The Smarmy Carny

I got the chance to participate in the "Better Know a Blogger" series for the official Blogathon site.

Please, take a few short minutes to listen in on the Better Know a Blogger — Novac! interview. I shed a bit of light on my Blogathon history and the charity I've chosen for this year. You'll also find out about what I've done to keep awake during the Blogathon. Also included is a piece of information that may save your life some day!

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Crazy Dave Hoover

Crazy Dave Hoover, a.k.a. Mr. Dubious of American Idol 5 fame stopped by The Smarmy Carny to answer a few questions. Crazy Dave is the contestant who jumped around and screamed like a spaz and actually made it through to Hollywood. In Hollywood, he was well received by his peers and received plenty of applause after his performance, but the judges decided not to keep him on.

Novac from The Smarmy Carny: For the record: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour?
Crazy Dave Hoover: Dave Hoover. I couldn't possibly pick a favorite color. My quests are among many.
Novac: Are you an American Idol fan?
Dave: Well, I watched it all last year. I'm a big fan of reality TV for some reason. I hadn't had a TV for a few years before that. I think TV is so distracting when you are trying to be productive. The first few seasons, I caught a few minutes here and there at friend's houses. I thought it was the cheesiest thing I had ever seen.
Novac: How did you decide that you were going to audition for American Idol?
Dave: I had wanted to start doing something more publicly with my music. Usually I just play music alone. I had just gotten over a hip hop phase of my musical stylings and was getting more into singing again. I wanted to try something new.
Novac: You sang an original for your AI audition. What's the name of the song, how did you come to choose your song, and is there any way we can hear or buy an album version?
Dave: I wrote that while I was waiting to audition for A.I. while driving in my car. I record a lot of instrumental music, then listen to it over and over until the perfect lyrics pop out of the musical landscape. The song I sang is called "DO". It is on my website www.mrdubious.com and it can be found and bought on the CD available on my site. I also sang a Cold Play song that actually got me through the first round of auditioning.
Novac: Did you have one or two auditions before performing for Simon, Paula, and Randy?
Dave: two
Novac: Many AI contestants have a method for getting noticed. Your method was clearly unbridled energy and being a spaz. It seemed to work pretty well. Are you normally that energetic?
Dave: I'm a true Gemini. I'm either super calm or super energetic. Most of the time, out of respect for other people, I keep it toned down. I didn't start getting wild until the final audition. I was just excited to be there.
Novac: I'm sure the cameras and judges bring about plenty of adrenaline, which helped your performance there.
Dave: Yeah, knowing you will be seen my 30 million people is definately creates an awakened state of being.
Novac: Did you expect to be passed through to Hollywood, or were you simply going for the fun of it?
Dave: I had high hopes. For me, I have been making music long enough to be comfortable with my capabilities and not worried about what other people want to say. Plus, I think it's just a TV show and they are either looking for what you got or not.
Novac: Well, you fulfilled the dreams of thousands and thousands (if not more) American Idol contestants and made it through to Hollywood. Randy voted "Yes" for you on the basis that you would talk to the animals for him, and Paula said that she would vote for you "for [her] own reasons."
Dave: Woohoo!
Novac: Did you ever get to talk to the animals for Randy? What do you think Paula's reasons were?
Dave: Yep, I saw a pelican on the Santa monica Pier and i said, "Hey, Randy Jackson loves you". They cut out a lot of clips from my audition. There was a lot cut out of my audition. Paula actually got out of her seat and said that my song sounded like it could be sung all over the world. She said there was no one in this world like me. Was she just being serious or just getting caught up in the goofy energy that i brought along with me…we may never know.
Novac: Did the editors cut out anything else that you had hoped would air?
Dave: No, they did a great job in giving me airtime….for sure!
Novac: Indeed. You were one of the lucky "teasers" that got shown before practically every commercial break.
Dave: Yeah, who would of thunk it?
Novac: Before the Hollywood performance, you are shown standing on your head and meditating. Were you just having fun with the camera crews, or really getting ready for the Hollywood experience?
Dave: I was frequently stretching and doing yoga all over the place. The clip you are referring too was not filmed directly before the audition.
