The Smarmy Carny

Relaxed Football

Ever watch an NFL game and think "I could do that, if only there wasn't such a focus on physical requirements, running, etc."? Me too, but then I just go ahead and finish off my Smores Blasted E.L. Fudge cookies until I drift off to sleep.

This hilarious commercial is much better than I was expecting it to be.

What if an entire football team were given muscle relaxants right before a game?

Hilarity ensues.

Shaving my love for you, babe

Happy Valentine's Day, children.

To pass the time, here's a couple humorous lists for you.

Things women should know about men:

• No, you can't have the remote control.
• We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
• We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
• If you must take us out shopping, never, ever leave us alone in a lingerie store. All the old ladies make mean faces at us and this only adds to our discomfort.
• It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
• Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
• Burping and farting really do increase our mana.
• You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
• We really don't know where the other sock is.

Here's how women can try to drive their man crazy (on purpose, of course):

• Do not say what you mean. Ever.
• Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
• Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
• Look them in the eye and start laughing. (during an intimate moment)
• Cry.
• Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
• Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.
• Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
• Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes. Get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
• Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

Amelie's gnome

My wife mentioned that she wanted a garden gnome for Mother's Day this year. If I spoke Yiddish or ever used any Yiddish phrases, this is the point at which I would interject "Oy vey!"

When the subject of garden gnomes comes up, my mind instantly drifts toward the traveling garden gnomes. This was popularized in ::imdb("Amélie")::, but has been going on for at least a couple decades.

In the movie, Amélie steals her father's gnome, gives it to a stewardess friend, and has the gnome send pictures of himself from around the world.

Travelocity recently had a huge advertising campaign featuring a gnome that flies all around the world. They had set up a website whereismygnome.com and made it look like some guy named Bill was searching for his gnome. Good stuff.

I found an interesting paragraph in an online article at csmonitor.com regarding traveling gnomes:

David Emery, who covers urban legends for About.com, says that gnome-napping is an international phenomenon with at least a 20-year history.

"I don't know if it's possible to pinpoint the earliest instance of gnome-napping, but the first reported case of a 'roaming gnome' took place in the mid-1980s," says Mr. Emery. "It was documented by an Australian folklorist named Bill Scott, who wrote of a gnome disappearing from the front lawn of a Sydney family." Shortly thereafter, the family received a postcard from the gnome saying he was vacationing in Queensland. The gnome returned two weeks later, coated with brown shoe polish – a souvenir suntan.

You can also check out Nigel the Gnome and his travels. The site is so-so, but there are quite a few pictures there.

There's an organization I stumbled across a year or two ago called the Garden Gnome Liberation Front (a.k.a. Front de Libération des Nains de Jardin). Just as you might suspect, they are dedicated to liberating gnomes from the cruel slavery and bondage they are subjected to. They have liberated thousands of gnomes. One good site to read up on gnome liberation is freethegnomes.com.

While I was reading up on the subject, I discovered that three local college-age men in my area were arrested for having 14 stolen gnomes in their possession. I wonder how many man-hours were wasted tracking these kids down . . .

Q: How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Lets go ride bikes!

(Place your mouse to the right of the "A:" to see the answer.)

Louis the Weatherman

In college, I majored in Philosophy and Communication. One of the courses I took was Broadcast Journalism. My class had the opportunity to take turns doing all sorts of tasks, from producing to anchoring to giving the weather report.

I can tell you that it's definitely confusing when you're giving the weather report in front of a blue screen. You're looking at a TV or monitor next to you so you know where to point on the map that doesn't really exist behind you. You see that you need to point to the left, which means you really need to point to the right. Getting confused over something like this is understandable for your first time on the air.

Meet Louis. He suffers from this confusion regarding the weather map, but it goes a whole lot deeper than that. In this video, Louis tries to give the weather report. I'm not sure if this was for an actual college news broadcast or if it was for a class, but he suffers from the worst case of Red Light Syndrome I have ever seen.

This truly is painful to watch. If I were the anchor on that program, I would not have been able to retain my composure after that ordeal.

Louis' mind was as cloudy as his forecast.

Updated update: For crying out loud! All three links I posted went dead! I've reposted three more working links: Ebaumsworld.com and Gorillamask.net. Okay, it was three, but even one of those bit the dust, too. Ack!

Which Colossal Death
Robot Are You?

Have you ever taken time out of your day to think about exactly what type of colossal death robot you would be if you were a colossal death robot? If not, then today is that day.

This one has been around for quite some time, but since I have a new venue to publish my findings, I will throw in some old classics every so often. Some of these classics are so old that people who have only gotten online in the past five years have never seen them, and people like myself who have been online for ten years have just plain forgotten about them.

Go ahead. Answer the simple questions and find out the answer to "Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?"

I took the test, and it turns out that I am Gigantor. Bigger than big! Stronger than strong!

You are Gigantor!
Born in 1963, You are possibly the original colossal death robot, being one of the patriarchs of the current crop, and definitely an advocate of old-skool enemy-bashing. Why use a clumsy particle weapon when you can create supernovas just by flexing your arms? Your one minor weakness is that you are entirely dominated by some kid with a remote contol – still, don't let it get you down. You can sink a nuclear submarine with jazz music.

Enjoy.

This mindlessly entertaining link is dedicated to Johnny Carson, may he rest in peace.

Numa Numa Dance

I know I'm a bit late to this particular internet phenomenon, but I figured it was worth sharing anyway, since many have never seen this . . .

If you haven't seen the "Numa Numa Dance" (a.k.a. "Mya Mya," "Mya Hee, Mya Haa," "Hilarious Dude Lip Syncing," and many other things) video yet, you simply must take the time to watch it. It's basically a guy (Gary Brolsma) lip-syncing to a song titled Dragosta Din Tei by O-Zone.

You can watch the video here. I suggest clicking "View without subtitles" to see the best version in all its glory. You can also watch a larger version of the same video here, but that version also has dumb pictures interspersed throughout the video. I prefer to watch the weird guy the entire way through, thank you very much.

Uber-Update: Watch the New Numa Dance, too!

Update: I decided to add this link, since some people apparently want the info. Read the Dragosta Din Tei lyrics in both Romanian and English. If you're interested in buying the song, grab the single at Amazon. This import single includes the Original Romanian Version, the Original Italina Version, the Dj Ross Radio Mix, the Dj Ross Extended Remix, and the Unu In The Dub Mix. What more could you possibly want?