The Smarmy Carny

My nose bled

I learned a bit about humility today.

Driving down the highway to work today, I scratched my nostril because I felt a little tickle. Pulling my finger away from my face, I saw some blood. Last night I had some bloody mucus, so I figured that this was just some loosened residue. I panicked as I felt a sudden rush of blood rushing to exit my nostril. My reflexes allowed me to quickly reach for the glove compartment, where there were neither napkins nor tissues.

A drop of blood fell onto my jacket, and I panicked even more. Another reason for alarm was the fact that I noticed that my car had swerved over into the other lane of the highway. Moving back into the correct lane was easy. The nosebleed, however, continued to be problematic. My coat was bloody, and something needed to be done.

Suddenly, I noticed something in the glove compartment, sitting right out in front, that my wife had left there for emergencies. I don't think this was quite the emergency she had in mind when she left it there, but I was absolutely certain that it could, without a doubt, soak up all of the blood from my nosebleed.

That's right, you guessed it . . . and if you didn't guess it yet, then you're probably not old enough to know what I'm talking about.

Keep in mind that this is not the intended use, so it is quite difficult to figure out how to hold this properly. Do you hold it vertically and cover an eye, or do you hold it sideways like a large, awkward moustache?

So now, picture me, sitting at a red light, holding this pad up to my face, trying not to be seen by the trucker stopped next to me. The last thing I need is for him to radio ahead to any other truckers I might pass to keep an eye out for the guy with the feminine pad up to his face.

Itty Bitty Baby

Ann Coulter put out a great article on the topic of abortion that I finally got around to reading titled "Where's that religious fanatic we elected?"

In typical Coulter fashion, the article rips the pro-choice movement and the processes that got us where we are today. Common sense will show you the thoughts and feelings of typical Americans. If put up for a vote, Coulter feels confident that the pro-life stance would win handily and at least 38 states would adopt anti-abortion laws.

Here are some snippets from the article, but I suggest you read it in its entirety.

On the 32nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade this past Monday . . . President Bush told a pro-life rally in Washington that a "culture of life cannot be sustained solely by changing laws. We need, most of all, to change hearts."

Actually, what we need least of all is to "change hearts." Maybe it's my law background, but I think it's time we changed a few judges.

Only when at least five members of the Supreme Court stop pretending to see a secret, hidden clause in the Constitution, discernible only to members of the American Civil Liberties Union, and repeal Roe can Americans finally vote on abortion. This is a right we have been denied for 32 years. In effect, a 32-year gag rule has been imposed on those of us who respect every stage of life.

The National Abortion Rights League (NARAL) claims that if Roe were overturned, 19 states would immediately outlaw abortion, and 19 more would soon follow suit. This is the one issue on which NARAL and I agree: Pro-lifers already have changed the hearts of Americans about abortion!

In a Los Angeles Times poll a few years ago, 57 percent of respondents said they believed abortion was "murder." Seventy-two percent of women and 58 percent of men said they thought abortion should be illegal after the first trimester. (Among men currently listed on NBA rosters, the figure was even lower.)

Note that men in the poll were more supportive of abortion than women, which is perfectly in keeping with the pro-abortion orthodoxy that men should have no say in this matter, unless they're saying "yes, dear." Once again, NARAL and I are in agreement! It's a "woman's issue"; could you men please just butt out?

While I was looking for a picture to place on this post, I ran across some horribly gruesome pictures that I certainly won't post right on my page for all to see. If you can stand it and/or want to be bothered by some gruesome pictures, I will post them here. If you get queasy or don't want to see, just don't click. You have been warned. Gruesome, explicit pictures.1 2 3 4

I'd rather be anti-choice than anti-life.

Hillary RodHam

Hillary Clinton collapsed today in my neck of the woods. Yes, I have an alibi.

For some odd reason, she was speaking at Canisius College, a Catholic school. There were plenty of protests from anti-abortion groups and the Catholic diocese, of course.

Apparently she was "expected to discuss health care, not her pro-choice stance on abortion." Has anyone looked into exactly how Hillarycare deals with abortion? I'm not familiar with the details, but I wouldn't be surprised if you actually earned $500 for each abortion you receive.

Clinton later said that "It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds." What else would we expect a politician (especially one running for reelection) to say?

