The Smarmy Carny

Inspired by the death today of the Saturday's Simpleton theme, I remembered one of the best resources for simpletons: the Darwin Awards.

By now, most people are familiar with the Darwin Awards. If you're one of the few who are still unfamiliar with the Darwin Awards, here's the official explanation:

In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.

You can read ::amazon("0452291925", "The Complete Darwin Awards")::, which includes 400 stories of Darwin Award nominees!

Entries include "Chimney-Cleaning Grenade," which teaches us to never weld a hand grenade to a chain . . . and not because the chain is dangerous. About a year before ::wikipedia("Characters_of_Lost#Leslie_Arzt", "everyone learned on Lost that old dynamite sweats nitroglycerin")::, the man in "Do-It-Yourself Landmine" learned it first.

There are plenty more to read on the site, and I suggest you read through some of the many selections if you haven't already.

Ever had a question for a ninja that you simply had to have answered? Well, here's your chance!

Check out Ask a Ninja. If you've come to this site, chances are you'll love it.

Don't miss an episode. Add Ask A Ninja as your MySpace or Friendster friend for bulletin updates and subscribe to the Ask a Ninja podcast via iTunes.

Click to watch

Gotta have more? Must have some behind-the-scenes footage? Impossible! Unless, of course, you check out an ABC News Video report on the Podcast Revolution featuring Ask a Ninja.

I look forward to killing you with kindness soon!

Here's a lesson for my mother: Clutter kills!

In Shelton, WA, a man reported his 62-year-old wife missing because he was unable to find her.

Officers arrived at the house and found clothing, boxes, dishes, and other items cluttering the entire house to an alarming degree. The Shelton Police Chief reported that clothes and debris were piled up to six feet high in places, forcing officers to crawl on top of the piles.

After ten hours of searching, officers found the woman buried under clothes in the home. Apparently, the piles toppled onto the woman, pinning and suffocating her.

This reminds me of another story about the "Crazy eBay Mom." I'm guessing she has the same risk factor, except she seems to be strong enough to push her boxes off of herself.

Perhaps this is the story I can relate to my children when they won't clean up their room . . .

Michael Vale, R.I.P.

On Christmas Eve 2005, Michael Vale, a.k.a. Fred the Baker, a.k.a. "The Dunkin' Donuts 'Time to make the donuts!' guy", passed away at age 83 from complications due to diabetes.

"It's time to make the donuts!" was and always will be one of those pop-culture phrases that will forever ring in my generation's ear.

I don't remember it, but Vale also played Soapy Suds in several 3-2-1 Contact episodes. He also appeared in three episodes of Car 54, Where Are You? as well as an episode of The Cosby Show.

Also, John Lovitz played Vale in a Saturday Night Live skit about Vale's retirement in 1997 that was sort of funny.

President George W. Bush issued the following statement on the passing of Chief Justice William Rehnquist:

Our nation is saddened today by the news that Chief Justice William Rehnquist passed away last night.

Laura and I send our respect and deepest sympathy to this good man's children, Jim, Janet and Nancy. We send our respect to all the members of the Rehnquist family.

William H. Rehnquist was born and raised in Wisconsin. He was the grandson of Swedish immigrants. Like so many of his generation, he served in the Army during World War II. He went on to college with the help of the G.I. Bill.

He studied law at Stanford University. He graduated first in his class. That included his future colleague Sandra Day O'Connor.

Judge Rehnquist and his late wife, Nan, raised their family in Phoenix, where he built a career as one of Arizona's leading attorneys.

He went on to even greater distinction in public service: as an assistant U.S. attorney general, associate justice of the Supreme Court and, for the past 19 years, chief justice of the United States.

He was extremely well-respected for his powerful intellect. He was respected for his deep commitment to the rule of law and his profound devotion to duty.

He provided superb leadership for the federal court system, improving the delivery of justice for the American people and earning the admiration of his colleagues throughout the judiciary.

Even during a period of illness, Chief Justice Rehnquist stayed on the job to complete the work of his final Supreme Court term.

I was honored and I was deeply touched when he came to the Capitol for the swearing-in last January.

He was a man of character and dedication. His departure represents a great loss for the court and for our country.

There are now two vacancies on the Supreme Court. And it will serve the best interests of the nation to fill those vacancies promptly. I will choose in a timely manner a highly qualified nominee to succeed Chief Justice Rehnquist.

As we look to the future of the Supreme Court, citizens of this nation can also look with pride and appreciation on the career of our late chief justice. More than half a century has passed since William H. Rehnquist first came to the Supreme Court as a young law clerk.

All of those years, William Rehnquist revered the Constitution and the laws of the United States. He led the judicial branch of government with tremendous wisdom and skill.

He honored America with a lifetime of service, and America will honor his memory.

May God bless the Rehnquist family.

Thank you all very much.

Less than meets the eye

In case you hadn't heard, Optimus Prime died on February 25 due to prostate cancer.

I haven't seen "Robot Chicken" yet, but apprently he died on the show of prostate cancer. The National Prostate Cancer Coalition picked up on this an issued a press release.

Here's a portion of the press release:

Optimus Prime Dies of Prostate Cancer
Popular Transformer's Death Calls for Annual Screening

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Pop culture fans are mourning the death of Optimus Prime today as the famous Transformer passed away last night from prostate cancer on the new Cartoon Network Show, "Robot Chicken."

"When it comes to prostate cancer, there's more than meets the eye," National Prostate Cancer Coalition CEO Richard N. Atkins, M.D. said. "Often times when one has symptoms for prostate cancer it's already in its late stages, that's why early detection is so important."

The scene from Robot Chicken, a new show created by Seth Green and Matthew Senreich, showed Optimus Prime with incontinence (or urination) problems followed by a trip to the doctor and then death.

"Being a Tractor Truck, Optimus should have known the importance of check-ups, oil, anti-freeze, spark plugs, the works," said Atkins.

Read the full press release. From what I could tell, Seth Green et al at "Robot Chicken" did not organize this with the National Prostate Cancer Coalition, but if they did, it would have been one of the neatest, coolest awareness campaigns I've heard of.