The Smarmy Carny

It's National Pizza with the Works Except Anchovies Day!

If you don't know what to order from the pizzeria today, you're probably just not paying attention.

So call up your local pizzeria and ask for a large pie with:

• pepperoni
• sausage
• mushrooms
• extra cheese
• bacon
• onions
• ground beef
• ham
• chicken
• green peppers
• red peppers
• jalapeno peppers
• tomatoes
• garlic
• black olives
• green olives
• pineapple
• salami
• prosciutto
• turkey
• artichoke hearts
• feta cheese
• spinach
• oranges
• oregano
• capers

. . . but don't ask for anchovies!

When you look through your kitchen drawers, you'll be surprised to see the dozens of tools and utensils available to help you make food. Even most bachelors have a relatively large number of such tools. Which are worth their salt?

• Basting Syringe: B The basting syringe earns points for its simplicity, but mostly it's just great because it's useful for indoor water fights, too. Just as we love miniature corn because they're so much smaller than we're used to seeing, the basting syringe is great because it's so much bigger than we're used to seeing.
• Can Opener: C If there was another way to open a can, the can opener would get an F. Most can openers have so many little blades and gears and such, it usually requires several minutes and an engineering degree to figure out how the darned thing is supposed to open a can. I've seen someone cut the entire upper section of the can off instead of just the top because of a confusing can opener.
• Candy Thermometer: F This is one of those tools that sounds a whole lot better than it really is. "A candy thermometer? Awesome!!! Oh, wait — you mean it's just a high-temperature thermometer? Rats."
• Cheese Grater: D Sure, it's a wonderful tool when you want to turn a block of cheese into a bunch of little tiny cheese shavings, but this device is really just a torture machine. Use this tool to get rid of any skin on your knuckles. Usually, you end up feeding your knuckles to your family because, let's face it, who wants to go and grate more cheese?
• Egg Beater: A Egg beaters are fun! Electric-powered egg beaters are good if you're making food, but the hand-operated ones are much more fun for anything else. Plus, if your sister starts annoying you, just let it rip and hold it up to her beautiful locks of hair. She'll leave you alone for at least an hour.
• Flour Sifter: A- This has always been one of my favorite kitchen tools. Crank it, and the flour falls out the bottom. No flour, no problem! You can have hours of fun just cranking an empty flour sifter and listening to the metal scrape along the sieve.
• Whisk: B- Simple, elegant, and a pain in the butt to wash. The whisk definitely loses points for being difficult to lick clean. And I wanted all the brownie batter!

Please feel free to leave a comment. What do you agree or disagree with, and why? Which kitchen utensils do you wish were included that I didn't cover here?

Condiments — what would we do without them? Eat our food plain? Enjoy the taste of the food we're eating??? Imagine the horror!

• Hot Sauce: C Hot sauce earns a middle-of-the-road grade because it can go either way. The name of the condiment itself promises only to be hot, so many hot sauces do not have a particularly good taste. In the end, its best uses are for novelty purposes and practical jokes.
• Ketchup: B+ Ketchup is one of the standard condiments, and it has earned that status. It's the standard condiment for America's classic food, the hamburger. It's so good, some people even like to use it on eggs. Plus, we've somehow got dozens of varieties of ketchup.
• Mustard: A- Mustard is another standard, typically for topping off a hot dog. Face it — who really wants to taste their hot dog? Mustard helps the nation ignore the actual meat between the condiment and the bun. Summer picnics wouldn't be the same.
• Relish: D This is the most overrated condiment of all time. Relish breaks one of my primary food rules by consisting of something pickled. Another broken rule is that it's a condiment in which you can pick out the various pieces of the food that created it. I don't want to see poor Larry the cucumber's sad face staring up at me from my food! Another problem with relish is that you never know if it's going to be sweet, hot, or whatever. If you're going to be a chunky condiment, you should still have more sauce than chunks and you better taste as delicious as tartar sauce!
• Tartar Sauce: A There's just something about tartar sauce that awakens my taste buds. I'm no fan of relish or mayonnaise, but tartar sauce takes two awful ingredients and turns them into a super-flavor. I've always said it: Fish is a great excuse to have tartar sauce.
• Worcestershire sauce: D- Based on taste alone, Worcestershire sauce would quickly fail with an F–. I think I'd rather eat raw radishes than spread any of this on anything I'm about to eat. The only reason this one gets bumped up to a D- is that it's one of my favorite fun words to say.

