The Smarmy Carny

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The seventh episode took place in Boston. A few more wacky auditions from the Bostonian freaks trying to get onto American Idol 5.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from this American Idol 5 audition episode:

• Curt Doble, a.k.a. the GWAR Guys/Duct Tape Warriors #11464 (both had the same number) — The lead GWAR singer is shown singing the mandatory "Joy to the World" (Jeremiah was a bullfrog). He sings "And he always has some mighty fine wine," accompanied by a "Yeah!" from the background GWAR singer. Later, we see him sing the line "Joy to the world!" with a fist in the air, followed by "Line!?" Check out his MySpace profile.

• James Yokley Jr. #10315 — James came out and rapped for a short while. Unimpressed, the judges asked him to sing something. He butchered "Lean on Me," and Simon responded, "That's why he rapped." James may have been rapping for 10 years, but he won't be doing it in Hollywood on American Idol. James is later spotted in the "Joy to the World" (Jeremiah was a Bullfrog) montage, where he switches from the chorus to the Christmas song "Joy to the World."
• Irada Jaforda #12117 — Irada entered the audition with a long, buttoned sweater and a bright red flower in her hair. As she started to "sing" "Unbreak My Heart," she unbuttoned the sweater so it was fully open in the front. (She had another shirt on underneath.) Fully unimpressed, Randy had to find out what else she was capable of. Irada started singing "Chain of Fools" as she removed the sweater and let it drop to the floor. She then attempted to remove the flower and let her hair down, but the flower got stuck, and she was forced to let the flower hang there, upside down, in her hair. She also gave a couple half-gyrations. Irada then transitioned into several different songs, ending with "How Do I Live Without You?" Simon stopped her and told her that everything about the audition was horriffic. Irada snatched up her sweater and other items and rushed out without a word.
• Laurence Soares #11568 — Laurence sang C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat," ("Everybody Dance Now!") including some pseudo-beatboxing as well. As intended (I assume), Laurence had Paula and Randy cracking up. Poor Laurence is later seen stuck in line with Clay Aiken-lookalike Michael Sandecki. (See below.) Honestly, out of all the jerks and losers we saw on the seven audition episodes, this guy would be my friend. Check out CrazLarry's MySpace page.
• Alison Laverdiere #14090 — Alison operatically sang "Everybody's Working for the Weekend." The highlight of the audition was Alison pointing at the judges and clearly articulating the line "You want a piece of my heart?" Simon said that "there is a real lack of understanding here today."
• Rebecca O'Donahue #11588 — Rebecca and her twin sister showed up looking like models. Due to emergency surgery on a cyst in her vocal chords, her sister was not able to sing. Rebecca sang "Black Velvet," but she didn't sing it well. We did get to see Rebecca's sister sitting against the wall, mouthing the words and mimicing Rebecca's gestures. Nonetheless, Paula and Randy passed her on looks alone. Watch Rebecca's audition.
• Tatiana Ward #11447 — Tatiana wanted to prove something to her grandmother, who had disowned Tatiana's mother when she married a black man. After singing, Tatiana quickly switched gears to "Suck-up" by asking Randy if her flattering his sweater would help her chances. She told Randy that he resembled her (sexy?) father. She then clarified that Paula was the sexiest, but Randy was the hottest. She moved down the judge's bench by telling Simon that she absolutely loved his accent. Paula finally cut her off by saying "OK, enough!" Simon started by saying that she reminded him of a pet poodle he used to have. Paula was disappointed in her choice of song because it didn't show her full range, but she said that she chose it because she thought that Randy would respect her for it. Paula and Randy pushed Tatiana through to the second round.
• Kenneth Maccarone #12709 — Kenneth's song was "Believe" by Cher. Not only did he sing "Believe," but he basically did a Cher impersonation. As soon as named his song and started singing, Simon dropped his head, Paula started giggling, and Randy started chuckling. After singing, he also mentioned that he could do Judy Garland as well. Simon, as with any men singing in a woman's voice, suggested the female impersonation profession, to which Kenneth said, "Absolutely not." Kenneth doesn't mind singing like Cher in front of millions of people, but refuses to cross-dress. Simon told him that he had two choices: "Sound like a female, look like a man or sound like a female and dress like a female." Kenneth argued that Cher didn't have a female voice. "Well, Simon, if we're going based on what people do and what people say, then why aren't you on the backside of a pair of jeans?" Paula, hiding behind her hands, gave a subtle thumbs-up, and Randy clapped and said "Woah! Very good!" Finally, they voted and Simon declared, "Cher, you are not going to Hollywood." Watch the Kenneth Maccarone (a.k.a. Cher) audition video.
• Kevin Covais #10182 — Kevin sang Josh Grobin's "You Raise Me Up," and he sang it well. Still, he looked like a little pipsqueak with a bad haircut. Paula, astounded by the singing, referred to him as relatable because he was an underdog. Simon asked why she thought he was an underdog. Paula replied by saying, "Honestly, you don't look like the next American Idol would look, but that didn't hurt Clay Aiken." Simon sighed and replied, "A bit rude." Watch Kevin's audition video.
• Michael Sandecki # — Seacrest refers to Michael as "Boston's most annoying man." Michael had also gone out of his way to try and look like the pre-American Idol Clay Aiken. Poor Laurence Soares (see above) is stuck next to the obnoxious freak in line, and suggests that he turn it down just a little tad. Michael replies, "I don't have a down button. It just goes even more hyper." Laurence tells the camera, "If I have to stand next to him the whole time, I'm gonna go insane." Michael horribly belts out "In the Still of the Night." Simon noted that, obviously, Michael was going for the Clay Aiken look but didn't sound like him, and told him that "You got the bad side of the bargain here." After getting two No's from the judges, Michael said, "Actually, I really can sing, it's just I'm nervous as hell, and I gotta pee." Simon set him a challenge to go pee, come back, and sing again. Set to the Chariots of Fire music, we get to see slow-motion footage of Michael running to the bathroom, flushing the urinal, drying his hands, and running back into the audition room. Simon cut him off before he could say anything and instructed him to just start singing. Six words later, Simon told him that it made him worse.