Novac: How did the AI audition process stack up with your expectations?
Dave: It was A LOT longer and drawn out than I could of ever imagined.
Novac: What's the coolest thing that has happened as a result of your 15 minutes of national fame? Has your national exposure opened any doors for you?
Dave: I love getting fan mail. That is a new and wonderful pleasure. It's nice to hear good things about yourself!
Novac: Since you love fan mail, what's the best way for fans to contact you? What's the best way to keep up on your music in the future? You have your MySpace profile and your website, mrdubious.com.
Dave: Both are great!
Novac: You released a video of yourself inside one of the Super Mario games. Where did the "Super Dave" idea come from?
Dave: I used to play super mario ALL the time when I was a kid. One day I just messed around with Final Cut software on my Mac and threw it together.
Novac: Are there any other such bizarre items in the works?
Dave: Nah, I don't like to spent too much time in front of the computer, I'm more the outdoors type. Although I am working on a feature length film.
Novac: You're planning a nationwide music/dance tour this summer and filming a movie during the tour as well.
Dave: It's all up in the air right now, dependent on how far i can stretch my savings this summer.
Novac: Are you making the movie, or is someone else following you around?
Dave: I'm gonna go where I go, do what I do, and pass the camera to whomever wants to try their hand at filmmaking. It's definately going to be experimental/experiential!
Novac: If people want to be in Crazy Dave's movie, can they get in it somehow?
Dave: Sure, just send me an email, and I'll see if it works into the master plan.
Novac: If you could be a condiment, which condiment would you be?
Dave: Hey, I thought I was the crazy one here. What kind of a question is that?
Novac: Oh, it's just one of The Smarmy Carny's two obligatory questions. Besides, no one said I was sane . . . it's just that you were called "crazy" on national television.
Dave: To put thinking about this question behind us, I'll say Olive Oil.
Novac: Ginger or Mary Ann?
Dave: What does that mean?
Novac: LOL, that means it's the end of the interview. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to chat, Crazy Dave. I thank you, the readers thank you, and Abe Vigoda thanks you.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Laurence Soares

Laurence Soares of American Idol 5 fame stopped by The Smarmy Carny to answer a few questions. Larry is the American Idol contestant who exuberantly sang C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". Larry was only shown for about ten seconds.

We had a second opportunity to see Larry on American Idol during Michael Sandecki's pre-audition footage. Larry is the guy who told Michael to turn it down a tad, to no avail.

Novac from The Smarmy Carny: For the record: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour?
Laurence Soares: ah… monty phython. my name is Larry Soares. My quest is to show the world I'm the funniest man alive, and it's a tie between blue and silver
Novac: American Idol displayed your name as Laurence. Do you prefer Laurence or Larry?
Larry: either's way is fine.
Novac: You have said that you hadn't really watched AI before you auditioned. If you didn't watch the show, how did you decide to audition?
Larry: a lot of my friends have seen me sing the song i did before at karaoke… so they pushed me to try out, it was close at gillette stadium so i said hey what the hell maybe ill get through maybe i wont
Novac: Where'd you get that American Idol shirt you wore on the show?
Larry: the day of the first audition… they had a booth selling them so i bought one to sway the decision of the producers…. i guess it worked
Novac: How did you come to choose C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"? Simply chosen because you had sang it at karaoke?
Larry: i heard the rumor they wanted people who were unique, different, and entertaining… something they have never seen SO that's the first song that came to me… plus it's a crowd favorite here. it sets me apart of everyone else. i don't know anyone who can sing a duet by themselves… do you
Novac: There was that one AI contestant who was dressed half-man, half-woman . . . I'm sure that was a duet.
Larry: ah… but was it good? lol. i switch my voice very quickly too
Novac: Well, that wasn't a stipulation of the question!
Larry: true
Novac: What sort of music do you generally listen to?
Larry: mostly rock. i play hip hop top 40 music all day so i can't stand to hear it when i'm away from work. i can't listen to the radio either just cd's or my ipod. you know what i mean
Novac: Indeed. It's like bringing your work home with you. You produce a morning show on Fun107, and you've been with the station for about ten years now, right?