Please feel free to leave a comment. What do you agree or disagree with, and why? Which condiments do you wish were included that I didn't cover here?

America owns gluttony again!

In 2006, there was speculation that Joey "Jaws" Chestnut had a chance to beat Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi, who is the man when it comes to eating competitions. After all, Chestnut was the first American to break the 50 HDB (hot dog and bun) mark in 12 minutes. Chestnut ate 52 HDBs but still fell short in 2006, losing to Kobayashi by just 1¾ HDBs.

This year, however, the record was shattered yet again at the 2007 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Championship. The record of 53¾ HDBs in 12 minutes was set last year by Kobayashi. It was decimated as Chestnut ate 66 HDBs in 12 minutes. That's an average of 5.5 HDBs each minute, or one hot dog every 11 seconds!

Kobayashi recently had a wisdom tooth removed, but still broke his own record by eating 63 HDBs. He said he'll be back next year for a rematch.

The top six eaters all broke their personal records this year. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas upped her personal best and raised the women's record by downing 39 HDBs in 12 minutes.

As usual this July 11th (7-11), you can stroll into participating 7-11 stores for your free 7.11 oz Slurpee. While supplies last — "supplies" being the tiny cups. (I'll warn you that if you have to go far out of your way, it's not worth it due to the size of the cup.)

Something much more interesting is happening at a dozen 7-11 stores around the country: They are transforming into Kwik-E-Marts, the convenience store run by The Simpsons' own Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. From the logo on the store to the products inside, The Simpsons will rule the store. You can get a Squishee, the Simpsons version of the ever-popular Slushee. Also available are Buzz! Cola, Krusty-Os cereal, and Radioactive Man comic #711. Sorry, no Duff available, and you can't eat my shorts, either!

7-11s in the following locations will turn into Kwik-E-Marts for a limited time:

• Burbank, CA
• Chicago, IL
• Dallas, TX
• Denver, CO
• Lake Buena Vista, FL/Orlando, FL
• Las Vegas, NV/Henderson, NV
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York City, NY
• San Francisco, CA/Mountain View, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Vancouver, BC/Coquitlam, BC
• Washington, DC/Bladensburg, MD

To find out which 7-11 in each city gets the transformation, head over to the Kwik-E-Mart page.

You can also register for a chance to be animated in The Simpsons Movie.

Spring has returned, and you know what that means — time to start living in Wal-Mart again!

In March 2006, the Des Moines Register reported that Skyler Bartels had spent part of his spring break living in a 24-hour Super Wal-Mart in Windsor Heights, Iowa. Of course, Wal-Mart offered all the products he needed to do it.

Bartels entered the store wearing jeans and a t-shirt and was equipped with only a phone, medication, ID, and a credit card. He bought anything else he needed during his 41-hour stay at Chateau WM. From Subway food to pre-packaged snacks to underwear to toothpaste, Bartels purchased everything he needed. What was missing, though? Bartels complained that he could not find a bed to use.

Bartels finally bailed early after 41 hours because he saw greeters pointing in his direction shortly before a managerial meeting was announced.

Now that we have spring break returning this year, will Wal-Marts across the nation experience law-abiding shut-ins?

Eccentric Holidays

Tonight, celebrate Haunted Refrigerator Night. Dig your way to the back of your shelves — especially the bottom shelf — and see what frightening items you might find.

What will you find tonight? Three month old eggs? Six month old cheese? That bagel with cream cheese from last Christmas? That moving mystery item that scurries away before you can grab it? Every year brings new, surprising adventures!

Haunted Refrigerator Night is copyrighted by Thomas and Ruth Roy and Wellcat Holidays.