The Smarmy Carny

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The fifth installment of American Idol premiered tonight, showing a slew of singers trying out in Chicago.

OK, here's the list of interesting auditions from the first episode:

• Crystal Parizanski #4358 — Watch Crystal's audition! Crystal was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

  Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
  Simon: Yes, the tan.
  Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
  Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
  Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
  Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
  Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
  Simon: Yeah, yeah.
  Crystal: I go tanning.
  Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
  Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
  Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
  Crystal: Oh, it is?

  They called in Crystal's mother to see what she thought, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own. View Crystal's MySpace profile. No video of her audition found YET. Watch Crystal's audition! There is also the Lady Marmalade video. It's of multiple contestants — Crystal initially appears for just one second, screaming, but the last 45 seconds of the clip is dedicated to her trying to sing "More, more, more." You also get to see a freak dressed up as a little girl in that clip.
  Here's a convenient way to watch Crystal's audition:

• Derek Dupree #2061 — Derek prepared by telling the camera all about his confidence, yet his huge sweat spots on his shirt might have betrayed that notion. Derek claimed to be able to sing in three pitches: Low, Mid-, and Semi-High. After being rejected, he pleaded with the judges to give him an hour and allow him to come back for another shot. Ryan Seacrest took Dupree and Seacrest out on the street to sing for random passersby. A couple started laughing as he sung, but that apparently was no hint to Derek that he might not make the cut.
• Amanda Rabideau #2951 — Simon asked Amanda what she did. Full of energy and effervescence, Amanda happily told the judges that she sold furniture, prompting Simon to ask for "something interesting" about her life. The one thing that was uninteresting? Her singing.
• Deputy Brandon Groves #2292 — Sang — what else? — "I Shot the Sheriff" . . . or at least, he tried. After determining that Groves did not have any authority in Chicago, the judges let him down. Watch Brandon's audition.
• Blake Boshnack #1452 — Blake is from New York, so he thought it only natural to dress as the Statue of Liberty. From what I can tell, his song was "New York, New York," but it was hard to tell, since Simon cut him off quickly: Blake only got to sing "Start spreadi–" Due to the half-second singing career, I was unable to write his entire name down.
• Jessica Nelson #? — Jessica's song included two words that needed to be bleeped out, and she was quickly denied. Her post-audition rant would have made a sailor blush. Time to go buy some soap to wash her mouth out. Here's a low-quality video.
• Stuart Benyamin #3935 — Stuart dressed in traditional Assyrian garb, which included an unfortunate hat. The fact that his song was also Assyrian didn't help his case much, either. Watch Stuart's audition video and check out his attire.
• Yuliya Matus #3421 — Yuliya is a Ukranian looking to obtain a 3-year performing visa. She opted to sing Bohemian Rhapsody, but her performance seemed more like a striptease, prompting Paula to take her jacket off. Watch Yuliya Matus' full audition video.
• David Hoover, aka "Crazy Dave" #2109 — One word: Spaz. Crazy Dave seemed to believe that if he had enough energy and overwhelming enthusiasm, that this would cancel out the fact that he couldn't sing. He was wrong . . . or was he? As with several previous poor performers, Randy and Simon split the vote, forcing Paula to be the one who let the poor performer down. This time, she had apparently had enough. Paula said, "For my own reasons . . . YES." Crazy Dave made it through. Oh yeah, he also performed barefoot and claims that animals started talking to him when he was 16. Here's his video:

• The Brittenum Twins, Derrell & Terrell #7958 & #7959 — Not a funny audition at all. They passed through with flying colors, but they're also already in legal trouble: According to ABC News, "Terrell Brittenum, 28, has been in jail since Jan. 10 on an outstanding warrant for charges related to the illegal purchase of a car in Rockdale County, Ga., east of Atlanta." His brother Derrell is expected to turn himself in on the same charges for using another man's identity to buy a 2005 Dodge Magnum. Watch the Brittenum twins' audition video, but I'm warning you: It's not funny.

This post will continue to be updated as pictures and video clips are made available online. Bookmark this page or the American Idol page to keep up to date.

Goalie?

Here's a picture of a true hockey fan!

I just have to wonder if he got stuck playing goalie or what.

See a larger version of this picture over at Break.com.

Lightning Reaction

I was browsing around Amishrobot and noticed an article regarding the game Lightning Reaction.

Here's a synopsis of the game from Stupid.com:

Here's how Lightning Reaction works — Anywhere from two to four people can play at once. You remove a handle from the base and get ready. When you press the button in the center, a red light pulses and suspenseful music plays. As soon as the red light turns green, you press the red trigger button as quickly as possible. If you're the slowest player, you will get rewarded with a painful electric shock. If you were faster than your opponents, you can simply laugh as the loser screams in pain.

Oh, and since it's Video Vednesday, I am obligated to link to a video, right? Well, happily, Amishrobot includes video of a round of Lightning Reaction!

So, all in all, it has everything a great party game should have, which is electric shocks as punishment for losing.

You simply must watch this prank some guys pull on their buddy who has fallen asleep during a car ride.

There are several reasons why this week's video is so entertaining. First, this is the sort of prank we used to pull all the time. Second, the guy's expression is priceless! Third, I'm tired of writing, so just watch the video, for crying out loud!

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is "Rated PG for quirky situations, action and mild language."

I saw this movie opening weekend and absolutely loved it. Burton was clearly the right choice to put this book on the big screen.

And "quirky situations" is the understatement of the year. Several people have suggested that the "quirky situations" rating is MPAA's way of telling you that your kids may be on drugs.

Reconstructed from cave paintings

My mother turns 50 years old today. Fifty years!

I guess that means I'm starting to get old, too, but I won't hit my milestone for another 11 months.

Today, mom turns 50, but here are some other ways to look at her age:

• 600 months
• 0.5 century
• 2,608.94 weeks
• 18,262 days
• 438,301 hours
• 26,298,073 minutes
• 1,577,884,380 seconds
• 0.20 Plutonian year
• 0.30 Neptunian year
• 1.70 Saturnian years
• 4.20 Jovian years
• 26.58 Marsian years
• 81.17 Venusian years
• 207.53 Mercurian years
• 263 million blinks of an eye

Time marches on. Hopefully, my mother will, too.

Here's a fun little video titled "Is This the Way to Armadillo?" Apparently, it was made by the boys in the Royal Dragoon Guards at the Al Faw base in Iraq. Of course, you can always get the original song, "Is This the Way to Amarillo" by Tony Christie & Peter Kay.

Either you'll love it or hate it, but either way, you should check it out.