• Mickey Mouse Singer #Unknown — A woman in a pink shirt sang M-I-C-K-E-Y in a loud, horrible voice. She even held up a pretend microphone to her mouth. Good times.
• "Joy to the World" Singer #10574 — This Three Dog Night classic (Jeremiah was a bullfrog) was apparently the mandatory song for this round. Thus, in the montage, we don't see the singers' names. 10574 referred to his performance as a "rendition," clasped his hands together, and delivered the opening line in spoken word format. See it here.

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The sixth episode took place in Austin. More wacky auditions from the freaks trying to get onto American Idol 5 any way they can. Of interest was a group of zombies wandering around outside near the lines. Where did they come from? I'd love to know.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from this American Idol 5 audition episode:

• Paula Goodspeed #55896 — Paula wore some interesting clothes. The reason is that everyone calls her a "fashion genius." She is a huge Paula Abdul fan. Apparently, she likes to draw life-size pictures of Paula Abdul. In addition to the eye-catching clothes, she also had some prominent braces with pink and green rubber bands that Simon just had to talk about. He said things like "You have so much metal in your mouth," "that's like a bridge," and "How did she get through the metal detector? It must have gone crazy!" Here is Paula's audition video:

• Tessie Mae Reid #52967 — Tessie "sang" "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" for the judges, but the sound was horrendous, despite her claim that she sounds exactly like Avril Lavigne. Her hair was of interest, with two long, bleach-blonde braids falling down on either side of her face. Why should Tessie advance to the next round? In her words: "I think I should be a pop star because I could be like the next big famous person." I'm not sure if she was using "big" to describe the famousness or the person. Tessie's outfit included a black shirt and too-tight, bright pink pants that showed off her figure. What was her figure like in those pants? Here's Simon's description: "You know when you buy a sack and you try to stuff it full of potatoes and you just keep pushing and pushing . . . It's like 'No — I can get another potato in there, hang on.'"

