The Smarmy Carny

Q: April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

The Swan

After my Lost April Fools' Joke, I figured that I should post something worthwhile about Lost instead.

As usual, Sledgeweb posted a detailed map with each section typed overtop the previously illegible writing. It's certainly worth a closer look, considering the map mentions polar bear gene therapy, another hatch called "The Flame," and a treatment for disease.

Entertainment Weekly also grabs the map and details five of the phrases listed on the map with some very brief commentary.

We learned (again) that Locke's father continues his little scams or cons on his son. In fact, I'm still not convinced that Helen isn't part of Locke's dad's long con. That said, Locke's father is a con man . . . anyone else on the island looking for a con man?

Tomorrow's episode is, happily, Hurley-centric. We should see more of Hurley in the psychiatric institution, and maybe we'll get a chance to see Locke's mother in there as well this time. Having a Hurley-centric episode now is especially fun because Hurley complained about being out of the loop in the last episode. Be careful what you wish for . . .

This morning, Lost creators J.J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof announced that ABC would not be carrying a third season of Lost.

Citing creative differences along with increasing salary demands from the cast and crew, Abrams read a pre-written press release, showing no emotions:

J.J. Abrams

Over the past few months, ABC and the cast of Lost have attempted to come to an agreement on salaries and bonuses for a third season of Lost. Unfortunately, the cast demanded large pay increases due to the popularity of the show and ABC cited a declining ratings trend along with a decline in merchandice sales as their reason for retaining current salaries.

In addition, ABC has attempted to obtain creative control and dictate the plotlines for the third season that are not acceptable to me or to Damon. Because Lost was originally intended to run as a miniseries, we had not anticipated the task of retaining the secrets of Lost throughout multiple seasons. This fact has allowed a large percentage of the viewership to figure out many of the Lost secrets, which takes the fun out of writing for the show.

Because of these two issues and after much thought and consideration, Damon and I have agreed that the best course of action is to wrap up the Lost storylines at the end of the second season and terminate our relationship with ABC.

I'm not sure about you, but the Lost secrets have remained hidden from me! Perhaps they are referring to Sledgeweb's Lost Investigations page, or maybe they are referring to the speculation threads over on the LOST-TV Forums.

I'm curious as to which actors are demanding larger salaries, because they seem so happy with the show. Perhaps it's lead actors like Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly, or maybe the majority of the minor characters are demanding the pay that a normal leading role might bring in. As for ABC's demanding of creative control over the show, that's just rediculous! How could ABC think that they could do better than Abrams and Lindelof have done thus far? Whatever the reasons are, Lost will certainly be missed.

And, on top of that all, the worst part is that April Fools' Day!

Tennis, anyone?

When I first received these awesome rooftop tennis pictures in an e-mail, I thought they looked amazingly cool . . . and amazingly fake. Much to my surprise, however, I found out that these pictures are authentic!

The Burj Al Arab hotel invited Andre Agassi and Roger Federer to come play some friendly games of tennis on their grass ::wikipedia("cantilever", "cantilevered"):: helipad.

Despite my reluctance to believe the photos, my trusted resources at snopes.com confirm this to be real. I'm horribly impressed. It's the world's highest tennis court.

Of course, when I was in my college tennis court, we would always get upset when the ball flew out of the court area and over the fencing. (This explains why I prefer racquetball!) Just imagine the time to retrieve your ball from this court!

Here are three jokes revolving around bodily fluid. Still, for "dirty" jokes, these are pretty clean. And if you don't get it, try saying them out loud . . . and if you still don't get them, tell them to someone who will, and they will explain it to you. Enjoy!

Q: If a fire hydrant has H2O on the inside, what does it have on the outside?
A: K9P!

Q: What did the teacher say to the student who peed himself?
A: Urine trouble, young man!

Q: If you're American in the kitchen and American in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European!

By now, you have likelye seen the "Ted Ferguson, Bud Light Daredevil" commercials. Ted Ferguson performs daredevil stunts for the camera, but the stunts aren't your traditional Evel Knievel bus-jumping stunts. No, Ted undergoes even more dangerous situations. In fact, these stunts are more along the tortuous type of stunt than anything else.

In the commercials, Ted Ferguson attempts dangerous, daring stunts such as:

• Listening to his girlfriend
• Staying two minutes late at work on a Friday
• Letting his girlfriend pick the movie
• Listening to an entire ::amazon("B00004WFPS", "John Tesh CD")::.
• Going shopping with his girlfriend during playoffs
• Having dinner with his girlfriend without looking over at a table of hot girls

Of course, after enduring the stunt for a short while, the timekeeper calls time, and the support team rushes in to supply Ted with a towel and a Bud Light.

Of course, you may view any of these commercials at TedFerguson.com. The site even promises a Ted Ferguson soundboard soon, which should be fun.

Sit back, watch the Ted Ferguson commercials, and enjoy. He suffers so we can learn . . . and laugh.