The Smarmy Carny

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

My usual disclaimer:

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch are the audition episodes. Why? Because watching people sing is less-than-enthralling for me. What I do enjoy, however, is watching people not sing for judges. Even in the audition episodes, my mind quickly starts to wander when a good singer starts belting it out.

American Idol 5 auditions continued tonight, showing yet another bunch of "singers" trying out in Greensboro, NC.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from this third audition episode:

• Rhonetta Johnson #64390 — Rhonetta was clearly the producers' choice for this episode. They placed her last so that they could promo her audition the entire two hours. Rhonetta chose to wear a silver tube top, a too-short white skirt, and sparkly, silver boots. And when I say "too-short skirt," I mean completely unflattering. I'm no fashion expert, but you know you have a problem when your belly is pushing your tight skirt down in the front. Paula asked, "It says you think you could be bigger than J. Lo and Janet." Simon quickly replied "Well, in a way, she is." In her post-audition ranting, she said that Paula "could never be famous." Here's Rhonetta Johnson's audition video:

• Marcus Behling #63298 — Marcus claimed to have "won approximately three talent shows." Marcus' goal seemed to be to impress the judges by singing each note for as long as possible. For instance, it took him 14 seconds to sing the words "She's out of my life." Randy laughed and said that the song was going to take two hours at that pace. When asked if he had taken vocal lessons, he said that he was using the Randy and Paula DVD (Ultimate Voice Coach – Learn To Sing Like A Star!). This made Simon's day, as he couldn't get over that fact, and he noted that it was the best birthday he has ever had. Post-audition, Marcus took the DVD out on the street and beat it to death with a hammer. Watch Marcus' audition and subsequent DVD destruction.
• Sabrina Oakley #60731 — Sabrina referred to herself as "Sabrina, the teenage witch." Simon quickly noted, "Well, let's lose the 'teenage'." She claimed on her application that men always hit on her and when this was mentioned, she said something I found to be incoherent. Closed captioning tells me that she said "So I'm hoping Simon will hit on me." Sabrina sang off-key, so Simon said that it was less "hitting on" and more like "hitting." Simon also just had to point out that she was "more Jerry Springer Show than American Idol," and he actually had a valid point there. Simon later punctuated his sentiment by yelling "Y'all stole my sister!" Sabrina snapped and screamed about how she hated Jerry Springer.
• Shawn De Salazar #61172 — Shawn dressed formally for his audition and brought with him a large poster chronicling his "life story." Apparently, he was born the week before, because there wasn't much on there other than him traveling to Greensboro and wanting to get onto American Idol. Shawn was "on a mission to bring back standards" back to American Idol, and he sang one: That Old Black Magic. While he didn't sound horrible, Simon said that he sounded "distinctly average," and compared him to one of those singing waiters you might see in an unpopular restaurant. Shawn's little brother was pretty outspoken about his talents, and he seemed pissed after Shawn was turned down. "I think it's baloney . . . And you know what? Who needs American Idol?"
• Richard Garland #61769 — Richard brought his ventriloquist dummy Scotty. Unfortunately, Scotty did not join in on the singing portion of the audition, but he did compliment Paula before being shoved back into the box. As Richard left, Simon advised him that "There's nothing wrong with working with a dummy." Paula gave a knowing look, and said "I work with them all the time! All the time!"
• Ronda Jones #60123 — Ronda had a distinctly high-pitched voice that sort of reminded me of a mix between Spongebob's friend Sandy and Annie Potts (the actress you'd recognize as secretary Janine in Ghostbusters). Randy asked her what she was going to sing to prove that she was the next American Idol, and Ronda berated him for putting a lot of pressure on her. Ronda sang some Backstreet Boys, and Simon complained that it "sounded just like the original."
• Sergeant Steven David Jr. #60531 — Steven is in the International Guard, and he openly drooled over Paula before his audition. In fact, he bet Paula that she would have to dance with him if he had a good singing voice, and Simon accepted the offer. Paula was skiddish about the whole ordeal, likely due to the whole Justin Guarini psuedo-scandal. Steven had a good singing voice and got through, so Randy and Simon dragged Paula up to dance with him. As Steven left, Ryan escorted his wife through the door. Paula berated him for doing that. Watch Sgt. Steven David Jr.'s audition.
• Donny Meacham #60522 — Donny (attempted to) sing Bridge Over Troubled Water, but it didn't go well. Simon's vote? "Well, you just murdered one of the most beautiful songs of all time. You went from torture to murder."
• Chonna Clepper #63506 — After a cold interview with a "short" Ryan, Chonna entered the room wearing lingerie. She said that her (ex-stripper) mom went to a lot of lingerie shows and picked up a lot of stuff. Since the ex-stripping mom was doing it for her kids, the judges didn't berate the situation. (We won't get into that here.) Still, one has to wonder why one would choose lingerie for an audition. Simon later said that Americans have weird ideas about lingerie, and if he saw that, he'd say "Back in the bathroom, sweetheart!"
• Cedrick Robinson #60868 — Cedrick was apparently Fantasia's relative. You know how some families have a ton of musical talent in them from the youngest child to the oldest great-grandparent? Cedrick proved that this isn't the case here. After Cedrick tried some fancy voicework to end his song, Randy told him, "You went through about twelve keys right there." Cedrick said that he had been singing since he was three, but Simon replied that his voice hadn't changed much.
• Jimmy Crabtree #64076 — Jimmy has to be one of the least excited people to audition for American Idol. He spoke with a monotone voice, even when entering the room. Simon informed him that he had the "personality of a hippo."
• Sammy Neighbors #67572 — As far as effeminate, overweight men go, this is one of the best to audition for American Idol. Sammy clearly couldn't carry a tune if it was handed to him in a basket, but his stage presence was . . . undeniably unique. He chose to "sing" A Whole New World. He placed a red blanket on the stage as the magic carpet, but the magic carpet soon became a cape, a shawl, and possibly discarded lingerie in an imaginary striptease . . . I'm not sure about that, but I'd rather not examine it further. Also helpful was the literal pointing during the line "a new fantastic point of view." Sammy then broke into Paula Abdul's "Straight Up," and he shook his booty in a disturbing manner. Paula look away, frightened, but it wasn't clear if it was due to the butchering of her song or the booty shaking. Simon called Sammy "Sylvester Stallone's younger sister singing Paula Abdul ." Here's Sammy Neighbor's audition video:

• Seth Strickland #64916 — Seth was, apparently, a huge Michael Jackson fan. He had Jackson's clothes, and even attempted a couple of the dance moves. Unfortunately, Seth didn't seem to bring anyone's singing talent with him. In the middle of his song, he gave out an "Oh, crap" that was entertaining. Watch Seth Strickland's audition.

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.

Ahh, "Mahna Mahna." Yes, it rules, and it predates "Numa Numa" by quite a while.

Mahna Mahna is so great because it's one of those pseudo-popular things . . . something you can mention by name in a crowded room and instantly grab 5 or 6 people's attention, yet something you can also mention to a dozen people who have no idea what you're talking about.

For those that don't know, Mahna Mahna is a skit that appeared on The Muppet Show back in 1976. The song itself has quite a history, but the popularized version is, of course, the Muppets' version.

Statler asks, "The question is: 'What is a "Mahna Mahna?"'"
Waldorf replies, "The question is: 'Who cares?!?'"

Watch it here:

Watch or download Mahna Mahna at Google Video.

If you're still reading this even after I've posted the link, feel free to read some of these facts here, courtesy Wikipedia:

• "Mahna Mahna" is readily available on DVD and CD!
• The song was originally written in 1968 by Piero Umiliani for the softcore documentary Svezia, Inferno e Paradiso (Sweden, Hell and Heaven).
• In 1969 it was recorded by Henri Salvador under the title "Mais Non, Mais Non."

• The Muppet Show soundtrack album featuring Mahna Mahna hit number one on the UK charts.
• A cover was performed by Cake on For The Kids, a 2002 compliation album that also features Barenaked Ladies, Sarah McLachlan, Tom Waits, Darius Rucker, Sixpence None The Richer, Guster, Five For Fighting, and Billy Bragg & Wilco. The album benefits the VH1 Save the Music Foundation.
• "Weird Al" Yankovic references the Muppets sketch in "Couch Potato."

On CareerBuilder, I noticed a search result for "Tree Climber." Although I care nothing for working with trees, nature, or especially climbing, I just had to see what this job is about:

TREE CLIMBERS/FOREMAN
30 YEAR ESTABLISHED COMPANY IN THE BUFFALO AREA IS SEEKING RELAIABLE, EXPERIENCED CLIMBERS FOR A RAPIDLY GROWING TREE COMPANY. MUST HAVE CURRENT DRIVERS LICENSE. OUR BENEFIT PACKAGE INCLUDES MEDICAL. PENSION PLAN AND PAID HOLIDAYS. $20 + PER HOUR DEPENDING ON EXPERIENCE. CAREER OPPORTUNITY WITH UNLIMITED ADVANCEMENT.

My first thought is about $20+/hr "depending on experience." I can imagine people saying "I've been climbing trees since I was six, so that's plenty of experience."

My second thought is about their benefit package including medical. Is there a job that involves climbing trees where you don't get medical benefits???

Also, I never knew you needed a driver's license to climb a tree. Maybe you're driving some sort of tree-climbing vehicle up to the top.

In the end, I'm just horribly disappointed that they simply stated "unlimited advancement" instead of "Work your way up this company!"

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Crystal Parizanski

Thanks to the first week of American Idol auditions, this Saturday's Simpleton is Crystal Parizanski.

Crystal Parizanski was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
Simon: Yes, the tan.
Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
Simon: Yeah, yeah.
Crystal: I go tanning.
Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
Crystal: Oh, it is?

They called in Crystal's mother to see what she though, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own.

You can also view Crystal's MySpace profile, if you're so inclined.

There are two videos thus far:

1. Crystal's audition! You may also view this below as well.
2. The Lady Marmalade video, compiling multiple American Idol auditions using this song. Crystal appears twice: Once intially for just a second, screaming, and once at the end for about 45 seconds, trying to sing "More, more, more."