• Michelle Lapoint #52900 — Michelle sang "Lean on Me," but forgot the words two lines into the song. She froze at that point and, on cue, her contestant number sign fell off onto the floor, as if embarassed by the whole thing. Watch Michelle's audition video.
• Arthur Mayfield #53119 — Arthur performed some sort of weird, indescribable dancing. The worst part is that the awful dancing seemed choreographed, which would infer that it was thought out in advance and passed as acceptable. The bright red scarf and matching shoes didn't help much, either.
• Donnell Bolton #? — Donnell sang in an extremely high-pitched voice. It was higher than Mickey Mouse. In fact, it was so high, the lyrics were indecipherable. Update: Apparently, this song was not decipherable because it is Jigglypuff's Lullabye. The lyrics are a repetition of "Jigglypuff." Watch the brief Donnell clip.
• Danielle Zamora #54252 — Danielle kept it simple by singing an old classic, "Amazing Grace," in a tone-deaf manner.
• Chanequa Jackson #54231 — Chanequa sang "Fire and Desire," which includes the lyrics "It was pain before pleasure." Simon interrupted to say, "Let's take out the pleasure."
• Anisa Olaniyi-Oke #59320 — Simon told her that "even the out-of-tune notes were out-of-tune."
• Jason Horn #52605 — Jason sang fine and made it through to the next round, but his choice of song was entertaining. Jason works as an embalmer, and he chose Josh Grobin's "You Raise Me Up." Watch Jason's audition video.
• Cierra Johnson #52731 — Cierra appeared to have what the judges normally look for physically in an American Idol. She looked the part and talked the part, but looks can be deceiving. Simon even admitted that he expected her to sing really well, until she killed "Silent Night." Randy told her, "You've got twelve keys going on." After Cierra asked if she could try a different song, Simon told her to sing "Silent Night" without the "Night." He also commented that it sounded more like the soundtrack for The Nightmare Before Christmas. Watch Cierra's audition video.
• Allison Schoening #53697 — Allison "almost died" on her plane trip to Austin because the seal on one of the plane doors failed. Allison said (and I quote): "I recommend going through that at least once in your life." Yeah, I'll be sure to schedule a faulty plane ride in the near future. Thanks for reminding me. Allison's singing was so poor that Simon likened her to a cat with its tail slammed in a door. Allison said that she knew she had sung poorly, and wanted to give them a second chance to hear her, so Simon agreed to have her come back in after thirty minutes. As she was leaving, Simon told her to imagine Randy in his swimming trunks when she came back in. Allison replied, "I was already imagining you [Simon], but that's probably why I sucked so bad." Paula gave out a cheer, and Randy gave her a high five for that comment. Allison returned and sang just about as bad as before. Allison admitted that she knew she still didn't perform that well, but she argued with the judges about whether she sang better the second time around or not. Allison was also featured during R.J.'s audition segment as well. (See R.J.'s description for more details.)
• Jeffrey Pollock #? — We didn't get a chance to see Jeffrey's audition, but we did see his pre-audition interview. He was (presumably) asked to explain why he was the next American Idol. After a moment of reflection, he says, "I think I'm the next American Idol because . . . I don't know . . . [significant pause] . . . Can I think about it?" Jeffrey gives a few more moments to think about it, with no response, before they cut away for some more auditions. Later, they show poor Jeffrey again, still contemplating his answer.
• Julian Riano #53511 — Julian performed a full split for the judges while wearing boots. After failing to sing well enough to advance, he gave his parting words: "Keep following your dreams. Always." He then rode down the escalator, singing "On the Road Again." Watch Julian's audition video.
• Ashley Jackson #53504 — Ashley is a fit model. (Fit models work for manufacturers and fashion houses as a real person with real contours who must be of "average" size and maintain certain measurements.) She sang for a bit, but failed to impress Paula. Paula stopped her by saying "Thank you very much," and her reply was "Oh." It was then mentioned that she could sing with her mouth closed. She asked Paula if she should sing that way, and Paula told her that it wasn't going that well thus far in the audition. She went ahead and sang The Star-Spangled Banner in this manner. Somehow, Randy gave her a "Yes" vote. Paula refrained from voting and asked Simon what he thought. Simon gave a "Yes," so Ashley is Hollywood-bound. I'm guessing that Paula wanted to say "No," based on the footage shown. This just goes to show you that models have it easier than the rest of us, and that American Idol cares about the viewership numbers. Watch Ashley, her audition, and her closed-mouth singing.
• Ronnie "R.J." Norman #53550 — Pre-audition, R.J. said, "My friends call me R.J. Actually, everyone calls me R.J. . . . Everyone's my friend." Ryan's narration continued on regarding R.J. being a ladies' man, and we got to see several shots of him flirting with various women. Allison Schoening (the woman who got a second chance to sing) asked him if he liked baseball. After R.J. told her that he didn't like baseball because it was boring, he informed her that she just made it awkward. Yikes. Apparently that odd line didn't scare Allison away, as she hugged him as he left with a golden ticket. Learn how to be a ladies' man by watching R.J.'s audition video.
• Kevin Mitchell #55798 — Kevin beared a strong resemblance to Randy Jackson. Before Kevin sang, Simon told him, "We're looking for one big difference [from Randy]: Do you have talent?" Despite Kevin's poor vocal abilities, Randy made a point to tell him repeatedly that he was very handsome. Watch Randy Jackson lookalike Kevin Mitchell's audition video.
• The Zombies — I mentioned the zombies at the beginning of the post. Just in case you missed the video, here they are in action:

