The Smarmy Carny

Those of you who are hockey fans know that generally, professional players of the NHL caliber are usually pretty tall. In Canada and the USA, average male height is 5 feet, 9 1/2 inches. Martin St. Louis is usually referenced as one of the best "short" players in the league at somewhere around 5' 8". The Buffalo Sabres has the shortest player in the NHL with Nathan Gerbe, standing at 5' 4".

I have many friends in the Buffalo area, including one person who posts relentlessly on Facebook about Gerbe. As I was responding to one of these I accidentally typed in "Gerber" and suddenly it dawned on me: Buffalo has the "Gerbe baby"!

(Of course, if you don't know what/who the "Gerber baby" is, you won't get this joke.)

Of course, it's all in good fun. I love the Sabres and I highly respect anyone who can get into the NHL at that height — you've got to have an even higher work ethic to play at that level with that stature!

American Idol 7 started up this week, bringing us two episodes full of hilarious and frightening auditions. As usual, Idle Idols is blogging the funniest and most entertaining auditions.

We've only had two episodes thus far, but don't miss articles on the female linebacker, the crazed, hyper glitter woman, a song from a Paula Abdul stalker, an enthusiastic worshiper of Simon, a man willing to wax his chest hair, a psycho Star Wars fan, a fingernail collector, an unconvincing transvestite, and even a politician.

Be sure to stay tuned to Idle Idols for more updates during the rest of the audition season, which should last for three more weeks.

American Idol 6 is premiering on Tuesday, January 16, so naturally this Sunday's Site is Idle Idols, the web's home of the funniest American Idol auditions.

Idle Idols doesn't care about the winners and good singers. Idle Idols cares only about the William Hungs of this world. I know it and you know it: American Idol's entertainment value is derived primarily from the wacky, crazy, and lame auditions and the reactions this gets from the judges.

Idle Idols will attempt to blog each of the entertaining auditions throughout American Idol 6 and future seasons. For a trip down memory lane, you can also read through American Idol 5 audition notes that are posted there now. Rumor has it that previous seasons will also start to appear after the American Idol 6 auditions are over.

One of the highlights of Idle Idols are the Idle Interviews it gets from American Idol contestants. Thus far, it has already posted interviews from American Idol 4 reject and psychodiva Mary Roach as well as American Idol 5 rejects "Crazy Dave" Hoover, screamo boy Ryan Hart, and "Everybody Dance Now" Laurence Soares.

Idle Idols describes itself as such:

Idle Idols celebrates the phenomenon of breathtaking American Idol auditions — and not in the good way. When we say "breathtaking," we're thinking less of "exciting and thrilling" and more along the lines of "astonishing" or "I'm out of breath because I just ran four miles away from that horrid act."

Kelly? Reuben? Clay? Taylor? Never heard of 'em.

This is the world where William Hung is king. Other celebrities include Mary Roach and "Crazy" Dave Hoover. These contestants taught us that quality singing isn't nearly as entertaining as a good show. Bad singers, outrageous outfits, and your everyday, run of the mill psychopaths . . . that's entertainment!

http://idleidols.com/

Idle Idols is a sister site of The Smarmy Carny. Enjoy!

Thornton and Heder

School for Scoundrels looks to be an entertaining comedy revolving around a loser-turned-romantic battling a teacher of romance.

Roger (John Heder, best known as Napoleon Dynamite) is a down-on-his-luck loser who can't communicate properly with women. He has the ever-popular (and manly) job of NYC meter maid.

Tired of being pushed around whereever he goes, Roger enrolls in a confidence-building class taught by Dr. P (Billy Bob Thornton). He tells them not to bother with self-help books: "You can't help yourself because yourself sucks." Dr. P and his assistant Lesher (Michael Clarke Duncan) take the students through the dangerous yet effective confidence-building course. As promised, the program is successful for Roger: He switches from loser to lover and impresses his longtime crush Amanda (Jacinda Barrett).

After Dr. P congratulates Roger on his success, Roger makes the mistake of telling him, "Maybe one day I'll teach the class." This causes Dr. P's competitive side to come out, and Dr. P becomes obsessed with showing Roger that he is the master — by stealing Amanda away from him.

Watch the School for Scoundrels trailer and decide for yourself. Don't forget to check out the official site, too. The movie is scheduled to be released September 29, 2006.

President Bush was literally beside himself during his speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner, thanks to presidential impersonator Steve Bridges.

It is traditional that the president shows up and delivers a speech lampooning himself. (You might remember Laura Bush's dirty horse joke from last year's dinner.)

The highlight of the speech is a mental run-through of a phrase followed by the actual words uttered by Bush:

Internal President (Bridges): All right. Maintain. Be cool. Let’s give this a try: "We must enhance non-compliance protocols sanctioned not only at IAEA formal sessions, but through intercessional contact."

External President (Bush): “We must enhance non-compliance protocols sanctioned not only at E-I-E-I-O sessions, but through intersexual conduct.”

Will Albino, a senior at Wilmington's Catholic all-boy Salesianum School, asked female students at Wilmington's Catholic all-girl Padua Academy to sign a petition to end ::wikipedia("Women's suffrage", "women´s suffrage"):: . . . and all to a They Might Be Giants tune!

This prank was originally performed on The Man Show in 1999 and successfully repeated here in 2006 by Albino and Brian Giarrocco. They claim that they had not seen the sketch from The Man Show, but that a fellow student suggested the idea.

Of course, Albino and Giarrocco got into a small amount of trouble for their efforts — one day of detention. Also, as expected, Padua's principal estimated 95 percent of the school's students knew of suffrage before the video. According to Albino, only 4 out of 24 girls (16.7%) refused to sign the petition . . . and one of those girls signed, but she signed "Your mom."

You can read plenty more about the video on Ryan Cormier's Pulp Culture blog as well as Brothers Gentry.

This has got to be The. Funniest. Blonde. Joke. Ever!

I first heard this one over at planetOzh. Check it out there.

For the latinos, you can check out "El mejor chiste 'de rubias' de la historia."

If that site has technical difficulties, head over to Chosen Ones.

Good times.