The Smarmy Carny

There was another bit of Spanish in this week's episode of My Name Is Earl, Frank's Girl. Throughout the episode, Joy and Catalina get into a war over . . . pooing themselves, of all things.

After Joy exacts her revenge on Catalina and takes a picture of the result, Catalina pops her head outside of the women's bathroom door and shouts:

Esperamos que no te daba asco este cuento, nosotros pensabamos que era chistoso!

The "unilingual" viewer assumes that Catalina is yelling at Joy and is possibly promising her own revenge. What Catalina is actually yelling at Joy, however, is:

We hope that this tale doesn't disgust you. We thought it was funny.

At least the writers of Earl know when they may be close to crossing the line on their humor.

Since all the bugs are hopefully headed into hiding for the wintertime soon, here are a few bug jokes you can tell them while they're still hanging around. Remember: I'm not responsible for rolled eyes, shaking heads, or any other ridicule you might experience as a result of telling these jokes!

Q: What has six wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!

Q: What insect does well in English class?
A: A spelling bee!

Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team!

Q: What type of bugs live inside clocks?
A: Ticks!

Q: What did the boy fly say to the girl fly?
A: Excuse me — Is this stool taken?

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they have honeycombs!

Man: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: The backstroke!

Q: Why did the spider test drive the car?
A: So he could take it for a spin!

Q: How do fleas prefer to travel?
A: By itch-hiking!

Q: What do you call a bug with four wheels and a trunk?
A: A Volkswagen Beetle!

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple!

In the spirit of the Tour de France, here are some bicycle-related jokes for this week's Thilly Thursday jokes.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired!

Overheard: The hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle is the road!

Man: I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
Woman: So what are you going to do, chain him up? Give him away?
Man: Nothing that drastic. I'll probably just confiscate his bike.

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on a shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A man on a bike was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border because he was carrying two sacks on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
The guard gave the cyclist a suspicious look and said, "Set the bags down so I can take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued week after week and the guard never found anything suspicious in the bags of sand.
After a year, the cyclist stopped showing up. A month later, the guard ran into the cyclist in the city while he was off-duty. The guard told the cyclist, "We haven't seen you at the border for a few weeks. You always had us wondering what you were up to! We knew that you were smuggling something across the border, but we never could figure out what it was. I can't take it any more — you've got to tell me what you were smuggling!"
The cyclist smiled and told him the truth: "Bicycles!"

In the spirit of the 2006 FIFA World Cup, here are some jokes to pass the time. If you think these are bad, you should see the rest of them . . .

• Q: How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
  A: Somebody took a corner!
• The following sign recently appeared on the notice board of a factory in England:
  

  ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVEMENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC. MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.

• David Beckham walks into a pub. The bartender asks, "A pint of your usual, David?" Beckham replies "No, just a half, then I'm off."
• A young boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them. The judge asked him, "Why don't you want to live with your father?" The boy answered, "Because he beats me." The judge asked, "Then why not live with your mother?" The little boy replied, "She beats me, too." The judge, stumped, asked the boy, "Who would you like to live with if you don't live with your parents?" The boy thought about it and confidently answered, "The U.S. soccer team — they don't beat anyone!"

Here are the top ten things to say after being caught sleeping at your desk:

1. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
2. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"
3. "Whew! I guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time."
4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
8. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down really close?"
9. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
10. Raise your head slowly and say, " . . . in Jesus' name, Amen."

About a year ago, a couple of my friends had me watch some of Mitch Hedberg's material, and it's hilarious. Granted, the written text is not as entertaining as when Mitch delivers it, but it's worth a read.

Here are some of the various one-liners Mitch threw out during his performances. (Since Mitch isn't a clean comedian, I have replaced profanities to help the family-friendly nature of the blog.)

• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
• I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one . . . but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
• By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"?
• I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."
• You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn," and call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it "Mitch," then reattach it and call me "Mitch-all-together."
• I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo…' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings?" Liar! My fan [] lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' [anything]!"
• At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the [heck] did you get that banana at?
• You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy, but oftentimes they use too many letters? "Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too many letters man, must I dial them all? "Hello?" "Hold on, man. I'm only on 'enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good. I can see why they hired you."
• If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals because you will run out.
• Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
• I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't Disturb." "Do not" psyches you out. "'Do', alright! I get to disturb this guy! 'Not'… [Crap]!!… I need to read faster!" I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"
• All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!…And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."
• Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a [crappy] replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?
• I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria … This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."
• I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right."
• I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the [guy] gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the [guy] gave me the 'donate to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it'!
• Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
• A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Holy [crap]! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

Mitch Hedberg died from an overdose in 2005 after some awful and embarassing drug-related incidents. Nonetheless, his writing was genius, and it's worth it to purchase his CDs ::amazon("B0000DZ3HR", "Mitch All Together"):: and ::amazon("B0000YTOQM", "Strategic Grill Locations")::.

On the finale of My Name Is Earl this week, another Spanish-language joke was included for latinos and the rest of the Spanish-speaking viewership.

A drunken Joy receives her certification to give body piercings and blathers, "I'm legal, [to Catalina] unlike you." Catalina points her finger menacingly at Joy and says:

Con esto concluimos nuestra primera temporada de Earl. Estamos muy agradecido acompañamiento. Anticipamos verlos el proximo otoño.

After Catalina says this, Joy laughs heartily and passes out onto the floor. Again, the tirade appeared to be an insult (probably profane) thrown in Joy's face. And, once again, the comment was actually directed at the audience. Here's the translation:

With this, we conclude our first season of Earl. We are very grateful for your viewership. We hope to see you next fall.

The show has included a few Spanish language stunts. Read up on the other jokes at the My Name Is Earl category.