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The fifth episode of American Idol 5 brought us auditions from Las Vegas. Of course, the usual assortment of freaks showed up.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from this American Idol 5 audition episode:

• Erica Davis and her sister, psychic Bobie May #78409 & 78408 — Erica sang briefly for the judges. It was fine, but certainly not American Idol quality. Clearly, she made it that far because her sister, made popular on a previous season's audition episode, had joined her. Post-audition, the psychic claimed that she did have predictions about American Idol 5, but she prefered to keep them to herself. (If you remember Bobie May's audition, she predicted that she was going through to Hollywood for one of the top ten seats. After Bobie May sang, guest judge Kenny Loggins told her, "I think you've ended two careers at once. This is the first time I've seen that.")
• Ryan Hart #74130 — Ryan gets off to an odd start by answering Paula's "What's your name?" question with "I'm Ryan, what's yours?" During the interview section of the audition, Paula told him, "You just cursed. You you're not allowed to do that, it's a family show," but Ryan replied with "Oh, well I'm not a family guy." Ryan sang Silverstein's "Smashed into Pieces" which includes some death-metal-like screeching along with some so-so alternative crooning in the middle. After Ryan left, Randy just had to try the screeching for himself. People posting over at alternative/independent entertainment site HYAMP.ORG seemed quite annoyed that the poser claimed to be "too hardcore" for the judges. Let's hope they don't get a hold of Ryan's MySpace profile. The band Silverstein posted on their site that Ryan is invited out to any one of their shows at any time. Oh, and if you want to hear the original version of the song (screeching included), listen to the sound clip from Disc 2 of the 2005 Warped Tour Compilation or download it from purevolume.

• Jason Andino, a.k.a. Pepe or Josephe Francisco Andino #78201 — Jason works as a gondolier in Las Vegas and works under the aforementioned pseudonyms. Jason sang "Stand by Me," but he didn't sing it well enough. Simon suggested he stick with the gondolier job. So, in Jason's words, "American Idol 5 is going to be Pepe-less, my friends."
• Crazy Eyed "JC" Gray #74435 — JC returns again this year, except this time, he has grown a mullet. Simon told him that sometimes, he mentally says "No" before the person starts singing, and he did just that. I can't be sure that JC didn't sing, but that's how it was portrayed on-air. If you've forgotten JC, he's the one Simon asked in a previous season, "Are you aware that when you sing, you do a stabbing motion?"
• Anthony Andolino #75439 — Anthony's singing style was distinctly off-tune. Watch the video again, and you can see Simon's expression immediately sour as Anthony begins singing. Of course, Simon threw in a weight joke as the undeniably large Anthony left. His background story included the fact that he and his girlfriend own 75 animals.
• David Mandzak #73245 — Often, you can tell from someone's speaking voice that they probably won't be the best singer in that city, and David was no exception. David chose to sing a Backstreet Boys song. His singing style was nasal and off-pitch. Hopefully, a video will come along soon to save me the worries of explaining it further.
