The Smarmy Carny

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The fifth installment of American Idol premiered tonight, showing a slew of singers trying out in Chicago.

OK, here's the list of interesting auditions from the first episode:

• Crystal Parizanski #4358 — Watch Crystal's audition! Crystal was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

  Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
  Simon: Yes, the tan.
  Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
  Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
  Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
  Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
  Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
  Simon: Yeah, yeah.
  Crystal: I go tanning.
  Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
  Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
  Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
  Crystal: Oh, it is?

  They called in Crystal's mother to see what she thought, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own. View Crystal's MySpace profile. No video of her audition found YET. Watch Crystal's audition! There is also the Lady Marmalade video. It's of multiple contestants — Crystal initially appears for just one second, screaming, but the last 45 seconds of the clip is dedicated to her trying to sing "More, more, more." You also get to see a freak dressed up as a little girl in that clip.
  Here's a convenient way to watch Crystal's audition:

• Derek Dupree #2061 — Derek prepared by telling the camera all about his confidence, yet his huge sweat spots on his shirt might have betrayed that notion. Derek claimed to be able to sing in three pitches: Low, Mid-, and Semi-High. After being rejected, he pleaded with the judges to give him an hour and allow him to come back for another shot. Ryan Seacrest took Dupree and Seacrest out on the street to sing for random passersby. A couple started laughing as he sung, but that apparently was no hint to Derek that he might not make the cut.
• Amanda Rabideau #2951 — Simon asked Amanda what she did. Full of energy and effervescence, Amanda happily told the judges that she sold furniture, prompting Simon to ask for "something interesting" about her life. The one thing that was uninteresting? Her singing.
• Deputy Brandon Groves #2292 — Sang — what else? — "I Shot the Sheriff" . . . or at least, he tried. After determining that Groves did not have any authority in Chicago, the judges let him down. Watch Brandon's audition.
• Blake Boshnack #1452 — Blake is from New York, so he thought it only natural to dress as the Statue of Liberty. From what I can tell, his song was "New York, New York," but it was hard to tell, since Simon cut him off quickly: Blake only got to sing "Start spreadi–" Due to the half-second singing career, I was unable to write his entire name down.
• Jessica Nelson #? — Jessica's song included two words that needed to be bleeped out, and she was quickly denied. Her post-audition rant would have made a sailor blush. Time to go buy some soap to wash her mouth out. Here's a low-quality video.
• Stuart Benyamin #3935 — Stuart dressed in traditional Assyrian garb, which included an unfortunate hat. The fact that his song was also Assyrian didn't help his case much, either. Watch Stuart's audition video and check out his attire.
• Yuliya Matus #3421 — Yuliya is a Ukranian looking to obtain a 3-year performing visa. She opted to sing Bohemian Rhapsody, but her performance seemed more like a striptease, prompting Paula to take her jacket off. Watch Yuliya Matus' full audition video.
• David Hoover, aka "Crazy Dave" #2109 — One word: Spaz. Crazy Dave seemed to believe that if he had enough energy and overwhelming enthusiasm, that this would cancel out the fact that he couldn't sing. He was wrong . . . or was he? As with several previous poor performers, Randy and Simon split the vote, forcing Paula to be the one who let the poor performer down. This time, she had apparently had enough. Paula said, "For my own reasons . . . YES." Crazy Dave made it through. Oh yeah, he also performed barefoot and claims that animals started talking to him when he was 16. Here's his video:

• The Brittenum Twins, Derrell & Terrell #7958 & #7959 — Not a funny audition at all. They passed through with flying colors, but they're also already in legal trouble: According to ABC News, "Terrell Brittenum, 28, has been in jail since Jan. 10 on an outstanding warrant for charges related to the illegal purchase of a car in Rockdale County, Ga., east of Atlanta." His brother Derrell is expected to turn himself in on the same charges for using another man's identity to buy a 2005 Dodge Magnum. Watch the Brittenum twins' audition video, but I'm warning you: It's not funny.

This post will continue to be updated as pictures and video clips are made available online. Bookmark this page or the American Idol page to keep up to date.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Numa Numa Dance

Countless people have imitated the Numa Numa Dance video, but few compete. None truly compare. It is this precise reason why I have not mentioned any of them, until now.

Take some time to check out this Flash animation of Gary Broslma on American Idol. It's not so much a lame imitation, but more of an artistic representation of the Numa Numa Dance on American Idol. The artist behind this has also gone to some trouble to draw the male AI contestants.

Still, this item pales in comparison, but it is worth watching if you have the time, and especially if you watch American Idol on a at all this season. (In my defense, I normally would not have seen any of the non-audition episodes of AI, but several people at work have the television tuned for the full show.)

If you haven't seen the original "Numa Numa Dance" (a.k.a. "Mya Mya," "Mya Hee, Mya Haa," "Hilarious Dude Lip Syncing," and many other things) video yet, you simply must take the time to watch it. It's basically a guy lip-syncing to a song titled Dragosta Din Tei by O-Zone.

Read my original post about the Numa Numa Dance, too!

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch (or half-watch, to be accurate) are the audition episodes. Psychodiva Mary Roche (aka Mary Guilbeaux and sometimes written "Mary Roche") was the final contestant shown on last night's show. Basically she acted a little strange (a bit Canadian, if you ask me) and did some standard awful singing, self-described as "pop rock meets broadway meets jazz and R&B". The judges then hand it over to Simon to explain to her that she is one of the worst they have ever heard. This prompted Mary to later say "The fact that they said that . . . that doesn't make me want to pursue any kind of singing career." I really don't think she understands that this really was their goal.
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Rhymes with "Tax Laud"

Remember: when you win a million dollars in front of 59 million people on the most popular reality show of all time, you might not try to keep that money a secret. If anyone is paying attention, it's the IRS.

The Smoking Gun released this document, in which the IRS claims that Richard Hatch not only failed to claim his Survivor million in 2000, but also did not report $321,000 in 2001. Whoops.

Any time someone wins a large sum from a game show, lottery, etc., I immediately figure out roughly what they have won after taxes. With a million dollars, can't you afford a decent accountant?

This all makes me curious about how often winners of large sums of money fail to report their large winnings on their taxes. I can't imagine how it wouldn't cross your mind during tax time. I remember biting my nails one year over $2 that I won on a free Bingo website. You'd hope that Jeopardy winners and the like would be intelligent enough to claim the winnings, but the lottery is the complete opposite. Not only do you need zero intelligence to win, I think that it's more likely that people playing the lottery regularly are more likely to lack that certain je ne sais quoi regarding financial intelligence. Lotto winners are the neanderthals of winners. I don't expect them to last a year with a million dollars, and many of them don't.

The odd thing is that reality show winners, for the most part, are neither of these two categories per se. Reality shows get a bad rap from the general public, and so do reality show contestants, for the most part. Most of these generalizations are formed by some of these half-baked reality shows that crop up. Still, even though Survivor has its fair share of losers, one has to be at least half-sane and half-brained in order to win. (Note: Of course, I could be wrong. I don't actually watch Survivor. *cough*) I did see enough of Richard Hatch to believe him to be someone with a properly functioning brain.

Crunch!"

I just wonder what the problem is. Lack of foresight? Awful accounting? Greed? The world may never know how many dollars it takes to get to the tax fraud center of a Survivor Pop.