Larry: yep… this particular morning show i"m doing now just started after 9/11. before that off and on from 97' to 2001
Novac: You're also in the improv comedy group Speed of Thought Players.
Larry: yeah… i've been with them since may of 2000. it's a good release from daily stress… improv comedy, kind of like who's line is it anyway
Novac: What's your favorite improve game to play?
Larry: sound f/x i'll grab the mic and sit in the crowd while the other sotp player acts out the scene making no sounds, i provide them
Novac: In fact, you displayed some of your sfx/beatboxing abilities on your American Idol audition.
Larry: heheh a little yeah. i love doing voices too… my two best are jack nicholson and bill cosby. maybe i'll send you an mp3 tomorrow
Novac: If you do, you really must say "Puddin' Pops" . . . it's a requirement for Bill Cosby impressions.
Larry: that and jello and kodak and we can't forget the coca cola. oh and "ruuuudee" and "theeooooooh" and all the kids on the cosby show
Novac: Most people seem to have forgotten about Picture Pages. I miss Picture Pages.
Larry: mortimer snerd yes. i used to make the sound of the pen when i watched it on nickelodeon
Novac: You're also the vocalist and saxophonist of alternative/rock/pop band Sweet Set Murder (formerly Third Rail).
Larry: yep i've been with those guys for about 12 years now. mostly alternative rock with some pop stuff too
Novac: Original music or covers?
Larry: mostly original but every show we have we like to cover a couple to let the audience enjoy some favorites. dave matthews, a-ha, we even covered the full house theme song
Novac: Is it now obligatory that you cover C+C Music Factory?
Larry: i won't sing that one for the band, just karaoke now. i like to keep that seperate
Novac: What did your band think of your audition?
Larry: they loved it… they even put it up on our myspace site for all to see
Novac: What's the coolest thing that has happened as a result of your 15 minutes of national fame? Has your national exposure opened any doors for you? (And by "15 minutes," I refer to your literal "10 seconds.")
Larry: not yet, actually i'm being interviewed by a FOX news station, and i'm slipping them a dvd of my performance so they can take a better clip to show new england at least. they feel massachusetts was poorly represented on audition so they're spending some extra time just talking about mass
Novac: Clearly, your MySpace profile has seen plenty of traffic since your audition aired. Do you think Speed of Thought Players or Sweet Set Murder will enjoy any extra audience from this?
Larry: i think so. some people who watch something that interests them, want to know a little bit more about that person's way of life, are they in a band, what do they do for fun, so i purposely threw that stuff on myspace to kind of give them that opportunity to learn more about me. and i have seen more traffic hit their sites as well so i know it's working
Novac: By the way: Your MySpace profile includes an animated picture of The Truffle Shuffle on it. Thanks for that.
Larry: hey, can't wait for goonies 2 to come out. WB is debating whether or not they should. chunk's the man
Novac: Did you watch the Goonies DVD with commentary from all of the actors?
Larry: no i haven't yet.
Novac: Corey Feldman acts like an attention-starved jerk, as usual, and it's far too many people for an audio commentary to talk all at once. But still, it's a novelty.
Larry: i'll have to check that out
Novac: Speaking of attention-starved people . . .
Larry: who mike
Novac: Exactly. Later in the show, we see you stuck right next to Michael Sandecki, an obnoxious Clay Aiken lookalike. You tried to get him to "turn it down a tad," but Michael just kept hamming it up. You then turn to the camera and claim that "If I'm stuck next to him the whole time, I'm going to go insane." How long were you stuck next to Sandecki? What didn't we see that you had to endure?
Larry: well first off, mike's a great kid. HOWEVER, you gotta realize when you're stuck or I should say right next to someone when you have no control over it, you want to be next to someone who's a little less hyper than well… mike. the camera guys i'm assuming were frightened to even think about going near him fearing he would tackle them or something that's probably why you didnt see any extra footage. he did from time to time calm down but only in 5 second bursts
Novac: 5 second "bursts" of calmness?
Larry: i counted. then it was WHOOO HOOO AMERICAN IDOL YEAH!!!! I basically jinxed myself when i made that comment , because i made it BEFORE we went in the room.