• Haggai Yedidya #72892 — Haggai is becoming an American, and he wore an American flag shirt for his audition. He claimed that he was going to make the judges excited with his singing. He ensured the judges that he would sing in tune because he had a keychain to help him with his pitch. Simon noted that it sounded a little low, so Haggai asked him if he had any batteries. After Haggai desecrated “God Bless the USA,” the judges turned him down. It probably didn’t help that when he sang “the men who died,” it sounded like he was gargling. Haggai told the judges that, with a vocal coach and a couple months, one can become a good singer, and after a year, one can become a great singer if they have perfect pitch, like he does. If Haggai has perfect pitch, then apparently the rest of the world doesn’t. Post-audition, Haggai explained that he had tried to grab the judges’ attention. He said that the “right judge” (Randy) was most impressed because he maintained eye contact, Paula was looking at his dancing and his body, and Simon was reading a book.
• Princess Brewer #78285 — Princess claimed to be a conceited, blunt, sassy perfectionist that sounds a lot like Aretha Franklin. For a perfectionist, Princess missed a whole lot of notes and basically screamed the off-pitch lyrics at the judges. Simon tried to stop her, but she kept on singing. After even more horrendous singing, Simon whispered “Will you shut her up? Shut her up.” followed by “Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.” Finally, Princess stopped, and Paula’s best compliment was that “there were sweet moments in there.” Simon quickly added, “Yeah, the end.” He also told her that she was actually giving him a headache with her singing.
• CSI: Criminal Singers Investigated — Various Unnamed Contestants — If you think the legal issues ended with the Brittenum twins, think again. This episode also included a segment of several numbered-but-unnamed contestants who had been brought up on various humorous charges. Watch for yourself below, but here’s the full list first:
  • Contestant # 2550 charged with: Passing a Counterfeit C-Note
    2550 attempts to show off his extremely high range, but simply ends up destroying glasses and setting off car alarms instead.
    Sentence: 5 years
  • Contestant # 32367 charged with: Mimes Against Humanity
    32367 used some fairly distracting gestures during his song. It appeared that he may have been signing the song. Since American Idol wouldn’t have him, perhaps he could join the Happy Hands Club from Napoleon Dynamite.
    Sentence: 10 years, minimum security
  • Contestant # 889 charged with: Bouncing Czechs
    889, a Czech performer, “sings” Lady Marmolade.
    Sentence: 12 years, community service
  • Contestant # 62092 charged with: Hummicide
    62092 sings poorly, and follows it up with some poor humming.
    Sentence: 12 years in Sing Sing
  • Contestant # 72722 charged with: Performing with a concealed weapon
    72722’s singing style mostly involved plenty of Elvis-on-Viagara hip swinging.
    Sentence: 18 years, maximum security
  • Contestant # 34603 charged with: Writhing without a License
    34603 throws one arm up into the air (almost Rodeo-style), writhes for a bit, and gives off a series of moans or . . . something like that.
    Sentence: 18 years, solitary confinement
  • Contestant # 37113 charged with: Assault and Battery
    37113, a large woman, sings “I Like Big Butts.” Fortunately, she has a fun time, as she spins around, shakes her booty, and starts spanking herself.
    Sentence: Life: No parole

