The Smarmy Carny

This post has been re-posted at Random Fodder, Novac's personal blog.

I groggily pulled myself out of bed this morning. As I have been sick this week, I walked over to the glass of emergency orange juice I had poured myself before going to bed.

I took three large gulps of orange juice, and continued to the kitchen. I set the glass on the counter and headed for the bathroom. When I came back and approached the glass, it looked like there were cookie crumbs in my glass. Upon further inspection, there were three dead fruit flies floating on the top of the orange juice.

I quickly spit into the sink, with no obvious result. I opted not to induce vomiting for a few tiny pests.

The real unanswerable question is: How many fruit flies were there before I got up? I can only hope the answer is three.

Brice Mellen

We all know the kid that has amazing skills at a particular game, like that neighbor kid that not only knows all of the Mortal Kombat moves for every character, but refuses to teach you which button makes your guy punch.

Now, imagine going over and getting your butt kicked by this kid . . . and he's blind.

Brice Mellen, blind from birth, challenged other gamers at the DogTags Gaming Center in Lincoln, Nebraska. Of course, he won the games without too much trouble.

According to the DogTags site, Brice even beat Mortal Kombat creator Ed Boon at his own game . . . literally!

Take a look at Brice and one of his victories as well as his Today Show appearance.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

My usual disclaimer:

The only episodes of American Idol that I watch are the audition episodes. Why? Because watching people sing is less-than-enthralling for me. What I do enjoy, however, is watching people not sing for judges. Even in the audition episodes, my mind quickly starts to wander when a good singer starts belting it out.

The fifth installment of American Idol continued tonight, showing a slew of singers trying out in Denver.

Here is the list of the most interesting auditions from the second episode:

• Zachary Travis #37022 — Dude, looks like a lady. No, that wasn't Zachary's choice of song, but it was his choice of lifestyle. Zachary has the build of a female, with a mannish face, but quicly offered the information that he was frequently confused for a girl. Zachary wasn't dressed up like a drag queen, but the makeup, women's shirt, and girly belt didn't help matters. Of course, s/he played the prejudice card in what seemed to be a pre-thought out pseudo-rant, claiming that "America is prejudice and racist." Did I mention that Zachary is white? No? I didn't think I had to . . . until that quote. You won't want to miss the video of Zachary's audition and post-audition ranting!

• Nick McCord, a.k.a. "Flawless" #37614 — Nick's best gimmick was his wardrobe: matching hat, baggy shirt, and baggy pants, all with exactly the same pattern . . . and several sets of clothes, so he could have different patterns to choose from. Most people think of his suits as pajamas. Why "Flawless"? Here's the explanation, right from Nick himself: "I felt like I have one of these suits on, I might as well go ahead and call my something — my name something that it should be — name, which is very appropriate, which thereforth is Flawless, which was developed out of my mind." Of course, his day job is cleaning houses, but that's because he's a self-proclaimed "archtepreneur." Paradise Cleaning: "You come home, uh, with your home and . . . house smelling like — looking and smelling like paradise."
• Ben Hausbach #39705 — Ben is an inventor. In fact, he brought one of his inventions: The Cosmic Coaster. From what I could tell, it appears to be a strong circular magnet that floats above the stand and is held in place by three poles. The result? A highly unstable surface for you to set your drinks on. What more could you want? I think it won first place in the "Easiest way to spill your drink" category. Ben doesn't like to boast about his intelligence "because sometimes it intimidates people." I'm wondering who these intimidated people could possibly be — Simon, Randy, or Paula certainly weren't intimidated. Ben refers to himself as a triple-threat: "Singer, actor, inventor — I can dance a little." Considering his immense intelligence, Ben chose to sing "If I Only Had a Brain." When Simon turned down both his singing quality and his invention, Ben claimed that "You guys haven't given me a chance to evolve."

