The Smarmy Carny

The original Chuck Norris facts are from an anonymous e-mail forward, and it's starting to balloon out of control. Heck, there's even a chucknorrisfacts.com now. The first 18 items in this list were written by Mike Fertig of Because the World Is Round.

I would pontificate further, but I think I just saw Chuck Norris outside my window.

1. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
2. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
3. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
4. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
5. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
6. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
7. Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
8. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
9. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten – every night for a snack.
10. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
11. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
12. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
13. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
14. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
15. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
16. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
17. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
19. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
22. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
23. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
24. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
25. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
26. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
27. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
28. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
29. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
30. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
31. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
32. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
33. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
34. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
35. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
36. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
37. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
38. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
39. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
40. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
41. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
42. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
43. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
44. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
45. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
46. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
47. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
48. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
49. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
50. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
51. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
52. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
53. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
54. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
55. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
56. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
57. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
58. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
59. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
60. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
61. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
62. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
63. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
64. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
65. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
66. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
67. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

Chuck Norris has even acknowledged and responded to the original e-mail list on his own site:

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

In the words of Vince Vaughn's Dodgeball character Peter La Fleur: "Thank you, Chuck Norris."

The good news: The National Sex Offender Public Registry is now online.

The bad news:

The National Sex Offender Public Registry Web site is currently unavailable due to heavy demand. Please visit www.nsopr.gov again later or use the following list to search individual state's sex offender registry sites.

The site has displayed this message every time I have checked it during the past couple days. Well, either way, it's worth a bookmark. I'm sure the traffic will clear up at some point.

Either way, I don't care what happens with Michael Jackson. I have always compared him with the problem child who always acts up to get attention. When you're a has-been that has had two huge successes (the Jackson Five, and then the solo career), I guess you just get used to all the attention and fame.

What else could explain some of Jackson's eccentric behavior? Why would you wave your baby around outside a window in front of reporters and cameras?

I'm shocked that there's not a Michael Jackson reality show out there yet.

That dude has issues, and I think the solution is to ignore him. It's the media's fault that we even had to hear about this fodder every day throughout the entire trial.

For a great song dedicated to Michael Jackson, give a listen to Ookla the Mok's "F. People," or at least just read the lyrics.

If the sequined glove does not fit, you must acquit.

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!

Spider-Mike Tyson didn't do so well last night against McBride. With his spider-sense, you'd think he would have done better.

Multiple news stories suggest that this may mark the end of Tyson's career, but an article on sportinglife.com notes that Tyson is in severe debt ($35M according to boxinginsider.com) and may not be able to retire so easily due to financial reasons. (For a great satirical piece, be sure to read TheBrushback.com's news piece titled "Identity Thief Disappointed To Get Mike Tyson's Identity."

For me, it was funny when Tyson was knocking people out after mere seconds. Is he that good, was the other guy that bad, or are the bookies just that influential? It then got much, much worse and pitiful after the Earvander Holyfield incident. And then, of course, came the recent Spider-Man claim.

It's definitely "the end" for Tyson whether he retires or not. Still, as long as thousands are willing to pay $45 to watch the fight on television, I guess we'll just wait for him to become a vegatable, if that hasn't already happened.

I've got to admit, though, that if it weren't for Tyson, we never would have gotten to play "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!"

Tyson went down faster than Igby. And no, I don't expect you to "get" that one. And no, it's not a dirty reference.

Spider-Mike

It looks like Jackson now has some competition from Tyson in the "Stupidest Lines Uttered by a Michael" category this month.

Tyson apparently approached a "suspicious-acting man" near his home recently and yelled at the man, asking him what he was doing. Of course, the man was startled and scared upon seeing Tyson. My guess is that it's not because Tyson is a professional boxer, but instead because the guy knows that Mike Tyson is a nutcase. When he ran away, he was probably covering his ears to keep them safe.

I mostly just wanted to note what Tyson said about himself in light of this confrontation, according to the Seattle Times:

"The guy was scared to death," the mercurial Tyson told Newsday. "He was saying, 'Oh my God, Mr. Tyson, I'm sorry, I dropped my wallet somewhere on this block and I was looking for it.' "

Unlike Charles Bronson, Tyson said he momentarily felt "a little guilty" about his actions — until several frightened neighbors, who'd also seen the man lurking about, came up and thanked him.

"You believe that?" Tyson said. "Now I'm the neighborhood watch!

"I'm Spider-man!"

Yikes. I'm thinking that, when Wesley Willis died, his spirit passed on into Mike Tyson's body.

Rock over London, rock on Phoenix.

Napoleon Dynamite

Who's the better dancer: Napoleon Dynamite, or Fender (from the movie Robots)? You be the judge!

Be sure to check out the "Napoleon vs. Fender Danceoff: Who's got the skills?" site. Watch a couple clips, and be sure to vote!

The Internet Movie Database has some fun facts regarding Napoleon Dyamite, including:

• Every dish shown during the opening credits is eaten by a character later in the movie. The dishes presented in the opening credits were the work of the three people who present them.
• Jon Heder was paid $1,000 to play Napoleon Dynamite. The movie grossed over $40,000,000 in the United States.
• Jon Heder helped to make the boondoggle keychains between scenes.
• Jon Heder credits Tina Majorino (Deb) with helping to choreograph the dance scene. He also states that some of the dance moves were "borrowed" from Michael Jackson, Backstreet Boys, John Travolta, Soul Train, as well as some of his own moves.
• Jon Heder did all of the drawings seen in the film.

My vote goes out to Napoleon Dynamite. He's got skills.

Can you bring me my chapstick?

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch (or half-watch, to be accurate) are the audition episodes. Psychodiva Mary Roche (aka Mary Guilbeaux and sometimes written "Mary Roche") was the final contestant shown on last night's show. Basically she acted a little strange (a bit Canadian, if you ask me) and did some standard awful singing, self-described as "pop rock meets broadway meets jazz and R&B". The judges then hand it over to Simon to explain to her that she is one of the worst they have ever heard. This prompted Mary to later say "The fact that they said that . . . that doesn't make me want to pursue any kind of singing career." I really don't think she understands that this really was their goal.
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