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

American Idol 5 auditions continued tonight, showing yet another bunch of freaks trying out in San Francisco.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from this fourth American Idol 5 audition episode:

• Deborah Dawn Tilley #33254 — Deborah Dawn's style was pure rock, and it looked like she had rocked a bit too hard in her 27(?) years on this earth. I'm a poor judge of age, but Deborah Dawn looked much older than 27. To me, she looked more like 35 minimum. Like I said, I could have been wrong. Her extremely long and frizzy hair may have made her look older. She said, "People recognize me by my hair. 'Hey! . . . Lady Big Hair!'" Now that I think about it, Deborah Dawn really looked and acted just like a Molly Shannon character . . . a lot, right down to the crazy eyes. Simon said that she looked like "somebody's mother who for a day has been told to look like Cher for some ghastly fancy dress party and does a song. That's how the whole thing came over." He then said that it was like he needed to hear her with his eyes closed because her image was so off-putting. Paula reminded Simon that this is what he said about Clay Aiken, but Simon denied it.

• Marcus Phillips #32387 — Marcus (who refers to himself once as "Kid Chaos," was a self-proclaimed AT, "All Terrain Entertainer: singer, rapper, songwriter, dancer, comedian, actor." He started out by singing "This Little Light of Mine" in falsetto. Simon tried to stop him at the end of the song, but Paula insisted on seeing all of the All Terrain Entertainer. Marcus then moved on to dancing, followed by some beatbox. One would hope that, being an All Terrain Entertainer, that Marcus would have been good with at least one of the skills, but he really wasn't. Marcus' only skill seemed to be auctioneer-like fast-talking. Watch Marcus' audition video.
• Shawn Vasquez #32038 — Shawn doesn't "sing," he "sang." He sang in (what Randy called) the "loudest, weirdest sound." Ever. I understand that the Pips are very unhappy.
• Matthew "Wolfie" Paulsen #32051 — Matthew is called Wolfie because — why else? — he likes wolves so much. Wolfie described himself as "sound a little bit like Clay, but maybe a little bit different than Clay, but I think my voice range is around Clay Aiken's. I'm definitely going to Hollywood today." Matthew even chose to sing Aiken's "The Measure of a Man." The differences quickly became apparent when he started singing in a shakey, quivering voice. The similarities never made themselves apparent. The producers even played Matthew and Clay side-by-side as an easy comparison.
• John Williams #31585 — John was in the military for nine years and recently got on leave. He took vocal lessons for six weeks before auditioning for American Idol. John started by singing semi-normally, but he then quickly turned around, put some sunglasses on, and started beatboxing and singing a remix of the same song. Needless to say, it didn't go over well. Simon was "puzzled that someone from the Air Force comes in and does quite a strange routine, and after that bizarre element, you stood there with a very serious look on your face, as if, that's just normal."
• Eric Cornforth #32231 — Eric's singing was unpalatable, bland, and monotone, but it was nothing compared with his hairstyle. I'm not sure what exactly was going on there, but it may have been several different things. Eric insisted on singing with his eyes closed the entire time, but I wished I could have listened with my ears closed. He really sounded like a Bob Dylan on drugs. Oh, wait a minute . . . I guess maybe he sounded like a sober Bob Dylan. Watch Eric's audition video (and look at that hair).
• Shalicia Carlisle #32191 — Shalicia also chose to sing with her eyes closed, and her singing was no better. She "recently discovered" her special talent, which is usually a clue that you're about to be treated to some awful singing. Shalicia was no exception to this rule. She followed up her awful, passionate, closed-eye singing with some awful slam poetry. Simon also noted that her choreography was hideous, to which Shalicia (unknowingly) thanked Simon. After she sang for the judges and received three resounding "No" responses, Shalicia admitted that she had quit her job. Simon responded that "It wasn't the best career move." Simon then offered to call her boss Ginny to get her old job back. Sure enough, Simon stuck to his word, had Shalicia call her boss, and he explained that she had no hopes of going to Hollywood. Shalicia's boss agreed to take her back.

Throughout the night, Simon routinely had completely different opinions on the contestants. Paula and Randy had continually questioned Simon's calls on several of the contestants, and he finally snapped after the argument regarding Simon's comment to Clay. He left one contestant shy of finishing the day, but he did indeed take off for his hotel at that point.

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

My usual disclaimer:

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch are the audition episodes. Why? Because watching people sing is less-than-enthralling for me. What I do enjoy, however, is watching people not sing for judges. Even in the audition episodes, my mind quickly starts to wander when a good singer starts belting it out.

American Idol 5 auditions continued tonight, showing yet another bunch of "singers" trying out in Greensboro, NC.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from this third audition episode:

• Rhonetta Johnson #64390 — Rhonetta was clearly the producers' choice for this episode. They placed her last so that they could promo her audition the entire two hours. Rhonetta chose to wear a silver tube top, a too-short white skirt, and sparkly, silver boots. And when I say "too-short skirt," I mean completely unflattering. I'm no fashion expert, but you know you have a problem when your belly is pushing your tight skirt down in the front. Paula asked, "It says you think you could be bigger than J. Lo and Janet." Simon quickly replied "Well, in a way, she is." In her post-audition ranting, she said that Paula "could never be famous." Here's Rhonetta Johnson's audition video:

• Marcus Behling #63298 — Marcus claimed to have "won approximately three talent shows." Marcus' goal seemed to be to impress the judges by singing each note for as long as possible. For instance, it took him 14 seconds to sing the words "She's out of my life." Randy laughed and said that the song was going to take two hours at that pace. When asked if he had taken vocal lessons, he said that he was using the Randy and Paula DVD (Ultimate Voice Coach – Learn To Sing Like A Star!). This made Simon's day, as he couldn't get over that fact, and he noted that it was the best birthday he has ever had. Post-audition, Marcus took the DVD out on the street and beat it to death with a hammer. Watch Marcus' audition and subsequent DVD destruction.
• Sabrina Oakley #60731 — Sabrina referred to herself as "Sabrina, the teenage witch." Simon quickly noted, "Well, let's lose the 'teenage'." She claimed on her application that men always hit on her and when this was mentioned, she said something I found to be incoherent. Closed captioning tells me that she said "So I'm hoping Simon will hit on me." Sabrina sang off-key, so Simon said that it was less "hitting on" and more like "hitting." Simon also just had to point out that she was "more Jerry Springer Show than American Idol," and he actually had a valid point there. Simon later punctuated his sentiment by yelling "Y'all stole my sister!" Sabrina snapped and screamed about how she hated Jerry Springer.
• Shawn De Salazar #61172 — Shawn dressed formally for his audition and brought with him a large poster chronicling his "life story." Apparently, he was born the week before, because there wasn't much on there other than him traveling to Greensboro and wanting to get onto American Idol. Shawn was "on a mission to bring back standards" back to American Idol, and he sang one: That Old Black Magic. While he didn't sound horrible, Simon said that he sounded "distinctly average," and compared him to one of those singing waiters you might see in an unpopular restaurant. Shawn's little brother was pretty outspoken about his talents, and he seemed pissed after Shawn was turned down. "I think it's baloney . . . And you know what? Who needs American Idol?"
• Richard Garland #61769 — Richard brought his ventriloquist dummy Scotty. Unfortunately, Scotty did not join in on the singing portion of the audition, but he did compliment Paula before being shoved back into the box. As Richard left, Simon advised him that "There's nothing wrong with working with a dummy." Paula gave a knowing look, and said "I work with them all the time! All the time!"
• Ronda Jones #60123 — Ronda had a distinctly high-pitched voice that sort of reminded me of a mix between Spongebob's friend Sandy and Annie Potts (the actress you'd recognize as secretary Janine in Ghostbusters). Randy asked her what she was going to sing to prove that she was the next American Idol, and Ronda berated him for putting a lot of pressure on her. Ronda sang some Backstreet Boys, and Simon complained that it "sounded just like the original."
• Sergeant Steven David Jr. #60531 — Steven is in the International Guard, and he openly drooled over Paula before his audition. In fact, he bet Paula that she would have to dance with him if he had a good singing voice, and Simon accepted the offer. Paula was skiddish about the whole ordeal, likely due to the whole Justin Guarini psuedo-scandal. Steven had a good singing voice and got through, so Randy and Simon dragged Paula up to dance with him. As Steven left, Ryan escorted his wife through the door. Paula berated him for doing that. Watch Sgt. Steven David Jr.'s audition.
• Donny Meacham #60522 — Donny (attempted to) sing Bridge Over Troubled Water, but it didn't go well. Simon's vote? "Well, you just murdered one of the most beautiful songs of all time. You went from torture to murder."
• Chonna Clepper #63506 — After a cold interview with a "short" Ryan, Chonna entered the room wearing lingerie. She said that her (ex-stripper) mom went to a lot of lingerie shows and picked up a lot of stuff. Since the ex-stripping mom was doing it for her kids, the judges didn't berate the situation. (We won't get into that here.) Still, one has to wonder why one would choose lingerie for an audition. Simon later said that Americans have weird ideas about lingerie, and if he saw that, he'd say "Back in the bathroom, sweetheart!"
• Cedrick Robinson #60868 — Cedrick was apparently Fantasia's relative. You know how some families have a ton of musical talent in them from the youngest child to the oldest great-grandparent? Cedrick proved that this isn't the case here. After Cedrick tried some fancy voicework to end his song, Randy told him, "You went through about twelve keys right there." Cedrick said that he had been singing since he was three, but Simon replied that his voice hadn't changed much.
• Jimmy Crabtree #64076 — Jimmy has to be one of the least excited people to audition for American Idol. He spoke with a monotone voice, even when entering the room. Simon informed him that he had the "personality of a hippo."
• Sammy Neighbors #67572 — As far as effeminate, overweight men go, this is one of the best to audition for American Idol. Sammy clearly couldn't carry a tune if it was handed to him in a basket, but his stage presence was . . . undeniably unique. He chose to "sing" A Whole New World. He placed a red blanket on the stage as the magic carpet, but the magic carpet soon became a cape, a shawl, and possibly discarded lingerie in an imaginary striptease . . . I'm not sure about that, but I'd rather not examine it further. Also helpful was the literal pointing during the line "a new fantastic point of view." Sammy then broke into Paula Abdul's "Straight Up," and he shook his booty in a disturbing manner. Paula look away, frightened, but it wasn't clear if it was due to the butchering of her song or the booty shaking. Simon called Sammy "Sylvester Stallone's younger sister singing Paula Abdul ." Here's Sammy Neighbor's audition video:

• Seth Strickland #64916 — Seth was, apparently, a huge Michael Jackson fan. He had Jackson's clothes, and even attempted a couple of the dance moves. Unfortunately, Seth didn't seem to bring anyone's singing talent with him. In the middle of his song, he gave out an "Oh, crap" that was entertaining. Watch Seth Strickland's audition.

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Crystal Parizanski

Thanks to the first week of American Idol auditions, this Saturday's Simpleton is Crystal Parizanski.