Novac: So the energy continued, even when the cameras weren't on?
Larry: if he saw a camera he flipped the switch.. i mean no one could humanely act that hyper all the time. there were times he was normal, but it didn't last long if he saw a camera
Novac: Since only a small fraction of your audition was televised, how did the judges react to your performance?
Larry: well… simon didnt even recognize the song… funny how seacrest said in the clip I contributed to his headache. Paula said she'd never see something like that in her lifetime, whih was cool, and randy suggested i should go cross country and sing that song professionally. i'd make a lot of money, sso maybe i will. anyways simon said no. paula said yes, and randy said i was very entertaining but not what they were looking for
Novac: Did they let you sing the entire song in your audition, or did they cut you off soon after the televised portion ended?
Larry: get this…. they let me sing for 2 minutes straight, and they chose that ten second clip to try to make their headache montage.
Novac: In comparison to the other 1 minute 50 seconds, is that much worse, then?
Larry: i have never heard anything but praise when i sing that song. i've had people who look like they would NEVER comment to me, say "WOW, THAT WAS AWESOME." It's almost like it would bother them if they didn't say something
Novac: So, when you auditioned, did you think you had a good chance at going through to Hollywood, or did you know that you would be rejected?
Larry: well, when i went to the first audition i thought. eh, I probably woon't get through this one, but I did. Then the second audition came and i said, ok if i dont make it no big deal i got further then a lot of people, then i got through, then when it came to randy paula, and simon i said wow, i could go to hollywood, and that's where the train stopped…. for idol at least.
Novac: Nearly every single reality show contestant complains about editing. Other than the other minute and fifty seconds of your audition, did the editors cut out anything that you had hoped would air?
Larry: i wish they played the judges reaction. actually i wish they played my audition like everyone else. not throw me in some montage and edit how they see fit to make me look like an idiot. especially when they're comments aren't bad at all. The worst thing simon said to me was, you remind me of a streetperformer where people throw money in a hat. Actually those people make a VERY good living doing that. No "You're horrible, you're horrendous", or other Simon catch phrases. He's actually VERY nice (if you can believe that) off camera. It's all hyped up for the show
Novac: It's obligatory, isn't it? Simon is, after all, known as the rude Englishman, right?
Larry: they edited that out. lol. if he's not rude… it's gone. he disappointed me really. i thought he'd tear me apart, but no. nothing
Novac: How did the AI audition process stack up with your expectations?
Larry: very well up until the last day. see, when you say something, stand by it. When you say to contestants, we're looking for something different, something we never see before, and you have thirteen girls in the contest in the top 12 looking like carrie underwood, that upsets me. bottom line, if the music industry wants to flourish again… go for the talent, not the look. I'm not saying I'M in that category, I'm just sick of seeing the SAME people singing the SAME thing. maybe they'll learn… someday.
Novac: Yes, it's undeniable that girls looking like models with questionable talent have been sent to Hollywood. Just look at "fit model" Ashley Jackson. Paula told her that her audition wasn't going well. The only thing we see after that is Ashley singing with her mouth closed, and she is passed through to Hollywood. Go figure.
Larry: my audition process was a great experience. and it'll give me a little bit more of an insight to NEXT YEAR'S AUDITION
Novac: So does that mean you're auditioning for American Idol 6?
Larry: yes i am. I should of taken the place of crazy dave, the animal psychic. and this time, i will be singing a completely different song. taking it very seriously because it's the last time i can do it
Novac: But Crazy Dave, a.k.a. Mr. Dubious, didn't last too long in Hollywood.
Larry: i would have switched gears once i was in hollywood. what people dont know is, i can really sing. if the judges tell me differently next year… well, there's always the comedy route. lol
Novac: What about the novelty singer/songwriter route? Dr. Demento and all that jazz?
Larry: i actually grew up listening to weird al who gets played all the time on demento. i can make up novelty songs, but really not interested in that right now
Novac: How can fans keep up with you in the future? There's your MySpace profile and your brand new website, noblueones.com . . . the site is in its infancy, but you plan on adding plenty to it.