Badlands says: Where's the Beef?

Where's the beef? It's hiding in that gi-normous bun, that's where.

Apparently a 115-pound sandwich ate an 11-pound girl this week. No, wait, it was the other way around. An 11-pound sandwich ate a 115-pound girl this week. Wait . . . strike that. Reverse it. Grab the details on this story anywhere you want, but I most enjoyed this Foodmarket.com article.

Imagine working at a restaurant that has this 6-pound burger (11 pounds after all the fixin's) in order to bring tourists and other general business around. You've seen Badlands Booker come in three times to attempt to eat this monster in under three hours and fail miserably. You've seen dozens of tourists come in and take a shot at it, only to eat a quarter of the burger before giving up. And then, one morning you see a 115-pound girl named Kate Stelnick enter. Going for the monster burger, eh? Shrug your shoulders and deliver it up. Imagine the surprise, three hours later, when the plate is clean!

Competitive eater Badlands Booker attempted the feat three times, and only finished it once. This is what amazes me. When I heard that a lightweight ate a huge burger, I shrugged my shoulders. After all, many of the professional eaters are quite skinny. Badlands (who does not fit into either the "skinny" category or any compact cars) does this for a living and has won many eating contests, but he hasn't conquered this one yet, even after three attempts. This Kate girl is apparently an amateur. I think I can compare this with a random (non-all star) high school football team beating the Steelers. It's just mind-blowing.

In an era of "healthy" fast food (because when I head for McDonald's, I'm really thinking about a salad and bottled water) and in the wake of the "Super Size Me" documentary, we still take a moment to appreciate Kate's feat. See? We really haven't changed, and that's pretty darn comforting.

Update: katestelnick.com has linked to my blog!

Bobby Fisher

A couple nights ago, I started experiencing chest pains. In fact, they started right around the time I was setting up this blog. It has been a day and a half, and the pains persist.

The first night, my wife suggested the probability that it was merely indigestion (or, more accurately to my symptoms, heartburn.) She offered me antacid tablets, but I generally try not to take medicine unless necessary. If indeed it is simply a case of heartburn, I can easily survive this mild discomfort I am experiencing.

After 24 hours (last night), my wife got nervous and started calling me every hour or two to make sure I was still alive and had not suffered a heart attack. According to her, if it was gas, the heartburn probably would have subsided by now. In fact, she suggested that after work I should drive myself to the emergency room to get checked out. I quickly disagreed; If you have ever been to an emergency room (especially at 23:00), you know exactly what I mean. The emergency room is for people missing limbs.

According to the WebMD article on heartburn symptoms:

• Got it: A burning feeling in the chest just behind the breastbone that occurs after eating and lasts a few minutes to several hours.
• Got it: Chest pain, especially after bending over, lying down or eating.
• Don't got it: Burning in the throat — or hot, sour, acidic, or salty-tasting fluid at the back of the throat.
• Don't got it: Difficulty swallowing.
• Got it: Feeling of food "sticking" in the middle of the chest or throat.

Reporting these symptoms to your doctor is usually all that is needed for your doctor to diagnose heartburn.

Now, compare that with the WebMD article on heart attack symptoms:

It is possible to have a "silent heart attack" without any symptoms, but this is rare. Most people have chest pain and at least one other symptom, such as:

• Don't got it: A feeling of choking or a "tight throat," a lump in the throat, or a need to keep swallowing.
• Don't got it: A cold sweat.
• Don't got it: Nausea.
• Don't got it: A sense of impending doom.
• Don't got it: Difficult breathing or breathlessness.
• Don't got it: Palpitations, feeling your heart beat rapidly or irregularly. (Palpitations are very common and are usually harmless in a healthy heart, but they may signal coronary artery disease if brought on by exertion.)
• Don't got it: Numbness or discomfort in the arm or hand.

All that said/read, I was going with an extended bout of heartburn, so I had planned on taking those antacid pills . . . not so the minor pains subside, but so my wife will know that it's just heartburn and nothing else. Before I could do that, however, my wife called the doctor to see if I should go in and get checked out. The nurse I spoke with said that it was muscular (thus neither heartburn nor a heart attack. She suggested I take Advil or Motrin to keep the inflamation down.

Case solved.