Crystal Parizanski was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
Simon: Yes, the tan.
Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
Simon: Yeah, yeah.
Crystal: I go tanning.
Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
Crystal: Oh, it is?

They called in Crystal's mother to see what she though, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own.

You can also view Crystal's MySpace profile, if you're so inclined.

There are two videos thus far:

1. Crystal's audition! You may also view this below as well.
2. The Lady Marmalade video, compiling multiple American Idol auditions using this song. Crystal appears twice: Once intially for just a second, screaming, and once at the end for about 45 seconds, trying to sing "More, more, more."

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

My usual disclaimer:

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch are the audition episodes. Why? Because watching people sing is less-than-enthralling for me. What I do enjoy, however, is watching people not sing for judges. Even in the audition episodes, my mind quickly starts to wander when a good singer starts belting it out.

The fifth installment of American Idol continued tonight, showing a slew of singers trying out in Denver.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from the second episode:

• Zachary Travis #37022 — Dude, looks like a lady. No, that wasn't Zachary's choice of song, but it was his choice of lifestyle. Zachary has the build of a female, with a mannish face, but quicly offered the information that he was frequently confused for a girl. Zachary wasn't dressed up like a drag queen, but the makeup, women's shirt, and girly belt didn't help matters. Of course, s/he played the prejudice card in what seemed to be a pre-thought out pseudo-rant, claiming that "America is prejudice and racist." Did I mention that Zachary is white? No? I didn't think I had to . . . until that quote. You won't want to miss the video of Zachary's audition and post-audition ranting!

• Nick McCord, a.k.a. "Flawless" #37614 — Nick's best gimmick was his wardrobe: matching hat, baggy shirt, and baggy pants, all with exactly the same pattern . . . and several sets of clothes, so he could have different patterns to choose from. Most people think of his suits as pajamas. Why "Flawless"? Here's the explanation, right from Nick himself: "I felt like I have one of these suits on, I might as well go ahead and call my something — my name something that it should be — name, which is very appropriate, which thereforth is Flawless, which was developed out of my mind." Of course, his day job is cleaning houses, but that's because he's a self-proclaimed "archtepreneur." Paradise Cleaning: "You come home, uh, with your home and . . . house smelling like — looking and smelling like paradise."
• Ben Hausbach #39705 — Ben is an inventor. In fact, he brought one of his inventions: The Cosmic Coaster. From what I could tell, it appears to be a strong circular magnet that floats above the stand and is held in place by three poles. The result? A highly unstable surface for you to set your drinks on. What more could you want? I think it won first place in the "Easiest way to spill your drink" category. Ben doesn't like to boast about his intelligence "because sometimes it intimidates people." I'm wondering who these intimidated people could possibly be — Simon, Randy, or Paula certainly weren't intimidated. Ben refers to himself as a triple-threat: "Singer, actor, inventor — I can dance a little." Considering his immense intelligence, Ben chose to sing "If I Only Had a Brain." When Simon turned down both his singing quality and his invention, Ben claimed that "You guys haven't given me a chance to evolve."

• Amanda Berg #39181 — Pre-audition, she showed off "the banana," a move she sort of made up on her own. I call it a "reverse somersault" . . . and, even in reverse, that's still considered a plain old "somersault." Amanda aspires to be "Whitney Houston" in ten years . . . perhaps she was referring to drug use and not singing ability. After attempting to sing to the judges, Simon asked her to rate herself out of ten. She gave herself a 6 out of 10, and Simon told her to "minus five-and-a-half."
• Erik Mena #35811 — Before heading into his audition, Erik resolved to stand his ground when facing Simon. After a less-than-poor performance, the judges did not say anything, prompting Erik to (nervously) stare Simon down. The music from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" started playing underneath the scene. Erik quickly dismissed himself. Watch the showdown.
• Garet Johnson #39702 — Garet is a third-generation cowboy who doesn't know more than the life of the ranch. In fact, he has never sang for humans before, yet he has had a Gonzonian chicken audience. You know you're off to a bad start when you can't remember the title of the song you are about to sing. Garet didn't sing overwhelmingly well, but there was obvious quality lying beneath the surface. Since Garet did not have money for vocal lessons, the judges apparently saw fit to give him some lessons, courtesy Fox. Upon his approval, Garet gave a very uncowboy like scream and jump, unless it was a scene in Brokeback Mountain. For more information on Garet, be sure to check out garetjohnsononline.com

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.