The Smarmy Carny

Valid Signature?

Back in the day when I used to work in retail, I was a stickler about credit card signatures. If a card was not signed, I would insist that the person either sign the card with their signature or "Ask for ID." If their card was not already signed, I insisted on photo ID as proof of identity.

Most of the people who don't sign their cards offered the excuse that "if someone steals my card, they will know what my signature looks like and will be able to forge my signature." I wryly pointed out to these people that if the card wasn't signed at all, a thief could sign their name in the thief's handwriting and would not even need to learn to forge the signature in the first place! The runner-up excuse for not signing the card is that "no one ever checks it, anyway." Of course, wasn't I proving their theory wrong by checking the signature?

I once engaged in a verbal argument with a customer regarding the credit card. She absolutely refused to sign it and would not write "Ask for ID" on the back of the card. Usually I would allow the "Ask for ID" signature, but legally that is not valid, either. I pointed out the sentence, clearly written on the back of the card above the signature field that read: "Not valid unless signed." Go ahead, check any of your credit or debit cards . . . it's written there. Apparently this wording was a bit too murky for the customer, who started screaming about forgetting about the entire purchase, which was probably a whopping $20 or so. In my faux-friendly customer service tone of voice, I explained that the company was simply looking out for her and the security of her accounts by checking the card's signature. I had something to prove, and so did she. I honestly can't remember how that ended up, but as I try to remember, my mind remembers that she angrily signed her card and slip and huffed as I slowly compared the signature to the one on her ID. Good times. Retail is great . . . for me to poop on.

Given my feelings regarding credit card signatures, I was amazed at the results of the Credit Card Prank on Zug. Granted, he "cheats" (in my opinion) by running out on a couple before the cashier could raise any objections. According to the site:

Credit card signatures are a useless mechanism designed to make you feel safe, like airport security checks. So my question was, how crazy would I have to make my signature before someone would actually notice?

He feels he proves his point because he was still charged, but I disagree. If the store has a signed receipt and the person left with merchandise, you better believe that they will charge the card instead of taking an immediate loss on the merchandise (and an immediate increase in shrink). Leave it to the customer/victim to sort out the problem if it was fraudulent use. That's just business.

Rod Ham

Hillary's first night as President in January 2009

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

On her first night, the ghost of George Washington appears.
Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears.
Hillary again asks, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says . . . "Go to the theater."
(Place your mouse between the quotes to see the answer.)

WMD Found!

Weapons of mass destruction (a.k.a. WMD) were found in Iraq this morning at 06:35 Iraq time! Read all the details here. It seems that some inspectors accidentally stumbled upon the WMD in a very unexpected place.

April Fool's! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick!

(Place your mouse to the right of the "A:" to see the answer.)

Shaving my love for you, babe

Happy Valentine's Day, children.

To pass the time, here's a couple humorous lists for you.

Things women should know about men:

• No, you can't have the remote control.
• We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
• We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
• If you must take us out shopping, never, ever leave us alone in a lingerie store. All the old ladies make mean faces at us and this only adds to our discomfort.
• It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
• Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
• Burping and farting really do increase our mana.
• You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
• We really don't know where the other sock is.

Here's how women can try to drive their man crazy (on purpose, of course):

• Do not say what you mean. Ever.
• Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
• Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
• Look them in the eye and start laughing. (during an intimate moment)
• Cry.
• Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
• Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.
• Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
• Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five minutes. Get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
• Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

Q: How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Lets go ride bikes!

(Place your mouse to the right of the "A:" to see the answer.)

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch (or half-watch, to be accurate) are the audition episodes. Psychodiva Mary Roche (aka Mary Guilbeaux and sometimes written "Mary Roche") was the final contestant shown on last night's show. Basically she acted a little strange (a bit Canadian, if you ask me) and did some standard awful singing, self-described as "pop rock meets broadway meets jazz and R&B". The judges then hand it over to Simon to explain to her that she is one of the worst they have ever heard. This prompted Mary to later say "The fact that they said that . . . that doesn't make me want to pursue any kind of singing career." I really don't think she understands that this really was their goal.
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