The Smarmy Carny

Every time a hurricane rips through the southeast, I think of all the schools that use the Hurricane (or a derivation) as their school mascot. I always wonder if the sports directors of these schools ever consider changing their mascot.

The ability of a hurricane to do so much damage is much of why the meteorological event is chosen as a mascot in the first place, so perhaps it only solidifies their decision. I would like to note that I have a personal belief that meteorological events should not be used for either team mascots or as the primary antagonist in movies. (Of Jessamyn West's seven plot distinctions, Man vs. Nature was always my least favorite.)

Of course, I don't think anyone should be pressured to change their mascot. After all, when a panther attacks people, I never wonder if those schools should switch mascots. When I'm driving through tire smoke on the highway, I never think twice about MLB asking Atlanta and Cleveland to change mascots. According to certain activist groups, nets disturb so many dolphins each year, yet New Jersey's basketball team doesn't seem like a mascot change is on the table. When the fighting Irish do their thing, my thoughts never lead to wondering about Notre Dame's future mascot. When my white sox don't fit on my feet or develop holes, Chicago doesn't cross my mind.

TCU Horned Frogs

Of course, I must now digress and discuss one of the best (and by "best," I mean "lamest") school mascots: The TCU Horned Frogs. Watch out! We'll hop right over you! Or perhaps we, like the actual horned frog, will squirt a fine, four-foot stream of blood from our eyes! Surrender now! There's also the NHL team, the Minnesota Wild. What does that even mean?

And I thought my school mascots were lousy simply because they were people-based mascots instead of animals!

This one is so bad that I just had to post a second simpleton today. This guy is a real winner.

This week's second simpleton is Mark R. Downs Jr..

Downs is the coach of a T-ball team, he loved winning, and he had a problem. He had a disabled child on his team, and league rules require that each player play at least three innings.

So, what would you do in this instance? Would you focus on training the disabled child to allow him to play the best he could play? Would you just play the kid in the three least important innings? Would you cheat and play the kid for less than three innings? Believe you me . . . we could hope that Downs had chosen simply to cheat in this way.

Nope. Downs had a different idea. Of course, who wouldn't? Naturally, he just followed his heart. He (allegedly) offered another T-ball player on the team $25 to intentionally injure the disabled boy so he couldn't/wouldn't play in the game. The disabled child was hit in the head and the groin by baseballs and did not play in that day's game. Mission accomplished, I suppose.

Downs was arrested and charged with criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and corruption of minors. Good times. Doesn't that match up with your childhood memories of playing baseball?

Olympic Baseball

The IOC voted to remove baseball and softball from the 2012 Olympic Games in London. This hasn't happened since polo was removed from the Olympics in 1936.

IOC members voted on replacements for the two sports, choosing squash and karate over rugby sevens, golf, and roller sports. Even then, they easily voted against adding them to the Olympic Games. Thus, the number of sports will decrease from 28 to 26.

Softball Federation chief Don Porter said, "I don't want to say it's an anti-U.S. thing, but they are two native American sports."

Australian Olympic Committee chairman John Coates blamed doping in U.S. baseball as marring the sport's reputation for the IOC. I'm not quite sure how to take this, because if "doping" is common, it's at the Olympic Games!