Larry: yeah i plan on doing more with it like adding video skits, pictures, perhaps novelty songs, now that you've mentioned that, and keep up the myspace as long as it lasts, and try to find which road gets me to hollywood. myspace is probably the best bet right now to get a hold of me. it basically links anyone to everything i'm involved in
Novac: No Blue Ones dot com. You love SweeTarts, but you hate the blue ones. Have you informed Willy Wonka of this?
Larry: i did. then all the oompa loompas came out of nowhere, and sang me a good bye song, and then the next thing i remember i woke up in my room. so, in a way i STILL didnt get the golden ticket
Novac: Double whammy. Deep Roy has a way of doing that to you.
Larry: word.
Novac: Jennifer Love Hewitt. Discuss.
Larry: (faints) she is my wife plain and simple. she has the most beautiful eyes, smile, and… well most perfect body i have ever seen. i find it difficult no guy has contacted her for valentines day. gimme the number JLH's agent!!!!! I'll sweep her right off her feet
Novac: So you haven't used your newfound contacts to meet her in person yet?
Larry: lol. no not yet. next year i'll wear a "JLH call me" tshirt. then ill sneak the number in the audition somehow
Novac: A word of advice: Shy away from any of her songs for your American Idol 6 audition.
Larry: will do. i'll probably be in the vicinity of dave matthews or john mayer type songs
Novac: Just two last obligatory questions, and I’ll let you be on your way . . .
Larry: shoot
Novac: If you could be a condiment, which condiment would you be?
Larry: lol. ketchup. it's my favorite. plus, it goes well on EVERYTHING. john kerry's wife teresa told me to say that
Novac: Well, you could always use the alternative W Ketchup.
Larry: ooh. never. she'd kill me
Novac: Indeed. You, being a Bay Stater, are still under her thumb. [I would like to formally congratulate myself for using the proper Massachusettes adjective. Now I need to go interview someone from Connecticut so I can refer to them as a Nutmegger.]
Larry: nah.. now that her husband isn't prez… i'm good. we'll see what happens in 2008
Novac: I'm afraid that in 2008, you'll be worried more about my state's senator than yours.
Larry: probably
Novac: Last question: Ginger or Mary Ann? (Sorry, no JLH option here!)
Larry: damn. ginger… maybe i'll get to hollywood that way heheheheh
Novac: Between Ginger and Seacrest, I'd have to say: Seacrest OUT!
Larry: lol
Novac: Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to chat, Larry. I thank you, the readers thank you, and Abe Vigoda thanks you.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Ryan Hart

Ryan Hart of American Idol 5 fame stopped by The Smarmy Carny to chat for a while. Ryan is the American Idol contestant who screamed his song at Simon, Paula, and Randy. Of course, when your song is by screamo band Silverstein, what else would you do???

As a courtesy to the young tikes, I will warn you that there is some language ahead. You have been warned. If you don't want to put up with it, go here instead. Thank you. And now, on with the show.

Novac from The Smarmy Carny: For the record: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour?
Ryan Hart: Haha, well my name is Ryan, my quest? To reach level 19, my favorite color, DARKNESS.
Novac: Are you a fan of American Idol?
Ryan: Ehhh, I watched season one. And occasionally I'll catch a couple of the outtakes, but if you think I was rocking out to "Bo Bice" last season, then you're gravely mistaken
Novac: How did you decide that you were going to audition for American Idol 5?
Ryan: It's always been somewhat of a dream for me and some friends to go onto American Idol and do something noone else has ever done, ie. scream our heads off, and immortalize ourselves on television. But alas, my friends are lazy, and I was the only one who showed unfortunately
Novac: Not even one of them showed for moral support? Lame.
Ryan: Yeah, it sucked being alone for 30 hours, but at least I made friends in the waiting room heh
Novac: Did you get to know any of the other televised contestants? Or were you the only one lucky enough to get on air?
Ryan: Hmm, I can't remember all of their names exactly, but yeah, I made friends with a couple of people I saw on the air, namely Torah (who was only on for about three seconds but still). Bobby Mae even bought me a soda heh
Novac: Did she tell you whether or not you were going to drink it?
