The Smarmy Carny

Let's talk summer Olympics, shall we?

As with most people, I enjoy when the Olympics are on, because it gives you the chance to watch all sorts of . And let's face it — this isn't the 70s, when the Olympics took up "all three" channels for the entire day. You don't have to be inundated by the Olympics in the 21st century, because there are hundreds other channels to choose from! But nonetheless, despite the positive aspects to the Olympic Games, there are always things to complain about.

• I really enjoy getting a chance to watch some of these sports that you really have little or no opportunity to watch at any other time except every four years. Watching some of these sports, I also realize that we can't really take watching them more than once every four years. For instance, I have an extremely low tolerance for watching televised weightlifting, and while professional badminton is cool to see, I usually change the channel after a few sets.
• What's with this growing trend the past 10 years or so to run 5+ minute highlights for each and every Olympic athlete that you've never heard of before, and to run 30+ minute documentaries on the athletes you have heard of? A few athletes genuinely do have a story worth being retold, and Phelp's achievements really do take 30 minutes to retell. But many of these stories are average, boring people whose only interesting feature is that they're good enough at their sport to make it to the Olympics on behalf of their country.
• Sports that involve judges are never as enjoyable as races (e.g. swimming, track, cycling) and sports with an objective scoring system (e.g. soccer, basketball, table tennis). You basically watch gymnasts do these incomprehensible flips and turns in the air, and all you can tell is that it is bad when they fall down. The scores come out and you really just have to shrug and let the announcers assure you that it's an appropriate score.
• If I have to hear one more sportscaster ramble on and on about how so-and-so's coach is her dad, I'm going to lose it. We get it, but it's really not that uncommon. Many 16 year olds competing in the Olympics are that good because their parents did the same thing and have pushed their kids to follow in their footsteps. And since these parents are living vicariously through their children's accomplishments, they become control freaks and insist on coaching.

I'll take the summer Olympics over the Winter games any time, but we can discuss that in two years when those come around.

Thoughts, agreements, complaints, or criticisms? Please feel free to comment.

America owns gluttony again!

In 2006, there was speculation that Joey "Jaws" Chestnut had a chance to beat Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi, who is the man when it comes to eating competitions. After all, Chestnut was the first American to break the 50 HDB (hot dog and bun) mark in 12 minutes. Chestnut ate 52 HDBs but still fell short in 2006, losing to Kobayashi by just 1¾ HDBs.

This year, however, the record was shattered yet again at the 2007 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Championship. The record of 53¾ HDBs in 12 minutes was set last year by Kobayashi. It was decimated as Chestnut ate 66 HDBs in 12 minutes. That's an average of 5.5 HDBs each minute, or one hot dog every 11 seconds!

Kobayashi recently had a wisdom tooth removed, but still broke his own record by eating 63 HDBs. He said he'll be back next year for a rematch.

The top six eaters all broke their personal records this year. Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas upped her personal best and raised the women's record by downing 39 HDBs in 12 minutes.

In the spirit of the Tour de France, here are some bicycle-related jokes for this week's Thilly Thursday jokes.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired!

Overheard: The hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle is the road!

Man: I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
Woman: So what are you going to do, chain him up? Give him away?
Man: Nothing that drastic. I'll probably just confiscate his bike.

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on a shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A man on a bike was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border because he was carrying two sacks on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
The guard gave the cyclist a suspicious look and said, "Set the bags down so I can take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued week after week and the guard never found anything suspicious in the bags of sand.
After a year, the cyclist stopped showing up. A month later, the guard ran into the cyclist in the city while he was off-duty. The guard told the cyclist, "We haven't seen you at the border for a few weeks. You always had us wondering what you were up to! We knew that you were smuggling something across the border, but we never could figure out what it was. I can't take it any more — you've got to tell me what you were smuggling!"
The cyclist smiled and told him the truth: "Bicycles!"

The propane torch

Each July 8, the Summer Redneck Games are played in East Dublin, GA at Buckeye Park. Originally, the games were started as a reaction to a media comment that the summer Olympics in Atlanta would be run by a bunch of rednecks. The first year, there were 1,000 spectators, but now about 10,000 show up each year to view the spectacle that is the Redneck Games.

Each year, the Redneck Games are kicked off with the arrival of the propane torch and the lighting of the ceremonial grill. This year's "ofishal skedyule" includes live music along with the following events:

• Lighting of Ceremonial Grill
• Redneck Horseshoes (Plungers and toilet seats are the equipment for this game.)
• Bobbin' For Pigs Feet
• Hubcap Hurl
• Mudpit Belly Flop
• Armpit Serenade
• Butt Crack Competition
• Fireworks
Previous years' events have also included Dumpster Diving, Seed Spitting Contest, Cigarette Flip, Big Hair Contest, Wet T-Shirt Contest, and the intriguing Bug Zapping by Spitball Contest.

The glorious winner of the Summer Redneck Games receives the ultimate prize: An empty, crushed Bud Light can mounted as a trophy.

New Line has reportedly picked up a movie pitch named "::imdb("tt0824766", "Redneck Games")::" that would have a has-been professional athlete finding redemption at the Redneck Games. I suggest you head out this year or next, before the movie comes out and attendance balloons from 10,000 to who knows how many spectators.

Happy Independence Day . . . and along with it, of course, came the 2006 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Championship, where twenty or so contestants see who can eat the most hot dogs and buns (known as HDBs in the competitive eating community) in a mere 12 minutes.

There was speculation that America might win the title back from Japanese speed-eater Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi. Even such a speculation was big news in the speed-eating world, considering Kobayashi's previous five victories. From 2001 through 2005, Kobayashi won by 19, 24.5, 20, 15.5, and then 12 hot dogs and buns. This May, however, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut beat the American record by eating 50 HDBs in 12 minutes. Granted, this didn't beat Kobayashi's record, but it did beat his 2005 Nathan's contest performance of 49 HDBs. Point is, the Americans have caught up.

Nonetheless, Kobayashi proved that he is still the champion, even under pressure. Not only did he win, but he broke his previous record by ¼ of a HDB. Still, Kobayashi's lead was not so comfortable this year. He won by a mere 1¾: Kobayashi's 53¾ HDBs to Chestnut's 52 HDBs.

Chestnut now easily holds the American record, however. He stole the record from Sonya "Black Widow" Thomas, who still holds the female record at 37. (She tied her 2005 performance this year.)

I'd remind you not to invite any of the competitive eaters over to your house for your 4th of July hot dog cookout, but I'm sure they've already got plans anyway.

In the spirit of the 2006 FIFA World Cup, here are some jokes to pass the time. If you think these are bad, you should see the rest of them . . .

• Q: How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
  A: Somebody took a corner!
• The following sign recently appeared on the notice board of a factory in England:
  

  ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVEMENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC. MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.

• David Beckham walks into a pub. The bartender asks, "A pint of your usual, David?" Beckham replies "No, just a half, then I'm off."
• A young boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them. The judge asked him, "Why don't you want to live with your father?" The boy answered, "Because he beats me." The judge asked, "Then why not live with your mother?" The little boy replied, "She beats me, too." The judge, stumped, asked the boy, "Who would you like to live with if you don't live with your parents?" The boy thought about it and confidently answered, "The U.S. soccer team — they don't beat anyone!"

This post has been re-posted at Random Fodder, Novac's personal blog.

You know you're a geek when . . .

. . . the first time you wear an athletic support is when you're 30 years old . . .

. . . and even then, it's because the doctor required it for your post-vasectomy care.