The Smarmy Carny

Ty Veculus

This Thursday, Who Wants to Be a Superhero? premieres on SciFi.

As with any new show, there's no way to tell how good it will be, but the video clips I have seen thus far look promising. One of the big draws to the show is that it features Stan Lee, who will apparently judge the contest and write a comic book based on the winning character.

I have a feeling that geeks will enjoy this show a bit more than the standard population, and that's most likely why it's on SciFi and not Fox or Bravo. Still, anyone who enjoys watching people dress up like jerks should derive some entertainment from the show.

Here's the official blurb on Who Wants to Be a Superhero?:

From all walks of life have come 11 very different people, all out to prove to legendary comic-book creator Stan Lee that they have what it takes to be a true superhero. But as they're about to learn, it takes more than a sharp costume and cool powers to be a hero — because for a true superhero, it's what kind of person you are that counts the most….

I hope that the premiere will show the audition with a man blowing up a large balloon-type device, getting inside it, sticking just his head out of the opening, and hopping around the stage. Good times. Still, not all that apply get on the show. Here's a little well-advertised spoiler: Only 11 contestants are chosen, and their superhero names are:

• Cell Phone Girl
• Fat Momma
• Major Victory
• Levity
• Feedback
• Monkey Woman
• The Iron Enforcer
• Nitro G
• Ty Veculus
• Lemuria
• Creature

I don't know if we've really got the next Fantastic Four hiding in this bunch, but based on the auditions, I wouldn't hold your breath for Ben Grimm. Spider-Man taught us that with great power comes great responsibility. I think that this show might teach us that with great fame comes great dramatic geekage.

In the spirit of the Tour de France, here are some bicycle-related jokes for this week's Thilly Thursday jokes.

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired!

Overheard: The hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle is the road!

Man: I've really had it with my dog: he'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
Woman: So what are you going to do, chain him up? Give him away?
Man: Nothing that drastic. I'll probably just confiscate his bike.

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on a shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"
The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A man on a bike was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border because he was carrying two sacks on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
The guard gave the cyclist a suspicious look and said, "Set the bags down so I can take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued week after week and the guard never found anything suspicious in the bags of sand.
After a year, the cyclist stopped showing up. A month later, the guard ran into the cyclist in the city while he was off-duty. The guard told the cyclist, "We haven't seen you at the border for a few weeks. You always had us wondering what you were up to! We knew that you were smuggling something across the border, but we never could figure out what it was. I can't take it any more — you've got to tell me what you were smuggling!"
The cyclist smiled and told him the truth: "Bicycles!"

The Power Workers’ Union (an Ontario-based organization) started the "A Better Energy Plan" campaign this summer to warn the public that if coal was removed as a source of power, blackouts would become commonplace.

The campaign included three commercials: "Stoplights," "Elevator," and "Pub."

The commercials aren't really astounding or anything, but "Stoplights" cracks me up every time I see it. "Elevator" really gets the point across, too.

Keep in mind that if you don't find these as entertaining as I did, there's no refunds on the time you wasted.

The propane torch

Each July 8, the Summer Redneck Games are played in East Dublin, GA at Buckeye Park. Originally, the games were started as a reaction to a media comment that the summer Olympics in Atlanta would be run by a bunch of rednecks. The first year, there were 1,000 spectators, but now about 10,000 show up each year to view the spectacle that is the Redneck Games.

Each year, the Redneck Games are kicked off with the arrival of the propane torch and the lighting of the ceremonial grill. This year's "ofishal skedyule" includes live music along with the following events:

• Lighting of Ceremonial Grill
• Redneck Horseshoes (Plungers and toilet seats are the equipment for this game.)
• Bobbin' For Pigs Feet
• Hubcap Hurl
• Mudpit Belly Flop
• Armpit Serenade
• Butt Crack Competition
• Fireworks
Previous years' events have also included Dumpster Diving, Seed Spitting Contest, Cigarette Flip, Big Hair Contest, Wet T-Shirt Contest, and the intriguing Bug Zapping by Spitball Contest.

The glorious winner of the Summer Redneck Games receives the ultimate prize: An empty, crushed Bud Light can mounted as a trophy.

New Line has reportedly picked up a movie pitch named "::imdb("tt0824766", "Redneck Games")::" that would have a has-been professional athlete finding redemption at the Redneck Games. I suggest you head out this year or next, before the movie comes out and attendance balloons from 10,000 to who knows how many spectators.

Happy Independence Day . . . and along with it, of course, came the 2006 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Championship, where twenty or so contestants see who can eat the most hot dogs and buns (known as HDBs in the competitive eating community) in a mere 12 minutes.

There was speculation that America might win the title back from Japanese speed-eater Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi. Even such a speculation was big news in the speed-eating world, considering Kobayashi's previous five victories. From 2001 through 2005, Kobayashi won by 19, 24.5, 20, 15.5, and then 12 hot dogs and buns. This May, however, Joey "Jaws" Chestnut beat the American record by eating 50 HDBs in 12 minutes. Granted, this didn't beat Kobayashi's record, but it did beat his 2005 Nathan's contest performance of 49 HDBs. Point is, the Americans have caught up.

Nonetheless, Kobayashi proved that he is still the champion, even under pressure. Not only did he win, but he broke his previous record by ¼ of a HDB. Still, Kobayashi's lead was not so comfortable this year. He won by a mere 1¾: Kobayashi's 53¾ HDBs to Chestnut's 52 HDBs.

Chestnut now easily holds the American record, however. He stole the record from Sonya "Black Widow" Thomas, who still holds the female record at 37. (She tied her 2005 performance this year.)

I'd remind you not to invite any of the competitive eaters over to your house for your 4th of July hot dog cookout, but I'm sure they've already got plans anyway.

In the spirit of the 2006 FIFA World Cup, here are some jokes to pass the time. If you think these are bad, you should see the rest of them . . .

• Q: How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
  A: Somebody took a corner!
• The following sign recently appeared on the notice board of a factory in England:
  

  ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVEMENTS, SICKNESS, JURY DUTY, ETC. MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.

• David Beckham walks into a pub. The bartender asks, "A pint of your usual, David?" Beckham replies "No, just a half, then I'm off."
• A young boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them. The judge asked him, "Why don't you want to live with your father?" The boy answered, "Because he beats me." The judge asked, "Then why not live with your mother?" The little boy replied, "She beats me, too." The judge, stumped, asked the boy, "Who would you like to live with if you don't live with your parents?" The boy thought about it and confidently answered, "The U.S. soccer team — they don't beat anyone!"

After tiring of posting personal stuff on this blog, I have decided that I would rather start up a second personal blog to post all the personal drivel that the random viewer doesn't care about.

It is with great pleasure that I introduce Random Fodder.

This should effectively give me a place to toss all the posts with no worth to the general public, as well as a pseudo-test environment for my primary blog. The same potpourri of random general information will still appear here at The Smarmy Carny.

In addition, I will use that space for Buffalo-related posts and the like as well.