The 1½ Calorie Breath Mint

Lindsay Lohan says "Tic Tacs: They're not just for breakfast any more!"

I discovered this fake advertisement long before Lindsay Lohan admitted that she struggled with bulimia, but well after everyone already knew it.

Now that Lohan has admitted her bulimia, this joke has sort of become poor taste, so that's why I'm posting it.

While researching for this post, I discovered that Tic Tac is brought to us by Italian company Ferrero, the same company that makes Ferrero Rocher, Nutella, and Kinder Eggs!

Brice Mellen

We all know the kid that has amazing skills at a particular game, like that neighbor kid that not only knows all of the Mortal Kombat moves for every character, but refuses to teach you which button makes your guy punch.

Now, imagine going over and getting your butt kicked by this kid . . . and he's blind.

Brice Mellen, blind from birth, challenged other gamers at the DogTags Gaming Center in Lincoln, Nebraska. Of course, he won the games without too much trouble.

According to the DogTags site, Brice even beat Mortal Kombat creator Ed Boon at his own game . . . literally!

Take a look at Brice and one of his victories as well as his Today Show appearance.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

My usual disclaimer:

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch are the audition episodes. Why? Because watching people sing is less-than-enthralling for me. What I do enjoy, however, is watching people not sing for judges. Even in the audition episodes, my mind quickly starts to wander when a good singer starts belting it out.

The fifth installment of American Idol continued tonight, showing a slew of singers trying out in Denver.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from the second episode:

• Zachary Travis #37022 — Dude, looks like a lady. No, that wasn't Zachary's choice of song, but it was his choice of lifestyle. Zachary has the build of a female, with a mannish face, but quicly offered the information that he was frequently confused for a girl. Zachary wasn't dressed up like a drag queen, but the makeup, women's shirt, and girly belt didn't help matters. Of course, s/he played the prejudice card in what seemed to be a pre-thought out pseudo-rant, claiming that "America is prejudice and racist." Did I mention that Zachary is white? No? I didn't think I had to . . . until that quote. You won't want to miss the video of Zachary's audition and post-audition ranting!

• Nick McCord, a.k.a. "Flawless" #37614 — Nick's best gimmick was his wardrobe: matching hat, baggy shirt, and baggy pants, all with exactly the same pattern . . . and several sets of clothes, so he could have different patterns to choose from. Most people think of his suits as pajamas. Why "Flawless"? Here's the explanation, right from Nick himself: "I felt like I have one of these suits on, I might as well go ahead and call my something — my name something that it should be — name, which is very appropriate, which thereforth is Flawless, which was developed out of my mind." Of course, his day job is cleaning houses, but that's because he's a self-proclaimed "archtepreneur." Paradise Cleaning: "You come home, uh, with your home and . . . house smelling like — looking and smelling like paradise."
• Ben Hausbach #39705 — Ben is an inventor. In fact, he brought one of his inventions: The Cosmic Coaster. From what I could tell, it appears to be a strong circular magnet that floats above the stand and is held in place by three poles. The result? A highly unstable surface for you to set your drinks on. What more could you want? I think it won first place in the "Easiest way to spill your drink" category. Ben doesn't like to boast about his intelligence "because sometimes it intimidates people." I'm wondering who these intimidated people could possibly be — Simon, Randy, or Paula certainly weren't intimidated. Ben refers to himself as a triple-threat: "Singer, actor, inventor — I can dance a little." Considering his immense intelligence, Ben chose to sing "If I Only Had a Brain." When Simon turned down both his singing quality and his invention, Ben claimed that "You guys haven't given me a chance to evolve."

• Amanda Berg #39181 — Pre-audition, she showed off "the banana," a move she sort of made up on her own. I call it a "reverse somersault" . . . and, even in reverse, that's still considered a plain old "somersault." Amanda aspires to be "Whitney Houston" in ten years . . . perhaps she was referring to drug use and not singing ability. After attempting to sing to the judges, Simon asked her to rate herself out of ten. She gave herself a 6 out of 10, and Simon told her to "minus five-and-a-half."
• Erik Mena #35811 — Before heading into his audition, Erik resolved to stand his ground when facing Simon. After a less-than-poor performance, the judges did not say anything, prompting Erik to (nervously) stare Simon down. The music from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" started playing underneath the scene. Erik quickly dismissed himself. Watch the showdown.
• Garet Johnson #39702 — Garet is a third-generation cowboy who doesn't know more than the life of the ranch. In fact, he has never sang for humans before, yet he has had a Gonzonian chicken audience. You know you're off to a bad start when you can't remember the title of the song you are about to sing. Garet didn't sing overwhelmingly well, but there was obvious quality lying beneath the surface. Since Garet did not have money for vocal lessons, the judges apparently saw fit to give him some lessons, courtesy Fox. Upon his approval, Garet gave a very uncowboy like scream and jump, unless it was a scene in Brokeback Mountain. For more information on Garet, be sure to check out garetjohnsononline.com

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.