Why don't you want to live with your father?" The boy answered, "Because he beats me." The judge asked, "Then why not live with your mother?" The little boy replied, "She beats me, too." The judge, stumped, asked the boy, "Who would you like to live with if you don't live with your parents?" The boy thought about it and confidently answered, "The U.S. soccer team — they don't beat anyone!"

Here are the top ten things to say after being caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"
3. "Whew! I guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time."
4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
8. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down really close?"
9. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
10. Raise your head slowly and say, " . . . in Jesus' name, Amen."