The Smarmy Carny

Let's talk summer Olympics, shall we?

As with most people, I enjoy when the Olympics are on, because it gives you the chance to watch all sorts of . And let's face it — this isn't the 70s, when the Olympics took up "all three" channels for the entire day. You don't have to be inundated by the Olympics in the 21st century, because there are hundreds other channels to choose from! But nonetheless, despite the positive aspects to the Olympic Games, there are always things to complain about.

• I really enjoy getting a chance to watch some of these sports that you really have little or no opportunity to watch at any other time except every four years. Watching some of these sports, I also realize that we can't really take watching them more than once every four years. For instance, I have an extremely low tolerance for watching televised weightlifting, and while professional badminton is cool to see, I usually change the channel after a few sets.
• What's with this growing trend the past 10 years or so to run 5+ minute highlights for each and every Olympic athlete that you've never heard of before, and to run 30+ minute documentaries on the athletes you have heard of? A few athletes genuinely do have a story worth being retold, and Phelp's achievements really do take 30 minutes to retell. But many of these stories are average, boring people whose only interesting feature is that they're good enough at their sport to make it to the Olympics on behalf of their country.
• Sports that involve judges are never as enjoyable as races (e.g. swimming, track, cycling) and sports with an objective scoring system (e.g. soccer, basketball, table tennis). You basically watch gymnasts do these incomprehensible flips and turns in the air, and all you can tell is that it is bad when they fall down. The scores come out and you really just have to shrug and let the announcers assure you that it's an appropriate score.
• If I have to hear one more sportscaster ramble on and on about how so-and-so's coach is her dad, I'm going to lose it. We get it, but it's really not that uncommon. Many 16 year olds competing in the Olympics are that good because their parents did the same thing and have pushed their kids to follow in their footsteps. And since these parents are living vicariously through their children's accomplishments, they become control freaks and insist on coaching.

I'll take the summer Olympics over the Winter games any time, but we can discuss that in two years when those come around.

Thoughts, agreements, complaints, or criticisms? Please feel free to comment.

A car salesman congratulates a man on how much he already knew about the car. The man admits that he used cars.com's consumer reviews and dealer locator to help himself instead of using Plan B.

The car salesman asks what Plan B was, and the man explains that he was going to have a witch doctor shrink the salesman's head. He points out into the waiting room, where a witch doctor is sitting next to the other customers.

At that point, another worker, Jorge, comes into the office with a shrunken head and asks to have the rest of the day off because he has a tiny head. Sure enough, the witch doctor has started early. The customer admits that he should probably get the witch doctor out of the dealership.

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Easter egg: The salesman's name tag reads "Jason Karley." Jason Karley is a copywriter for DDB, Chicago, the agency responsible for this commercial.

Set to Habanera from Bizet's opera Carmen, a man arrives in his apartment, opens a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, and puts a small corner of a Dorito on a mouse trap.

After placing the mousetrap in front of a small mouse hole, he pulls up a chair and waits.

As soon as the man puts his hand in the Doritos bag and pulls out some chips, a huge man-sized mouse breaks through the wall and tackles the man, throwing him backward in his chair. The mouse is clearly a man in a bad mouse suit, but it seems to be intended that we suspend our disbelief and think of him as an actual huge mouse.

After the Doritos logo flashes, we see the mouse straddling the man, punching him in the head.

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This commercial was created by Billy Federighi in Doritos' Snack Strong Productions contest.

A homely woman with a unibrow, large mole, big teeth, hair clips, and frumpy fashion sense is fawned over by countless men as Frankie Valli's Can't Take My Eyes off of You plays in the background.

A tall, handsome man in an elevator gives her a look. Another admirer walks through a glass door as he ogles her walking out of her building. A coffee shop employee is engulfed in smoke as he is entranced by the woman and forgets what he's doing. Every man on the bus sits as closely to her as they can while a bicyclist pedals alongside the bus until he crashes into the back of a taxi.

Finally, we see the woman freshening up: After she has made herself ready, she opens a can of Planters cashews and rubs a cashew on her neck, wrist, and chest instead of using a perfume.

Planters — the all-natural aphrodisiac.

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An unsuspecting man is pushed into a car containing sleeping badgers that, "if awakened, they'd gnaw his face off. "

The people who pushed him into the car begin to fire cannons off outside the car, but nothing can be heard inside the car: Lucky for him, that car is the Toyota Corolla, which keeps the interior silent from outside noise.

As the man breathes a sigh of relief, his cell phone goes off, awakening the badger. The badger growls in the man's face, and we then move to the car's exterior.

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Toyota's slogan? "Live the dream for less coin."

A man shopping for a car explains to the car salesman that he did all his research on his cell phone with cars.com. He said it was that, or "Plan B".

The salesman asked what Plan B was, and the guy explains, "Oh, I was gonna have you fight Glondor in a stone circle death match."

We then see Glondor, a tattooed hulk of a man, pressing his fists into shards of glass and stepping into a fiery stone circle with the car salesman.

Glondor sounds a barbaric yawp, and the guy strongly suggests to the salesman that he should step out of the circle "to avoid any confusion."

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An office worker impresses his boss by showing him how he was shipping all the company's packages via carrier pigeons equipped with GPS tracking and night vision sensors.

For the large packages, however, he used giant pigeons and robes that almost immediately broke and dropped the packages right into the street, crushing cars. The pigeons then landed, pecking bread from a bread truck, drinking from broken fire hydrants, and causing accidents with feathers.

The boss immediately mandates that they will switch to FedEx.

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