The Smarmy Carny

In April, I wrote about the fact that Casey Sheehan's headstone had not yet been installed, even two years after Casey's death.

Just in time for Memorial Day, Casey's headstone was installed on May 25, 2006. Happily, since Casey's father Patrick took over the task a couple months ago, plans for the headstone finally started in motion and the monument is in now place.

The tombstone reads:

Our Casey
Ever faithful, kind, and gentle, good son, beloved brother, brave soldier, dear friend, you loved your family and lived your life serving others to the end.

On the back of the headstone, there are six symbols, presumably notating six things that Casey enjoyed: The military, the theatre, Eagle Scouts, Superman, Van Halen, and the WWF (World Wrestling Federation).

A picture of the headstone can be seen on the site for Vacaville's The Reporter.

Casey's grave

As most of us have heard by now, Casey Sheehan, the mechanic from the Army's First Calvary Division, was killed in combat on 4/4/4. The nation is aware of Casey's death due to his mother, Cindy Sheehan, and her continuous anti-Bush, anti-Iraq ranting in the months leading up to and since the 2004 presidential election.

Despite Cindy Sheehan's continual attempts to "memoralize" her son by denouncing the war in Iraq and anything else (war-related or not) that Bush does, Casey Sheehan's gravesite still does not have a tombstone of any sort.

Why would Cindy not put up a tombstone? First, she blamed the mortuary. When the mortuary director came forward and outlined all he had done above and beyond his expected duties (including the standard payment for a tombstone), Cindy seems to have moved on to a different explanation:

For the first year after Casey was killed, I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to place a TOMBstone on my son's grave. I didn't want one more marble proof that my son was dead. I couldn't even call where he was buried a "cemetery," I had to call it "Casey's Park."

Make of that what you will.

This story does have a satisfactory conclusion, though: Cindy's soon-to-be ex-husband, Patrick Sheehan, has taken over this matter, and a local monument company is constructing Casey's permanent headstone.

Update: Casey's headstone was finally installed on May 25, 2006, in time for Memorial Day.

Get more information on Casey's tombstone at Snopes.

Inspired by the death today of the Saturday's Simpleton theme, I remembered one of the best resources for simpletons: the Darwin Awards.

By now, most people are familiar with the Darwin Awards. If you're one of the few who are still unfamiliar with the Darwin Awards, here's the official explanation:

In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.

You can read ::amazon("0452291925", "The Complete Darwin Awards")::, which includes 400 stories of Darwin Award nominees!

Entries include "Chimney-Cleaning Grenade," which teaches us to never weld a hand grenade to a chain . . . and not because the chain is dangerous. About a year before ::wikipedia("Characters_of_Lost#Leslie_Arzt", "everyone learned on Lost that old dynamite sweats nitroglycerin")::, the man in "Do-It-Yourself Landmine" learned it first.

There are plenty more to read on the site, and I suggest you read through some of the many selections if you haven't already.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Crystal Parizanski

Thanks to the first week of American Idol auditions, this Saturday's Simpleton is Crystal Parizanski.

Crystal Parizanski was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
Simon: Yes, the tan.
Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
Simon: Yeah, yeah.
Crystal: I go tanning.
Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
Crystal: Oh, it is?

They called in Crystal's mother to see what she though, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own.

You can also view Crystal's MySpace profile, if you're so inclined.

There are two videos thus far:

1. Crystal's audition! You may also view this below as well.
2. The Lady Marmalade video, compiling multiple American Idol auditions using this song. Crystal appears twice: Once intially for just a second, screaming, and once at the end for about 45 seconds, trying to sing "More, more, more."

In a stunning turn of events, an astrologer was incorrect when he predicted his death today between 3pm and 4pm in India.

Of course, Kunjilal Malviya was quoted as rationalizing the fact that he was still living: "Thanks to the good wishes of villagers and the prayers of people, I survived the pernicious moment to live a long life from now onwards." Yes, thanks to them, and the fact that astrology is a hoax.

According to Reuters, crowds have previously beaten up astrologers when their predicted death failed to occur. Will it be on Pay Per View?

Read more about what I wrote before I found out he didn't die . . .

Talk about a losing bet. Kunjilal Malviya is an astrologer in India, and he predicted that he would die today.

If you're right and you die . . . you were right, but you're dead. If you were wrong . . . hooray! You're alive . . . but you have to live with the fact that you made a complete fool out of yourself.

Malviya is 75 years old and allegedly predicted his grandfather's death fifteen years ago.

People, of course, have flocked to see whether the man will die. What's the point of that? If he dies, you're stuck looking at a dead guy. If he lives, you just wasted your entire day. Don't people understand that?

Here's the trick with predictions into the future . . . never pin a date on your prediction. How many people were dumb enough to state that Jesus would come back on Tuesday at 5:34 am? Particularly when your primary source states that no one will know when Jesus will return! I can just imagine . . .

Phil: "So, Bob, do you want to go to lunch with me on Tuesday?"

Bob: "Sorry, Phil. I can't. Jesus is coming back that morning."

Phil: "Oh, OK. So, when you find out you're wrong, you probably won't be much fun around lunchtime anyway, I'm guessing. Never mind."

I am always tempted to purchase The Enquirer, World News, etc. whenever they give their "Predictions for 2006," or whatever the upcoming year is, just so I have something to laugh about on New Year's Day, 2007. That could be something I could post about. Unfortunately, I just can't bring myself to give them the money. Perhaps now that I have a blog and a purpose to purchase it, I'll go for it. Or maybe I can find the predictions online, instead.

Read the shocking conclusion here!

On the 14:30 CBS News Update, one story discussed the decision to allow pets on the buses transporting people away from the hurricane zone.

One woman was being interviewed and she was quite happy that she could bring her cats with her. She noted that if she was not allowed to bring her cats that she would not have evacuated.

The shining line of the update was when this woman followed up that statement by saying that pets should not be left behind, and that "They're human like we are."

Hmm . . . I'll have to keep that in mind.