• Amanda Berg #39181 — Pre-audition, she showed off "the banana," a move she sort of made up on her own. I call it a "reverse somersault" . . . and, even in reverse, that's still considered a plain old "somersault." Amanda aspires to be "Whitney Houston" in ten years . . . perhaps she was referring to drug use and not singing ability. After attempting to sing to the judges, Simon asked her to rate herself out of ten. She gave herself a 6 out of 10, and Simon told her to "minus five-and-a-half."
• Erik Mena #35811 — Before heading into his audition, Erik resolved to stand his ground when facing Simon. After a less-than-poor performance, the judges did not say anything, prompting Erik to (nervously) stare Simon down. The music from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" started playing underneath the scene. Erik quickly dismissed himself. Watch the showdown.
• Garet Johnson #39702 — Garet is a third-generation cowboy who doesn't know more than the life of the ranch. In fact, he has never sang for humans before, yet he has had a Gonzonian chicken audience. You know you're off to a bad start when you can't remember the title of the song you are about to sing. Garet didn't sing overwhelmingly well, but there was obvious quality lying beneath the surface. Since Garet did not have money for vocal lessons, the judges apparently saw fit to give him some lessons, courtesy Fox. Upon his approval, Garet gave a very uncowboy like scream and jump, unless it was a scene in Brokeback Mountain. For more information on Garet, be sure to check out garetjohnsononline.com

This post will be updated as pictures and video clips are available online, so bookmark this page or the American Idol page.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

The fifth installment of American Idol premiered tonight, showing a slew of singers trying out in Chicago.

OK, here's the list of interesting auditions from the first episode:

• Crystal Parizanski #4358 — Watch Crystal's audition! Crystal was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

  Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
  Simon: Yes, the tan.
  Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
  Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
  Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
  Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
  Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
  Simon: Yeah, yeah.
  Crystal: I go tanning.
  Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
  Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
  Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
  Crystal: Oh, it is?

  They called in Crystal's mother to see what she thought, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own. View Crystal's MySpace profile. No video of her audition found YET. Watch Crystal's audition! There is also the Lady Marmalade video. It's of multiple contestants — Crystal initially appears for just one second, screaming, but the last 45 seconds of the clip is dedicated to her trying to sing "More, more, more." You also get to see a freak dressed up as a little girl in that clip.
  Here's a convenient way to watch Crystal's audition:

• Derek Dupree #2061 — Derek prepared by telling the camera all about his confidence, yet his huge sweat spots on his shirt might have betrayed that notion. Derek claimed to be able to sing in three pitches: Low, Mid-, and Semi-High. After being rejected, he pleaded with the judges to give him an hour and allow him to come back for another shot. Ryan Seacrest took Dupree and Seacrest out on the street to sing for random passersby. A couple started laughing as he sung, but that apparently was no hint to Derek that he might not make the cut.
• Amanda Rabideau #2951 — Simon asked Amanda what she did. Full of energy and effervescence, Amanda happily told the judges that she sold furniture, prompting Simon to ask for "something interesting" about her life. The one thing that was uninteresting? Her singing.
• Deputy Brandon Groves #2292 — Sang — what else? — "I Shot the Sheriff" . . . or at least, he tried. After determining that Groves did not have any authority in Chicago, the judges let him down. Watch Brandon's audition.
• Blake Boshnack #1452 — Blake is from New York, so he thought it only natural to dress as the Statue of Liberty. From what I can tell, his song was "New York, New York," but it was hard to tell, since Simon cut him off quickly: Blake only got to sing "Start spreadi–" Due to the half-second singing career, I was unable to write his entire name down.
• Jessica Nelson #? — Jessica's song included two words that needed to be bleeped out, and she was quickly denied. Her post-audition rant would have made a sailor blush. Time to go buy some soap to wash her mouth out. Here's a low-quality video.
• Stuart Benyamin #3935 — Stuart dressed in traditional Assyrian garb, which included an unfortunate hat. The fact that his song was also Assyrian didn't help his case much, either. Watch Stuart's audition video and check out his attire.
• Yuliya Matus #3421 — Yuliya is a Ukranian looking to obtain a 3-year performing visa. She opted to sing Bohemian Rhapsody, but her performance seemed more like a striptease, prompting Paula to take her jacket off. Watch Yuliya Matus' full audition video.
• David Hoover, aka "Crazy Dave" #2109 — One word: Spaz. Crazy Dave seemed to believe that if he had enough energy and overwhelming enthusiasm, that this would cancel out the fact that he couldn't sing. He was wrong . . . or was he? As with several previous poor performers, Randy and Simon split the vote, forcing Paula to be the one who let the poor performer down. This time, she had apparently had enough. Paula said, "For my own reasons . . . YES." Crazy Dave made it through. Oh yeah, he also performed barefoot and claims that animals started talking to him when he was 16. Here's his video:

• The Brittenum Twins, Derrell & Terrell #7958 & #7959 — Not a funny audition at all. They passed through with flying colors, but they're also already in legal trouble: According to ABC News, "Terrell Brittenum, 28, has been in jail since Jan. 10 on an outstanding warrant for charges related to the illegal purchase of a car in Rockdale County, Ga., east of Atlanta." His brother Derrell is expected to turn himself in on the same charges for using another man's identity to buy a 2005 Dodge Magnum. Watch the Brittenum twins' audition video, but I'm warning you: It's not funny.

This post will continue to be updated as pictures and video clips are made available online. Bookmark this page or the American Idol page to keep up to date.

Goalie?

Here's a picture of a true hockey fan!

I just have to wonder if he got stuck playing goalie or what.

See a larger version of this picture over at Break.com.

The original Chuck Norris facts are from an anonymous e-mail forward, and it's starting to balloon out of control. Heck, there's even a chucknorrisfacts.com now. The first 18 items in this list were written by Mike Fertig of Because the World Is Round.

I would pontificate further, but I think I just saw Chuck Norris outside my window.

1. When a tsunami happens, it’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.
2. Chuck Norris poops light sabers.
3. Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.
4. Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.
5. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.
6. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.
7. Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.
8. Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.
9. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten – every night for a snack.
10. On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
11. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
12. When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.
13. If Chuck Norris were a ballet dancer, he’d strangle you gracefully with his tutu. And then himself.
14. Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.
15. Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.
16. The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.
17. Chuck Norris uses staples as hair gel.
18. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
19. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
22. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
23. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
24. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
25. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
26. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
27. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
28. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
29. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
30. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
31. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
32. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
33. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
34. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
35. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
36. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
37. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
38. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
39. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
40. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
41. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
42. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
43. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian.
44. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
45. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
46. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
47. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
48. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
49. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
50. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
51. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
52. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
53. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
54. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
55. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
56. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
57. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
58. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
59. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
60. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
61. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
62. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
63. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
64. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
65. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
66. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
67. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

Chuck Norris has even acknowledged and responded to the original e-mail list on his own site:

IN RESPONSE TO THE "RANDOM FACTS" THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

In the words of Vince Vaughn's Dodgeball character Peter La Fleur: "Thank you, Chuck Norris."

Go ahead and buy the book "Potty Time With Elmo." Chances are, you'll receive a helpful, delightful little book that will encourage your youngster to start using the potty. Of course, there is that small chance that Elmo will threaten to kill you, instead.

Interestingly, the company that manufactures the book has said that there have been multiple complaints regarding this problem, so it's not just a single, isolated incident or a spoof.

The study results aren't yet in, but perhaps death threats are simply more effective than the "success-reward" method of potty training.

Then again, perhaps Elmo has snapped, and he'll finally get that court-ordered psychiatrist.

Be sure to keep reading . . . after all, who knows when they'll discover that the book "Elmo Wants a Bath" threatens to drown your child if they don't wash behind their ears?