Ryan: haha. funny story about that soda actually. You see, in the waiting room is was f**king FREEZING, and stupid me, I forgot to bring a jacket so I was shivering the *entire* time I was there and I didn't have any money, so I couldn't buy something warm to eat/drink. I told Bobby this, and she decides to buy me, a shivering cold boy, an ice cold soda. now, I don't know what her intentions were buying me that, I assume it was to be nice, but to me that's kind of be like buying an ethiopian some diet pills, but I guess it's the thought that counts right?
Novac: I'm thinking she should have known exactly what you wanted. *cough*
Ryan: haha.
Novac: Do you generally stick to screamo/emo/hardcore music?
Ryan: Well, I like songs in every genre, to limit yourself to one type of music is stupid imo, there are fantastic songs in every genre, and if you limit yourself to just one type you're seriously missing out. But, I have over 2,000 songs on my computer, that range from Yellowcard, to Silverstein, to Remembering Never, to Bad Religion, and many, many more
Novac: How did you choose Silverstein's "Smashed into Pieces" for your audition? Are you a Silverstein fan, or were you just looking for a song that would let you stand out?
Ryan: I'm a big Silverstein fan actually, infact they're the main screamo band I listen to, and Smashed Into Pieces was one of the only screamo songs I knew all the words for (damn screaming is hard to understand sometimes) so I went with what I knew. So I chose that songs for two reasons, 1) to support the band and 2) I definetly knew that it'd make me stand out. I'm willing to bet alot of people who saw my audition rushed to silverstein's website/myspace to hear the real version, so free publicity for one of my favorite bands=g00d
Novac: Had you prepared any other songs for your American Idol audition?
Ryan: Heh, just another Silverstein song, like I said, I like numerous screamo/hardcore bands, but very few songs do I know word for word, mostly only Silverstein songs. my back up song would've either been "Giving Up" or "Defend You" by Silverstein
Novac: Silverstein's official site says that you are invited out to any one of their shows. I'm guessing that you're planning on taking them up on their offer?
Ryan: Hell yes I am, hell, I'm even invited to the after party (they sent me a PM on myspace saying so). I'm wondering if I should do something weird when I show up. like, Shane Told, Silverstein's singer, is a vegan. I wonder if I should show up wearing a wool jacket, bring jello along for a snack, and be drinking milk when I show up or if I should wear nothing but silverstein gear from head to toe. Of course I'm just joking though, I wouldn't want to come off as a creepy asshole/stalker, first impressions and all. maybe further down the road heh
Novac: Well, it seems you've already made a good first impression with the band.
Ryan: Yeah, I was worried they'd think I was a douche bag, like 90% of the hardcore kids on myspace
Novac: As with any American Idol contestant, you've been chastized for your audition. Both the mainstream and the hardcore culture have frequently mentioned the word "poser" (and worse). What's your response to this?
Ryan: Heh, people are entitled to their opinion, even if their opinion is that of a complete moron, but what I did on American Idol was something noone else can ever claim they did, and I was coached by the AI producers with alot of stuff I did/said. In other words alot of my audition was me acting…like a jack ass, but still acting. My friends and family know I'm not like that, that's all that matters to me. In reality, I think the scene is retarded, I'm not a hardcore kid, and I could care less if I'm considered "hardcore" or not by a bunch of 14 year olds who's idea of a good time is fighting invisible ninjas
Novac: Hmm, not to get sidetracked, but aren't all ninjas invisible?
Ryan: …touche sir
Novac: Speaking of friends and family, what kind of reaction did you get from people who already knew you well?
Ryan: We actually played my audition (my friend recorded it) at one of my best friend's recent birthday party, everyone, including myself cracked the f**k up. It was hilarious to everyone. we all got a good laugh out of it
Novac: You have also generated a fan base online, too. What's the coolest thing that has happened as a result of your 15 minutes of fame? Has your national exposure opened any doors for you?
Ryan: Well, besides getting alot of band offers. Some of the coolest things so far include getting offered free stuff from numerous websites, getting interviewed by Rolling Stone Magazine among with other magazines/websites, and of course getting to meet my favorite band. I doubt the other contestants have gotten anything more than public mockery
Novac: Any word on when you might show up in Rolling Stone?
