The Smarmy Carny

Thornton and Heder

School for Scoundrels looks to be an entertaining comedy revolving around a loser-turned-romantic battling a teacher of romance.

Roger (John Heder, best known as Napoleon Dynamite) is a down-on-his-luck loser who can't communicate properly with women. He has the ever-popular (and manly) job of NYC meter maid.

Tired of being pushed around whereever he goes, Roger enrolls in a confidence-building class taught by Dr. P (Billy Bob Thornton). He tells them not to bother with self-help books: "You can't help yourself because yourself sucks." Dr. P and his assistant Lesher (Michael Clarke Duncan) take the students through the dangerous yet effective confidence-building course. As promised, the program is successful for Roger: He switches from loser to lover and impresses his longtime crush Amanda (Jacinda Barrett).

After Dr. P congratulates Roger on his success, Roger makes the mistake of telling him, "Maybe one day I'll teach the class." This causes Dr. P's competitive side to come out, and Dr. P becomes obsessed with showing Roger that he is the master — by stealing Amanda away from him.

Watch the School for Scoundrels trailer and decide for yourself. Don't forget to check out the official site, too. The movie is scheduled to be released September 29, 2006.

Since all the bugs are hopefully headed into hiding for the wintertime soon, here are a few bug jokes you can tell them while they're still hanging around. Remember: I'm not responsible for rolled eyes, shaking heads, or any other ridicule you might experience as a result of telling these jokes!

Q: What has six wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!

Q: What insect does well in English class?
A: A spelling bee!

Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team!

Q: What type of bugs live inside clocks?
A: Ticks!

Q: What did the boy fly say to the girl fly?
A: Excuse me — Is this stool taken?

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they have honeycombs!

Man: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: The backstroke!

Q: Why did the spider test drive the car?
A: So he could take it for a spin!

Q: How do fleas prefer to travel?
A: By itch-hiking!

Q: What do you call a bug with four wheels and a trunk?
A: A Volkswagen Beetle!

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple!

Last Planet Standing

On the most recent installment of Last Planet Standing, Pluto was voted off the solar system.

Each week, viewers watch host Sol Helios and his sunny personality as he introduces us to footage from the previous week. We get to watch the planets as they are forced to live together in the same solar system. Uranus is the early crowd favorite, particularly with his humorous catchphrase, "Are there gaseous clouds around Uranus? You bet'cha!" Pluto was likely voted off this week because of his controversial and disparaging comments on last week's show regarding Jupiter's big red birthmark.

In a universal vote, Pluto received the least number of votes, just half of the votes placed for the next-lowest contestant, Neptune. Venus also did not score well with the audience, due to her provocative and promiscuous behavior. Another unpopular planet, Mercury, won immunity last week in a race around the solar system, whereas Pluto came in dead last.

Next week, the planets will box each other for immunity. Rumor has it that Saturn is the best planet inside the ring.

Last Planet Standing is a new reality show that you haven't heard of that airs on a network you haven't heard of, and is not to be confused with the Marvel limited series from 2006.

Stars for Planets

A group of well-known celebrities closely following the Pluto fiasco have formed a pro-Pluto organization named "Stars for Planets."

Mickey Mouse's dog Pluto was barking mad over the topic. "I was born the same year that the planet was discovered, and that's how I got my name. Sad . . . just sad." The dog later observed, "76 years? Why, that's 532 in dog years, but less than one-third of a Plutonian year. Pluto deserved at least a year in the spotlight. The voters in this IAU resolution should be put on The Chain Gang!"

Popeye's nemesis Bluto could not be reached for comment. Police have also stated that they were unable to reach Bluto for interrogation comment. Bluto's agent released a statement that his client found the IAU resolution to be a Brutus brutal decision.

Xena: Warrior Princess seemed less concerned about Pluto and more concerned with another dwarf star that was denied the status of "planet" this week: Xena. The warrior princess commented, "I can't believe that Xena wasn't granted the status of planet. It's even bigger than Pluto, and it has been neglected for too long. You can be certain that this will create The Rift between myself and the International Astronomical Union."

Pluto's neighbor Neptune commented, "I never expected anything like this to happen to Pluto. He was always a nice guy, from what I saw: A quiet guy who kept to himself mostly. He always seemed friendly and never bothered anyone. It's just shocking that someone right next door could have this happen to them."

Additional celebrities in the group have yet to comment. Select members picketed in Prague today, near where the IAU voted to remove Pluto's status as planet. Picketers changed the following mantra:

Resolution five . . .
We don't speak that jive!
Resolution six . . .
is a sad, quick fix!
Resolution five . . .
Scientists connived!
Resolution six . . .
passed by lousy hicks!

Click to view

Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie have this great song truthfully titled "Every OS Sucks." It's funny because it's true.

There is a fairly lengthy introduction, but it's worth the wait if you're a computer geek. The song reminisces about the good ol' days when our computers never crashed. It's truly geeky snark at its best.

Be sure to check out the Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie site for more!

Ty Veculus

This Thursday, Who Wants to Be a Superhero? premieres on SciFi.

As with any new show, there's no way to tell how good it will be, but the video clips I have seen thus far look promising. One of the big draws to the show is that it features Stan Lee, who will apparently judge the contest and write a comic book based on the winning character.

I have a feeling that geeks will enjoy this show a bit more than the standard population, and that's most likely why it's on SciFi and not Fox or Bravo. Still, anyone who enjoys watching people dress up like jerks should derive some entertainment from the show.

Here's the official blurb on Who Wants to Be a Superhero?:

From all walks of life have come 11 very different people, all out to prove to legendary comic-book creator Stan Lee that they have what it takes to be a true superhero. But as they're about to learn, it takes more than a sharp costume and cool powers to be a hero — because for a true superhero, it's what kind of person you are that counts the most….

I hope that the premiere will show the audition with a man blowing up a large balloon-type device, getting inside it, sticking just his head out of the opening, and hopping around the stage. Good times. Still, not all that apply get on the show. Here's a little well-advertised spoiler: Only 11 contestants are chosen, and their superhero names are:

• Cell Phone Girl
• Fat Momma
• Major Victory
• Levity
• Feedback
• Monkey Woman
• The Iron Enforcer
• Nitro G
• Ty Veculus
• Lemuria
• Creature

I don't know if we've really got the next Fantastic Four hiding in this bunch, but based on the auditions, I wouldn't hold your breath for Ben Grimm. Spider-Man taught us that with great power comes great responsibility. I think that this show might teach us that with great fame comes great dramatic geekage.

Are you oppressed by the shame and regret of hooking up with an undesirable or embarrassing woman? Join the Order of the Serpentine, a sacred brotherhood helping young men overcome the shame caused by questionable hook-ups.

Still not quite sure what the Order of the Serpentine is about? Check out the Order's recruitment ads, including the kid-friendly Serpee mascot! If you've got more time on your hands, check out the four-part Special Report that a news agency conducted on the Order of the Serpentine.

The Order of the Serpentine is a site maintained by Axe because the cleansing ritual requires that you use Axe Snake Peel to exfoliate the shame and regret from your skin.