Ryan: Hm, well, they interviewed me, as well as some other folks whom were on AI, a couple days ago, so I'm guessing soon
Novac: Pre-audition, you said that the judges had never even heard your kind of singing. Did you expect to make it through to Hollywood, or did you go in knowing that you'd get turned down?
Ryan: I pretty much knew I wasn't going to make it to Hollywood (I tend to be somewhat of a pessimist sometimes, expect the worst hope for the best type of s**t), but it lingered in the back of my mind "what if I DID go to Hollywood?!" and that thought gave me wood. Did I say wood? I meant excitement. I SWEAR.
Novac: Yeah, you never know. Just look at Dave Hoover, a.k.a. Mr. Dubious.
Ryan: Haha, indeed. It even came to my opinion I could be the next william hung, you know, without the down syndrome.
Novac: After you left the audition room, Randy and Simon are shown mimicking your style of singing. How would you rate them?
Ryan: Hah, some people told me "after watching your audition, I can say this: Randy should start a screamo cover band". As for how I'd rate him? How about a 1 (for the number of fingers I'd of shown him if I knew he was mocking me like that heh)
Novac: LOL. Speaking of William Hung, he will appear on the Arrested Development finale tonight.
Ryan: Oh yeah? See, why can't I be on Arrested Development, it's bull s**t. I think I acted just as, if not more, of a jack ass then him and he gets a record deal. Oh well, with a mug like that, I guess god had to make it up to him somehow huh? Aw, now I feel bad hah, ragging on poor william like that. he's every american idol rejects aspiration including mine, I'm just speaking out of jealousy
Novac: Yes, poor William, whose album is in the top 50,000 at Amazon.com Music.
Ryan: haha.
Novac: I have a feeling that American Idol auditions saw a LOT more intentional rejects come through after William Hung.
Ryan: Yeah, you see, people have to go through two "lesser judges" or as Simon probably looks at them "lesser beings" if you will. they'll pass anyone who stands out.
Novac: Just imagine William Hung singing screamo covers.
Ryan: haha. oh man. I'd challenge him to a sing off if that shit started happening
Novac: Post-audition, we see you screaming a message to Simon. You are bleeped heavily during this message, and the only words not censored were "Simon!" at the beginning and "Thank you!" at the end. Were you really cursing the entire time? If not, what were you saying?
Ryan: Lawl, funny story about that. After my audition the camera people and the producers kept following me, trying to get me to freak out, which they semi-succeeded, which was the screaming part. they told me "say something to Simon in your screaming voice!" I didn't know what to say on the spot like that, so I just started screaming nonsense until the first thing popped into my head, which was "suck it mother f**ker!" followed by more mumbling. they bleeped out the entire thing to create the effect like I was cursing the whole time. probably only 3 seconds of it was actual cursing
Novac: Good times. You had already proven your willingness to curse on television, but what was suspect was that the end of your rant did not sound anything like "Thank you." As usual, the American Idol camera crew and editors had their fun.
Ryan: indeed. When I saw that I thought to myself "I don't remember saying thank you.."
Novac: Nearly every single reality show contestant complains about editing. Did the editing portray anything differently than it really happened? Did they cut out anything that you hoped would have aired? Did the judges talk to you any more than what we saw on the show?
Ryan: They f**ked me over royally with their editing. the producers gave me, as well as everyone advice on how to stand out if we wanted to get on tv (pretty much just told us to get really angry and throw a chair at someone) but my intention was to do something noone else has ever done, TO GET ON TV. when Simon asked me "What on Earth are you doing here?" I kept in mind what the producers told me, and tried to act serious, so I responded with "To stand out, to try something new" then Random chimed in, "Seriously dude, what were you hoping to get out of this?" Then I paused and started laughing because they obviously saw straight through my lie. then I blurted out "Dude I just wanted to get on tv!" "Finally some honesty!" all three judges exclaimed. then Simon told me to get out, and that was that!
Novac: Much cooler, but you know they'd never televise someone saying that they just wanted to get on TV.
Ryan: indeed, I think they actually got mad I said that, to the point where they made me look as if I was 100% serious, but thank god anyone with common sense knew I was joking simply by the way I kept smiling and laughing. but alas, not many people seem to have common sense anymore, or else I wouldn't have been flooded with messages of "YOU SUCK . . . YOU'RE NOT HARDCORE EITHER OMG LAWL FAG LOL!!!", etc.
Novac: How did the entire American Idol audition process stack up with your expectations?
Ryan: The American Idol audition process was HORRIFIC, I felt like stabbing myself just to keep entertained. first of all, it took place WAY too early in the morning (I had to get up at like 3 am both days), then the wait was even worse. we were forced to wait around jerking each other off for a good 15 hours *both* days and it was FREEZING as f**k. it sucks when you can't tell if you're shaking because your nervous or if you're cold. I was glad to be done with it tell you the truth after Simon told me to get out. after my audition, I just wanted to go home, so when the cameras were all in my face, and the producers kept telling me to do stuff I was like "IF I DO THIS CAN I GO HOME?!" and they were like yeah, but not until you do this!, so I did whatever they told me — not to mention I only had like 6 hours of sleep over the course of three days during the auditions
Novac: So does that mean you won't be auditioning next year?
Ryan: ehhh, I still haven't decided to tell you the truth, probably not, but if I get enough support, or if my friends get off their asses and go, then I might
Ryan: I don't want to go through that long and arduous process all alone again
Novac: Perhaps you could track down the GWAR guys from Boston to come hang out with you.
Ryan: haha, I saw that s**t. my friends and I were like "oh snap we should've done that"
Novac: Are you still planning on writing a full description of your American Idol experience? Or has life gotten in the way of that?
Ryan: I've written a little over half, but when you're working full time and going to college on your days off, it doesn't leave too much free time. but little by little I'm writing it, it just won't come out as soon as I had originally anticipated, I have alot to write about
Novac: Ahh, so you're no longer unemployed.
Ryan: indeed I'm not! I had only quit my job about a week before my AI audition and I got a job not too long after, so everyone who was telling me "get a job you bum!" can stuff it :-p
Novac: It seems convenient, because "unemployed" fits well with the audition.
Ryan: yeah heh, makes me look *that much more* pathetic
Novac: Tell me you've joined up with Blue Man Group.
Ryan: Close, I work at a grocery store now >.< it pays the bills at least
Novac: How can readers of The Smarmy Carny keep up with you in the future? Your MySpace profile is getting quite popular. Are you going to update everyone there, or are you working on a website?
Ryan: I've talked to a few people about hosting a website, but nothing set in stone as of yet, I check myspace pretty often, and I try to comment as many people as I can, but it's hard to keep up when your inbox is flooded with hundreds of messages daily. so myspace, for now, are people's best bet to keep updated
Novac: It's the price of fame.
Ryan: I'll give you a little piece of information though on something I might do. National Inquiry contacted me yesterday asking if I'd be interested in having a contest with the other American idol "rejects", to see who gets the most votes or something, the grand prize being a free trip to LA. I'm not sure, but I think I might go for it, if not to give my family a vacation (I'll have work) then to maybe do something special where I'd send the tickets out to my biggest myspace fan, heh! who knows
Novac: Ahh, so you might actually get that trip to Hollywood after all, and without Simon's critique!
Ryan: haha, indeed!
Novac: Too bad the producers didn't promo you the entire episode, like they did with Zachary Travis or Rhonetta Johnson.
Ryan: yeah, probably because they can't do too much with "I just wanted to get on tv"
Novac: Just two last obligatory questions, and I'll let you be on your way . . .
Ryan: shoot
Novac: If you could be a condiment, which condiment would you be, and why?
Ryan: I'd be glow in the dark so Amanda's belly button will never suffer again (joke)
Novac: Yikes.
Ryan: lol
Novac: And, finally: Ginger or Mary Ann?
Ryan: definetly Ginger, brunettes ftw. plus she looks like I wouldn't have to hit her over the head with a coconut in order to do the no pants dance with (joke)
Novac: Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to chat, Ryan. I thank you, the readers thank you, and Abe Vigoda thanks you.