The Smarmy Carny

When I originally created the theme days such as "Movie Monday" and "Thilly Thursday," I thought that Saturday's Simpleton would be fun. Unfortunately, it just hasn't worked out that way. Saturday's Simpleton is the least-used theme.

As a result, I'm doing away with Saturday's Simpleton. Obviously, Saturday needs a new theme, but I'm fresh out of ideas..

If you have any bright ideas, feel free to comment here and let me know what you'd like to see as Saturday's theme. For those that haven't noticed, alliteration is key.

The current themes are:

• Sunday's Site
• Movie Monday
• Television Tuesday (replaced Trailer Tuesday)
• Video Vednesday
• Thilly Thursday
• Foto Friday
• ??? (to replace Saturday's Simpleton)

I look forward to receiving some suggestions!

Inspired by the death today of the Saturday's Simpleton theme, I remembered one of the best resources for simpletons: the Darwin Awards.

By now, most people are familiar with the Darwin Awards. If you're one of the few who are still unfamiliar with the Darwin Awards, here's the official explanation:

In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.

You can read ::amazon("0452291925", "The Complete Darwin Awards")::, which includes 400 stories of Darwin Award nominees!

Entries include "Chimney-Cleaning Grenade," which teaches us to never weld a hand grenade to a chain . . . and not because the chain is dangerous. About a year before ::wikipedia("Characters_of_Lost#Leslie_Arzt", "everyone learned on Lost that old dynamite sweats nitroglycerin")::, the man in "Do-It-Yourself Landmine" learned it first.

There are plenty more to read on the site, and I suggest you read through some of the many selections if you haven't already.

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Crystal Parizanski

Thanks to the first week of American Idol auditions, this Saturday's Simpleton is Crystal Parizanski.

Crystal Parizanski was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
Simon: Yes, the tan.
Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
Simon: Yeah, yeah.
Crystal: I go tanning.
Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
Crystal: Oh, it is?

They called in Crystal's mother to see what she though, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own.

You can also view Crystal's MySpace profile, if you're so inclined.

There are two videos thus far:

1. Crystal's audition! You may also view this below as well.
2. The Lady Marmalade video, compiling multiple American Idol auditions using this song. Crystal appears twice: Once intially for just a second, screaming, and once at the end for about 45 seconds, trying to sing "More, more, more."

This week's simpleton is the Thomas Shaheen.

Stories about postal workers going . . . well, postal, have been fairly scarce the past few years. Instead of shooting up the place nowadays, they seem to be up to less fatal tricks.

Shaheen's co-workers became suspicious of Shaheen and placed a camera in their lunchroom. Sure enough, the camera caught him pouring urine into a coffee pot. Good times.

An AP article notes that "Shaheen was unhappy at work but the prosecutor declined to get into any further details." Well, I can get into one further detail: He's loony!

I just feel bad for the guy who drank the coffee in order to become suspicious in the first place. Or perhaps they got suspicious when it was his turn to bring in the birthday cake, and he brought a urine cake.

This one is so bad that I just had to post a second simpleton today. This guy is a real winner.

This week's second simpleton is Mark R. Downs Jr..

Downs is the coach of a T-ball team, he loved winning, and he had a problem. He had a disabled child on his team, and league rules require that each player play at least three innings.

So, what would you do in this instance? Would you focus on training the disabled child to allow him to play the best he could play? Would you just play the kid in the three least important innings? Would you cheat and play the kid for less than three innings? Believe you me . . . we could hope that Downs had chosen simply to cheat in this way.

Nope. Downs had a different idea. Of course, who wouldn't? Naturally, he just followed his heart. He (allegedly) offered another T-ball player on the team $25 to intentionally injure the disabled boy so he couldn't/wouldn't play in the game. The disabled child was hit in the head and the groin by baseballs and did not play in that day's game. Mission accomplished, I suppose.

Downs was arrested and charged with criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault and corruption of minors. Good times. Doesn't that match up with your childhood memories of playing baseball?

This week's simpleton is Cheryl Ann Schoonmaker.

Schoonmaker allegedly forced two of her children to take turns riding in the trunk on an eight hour drive between Alabama and Virginia, according to an AP story.

Schoonmaker was driving five girls to Virginia to her ex-husband's house. Of course, her brilliant excuse was that there wasn't enough space for all the children. Surprisingly, the girls had asked to be let out of the trunk.

She was charged with felony child abuse and felony child cruelty. Each charge carries a maximum of five years in prison.

For crying out loud. Everyone knows you're supposed to strap them to the roof rack!

This week's simpleton is Todd Grannis.

Grannis, a 38-year-old man, climbed up a 10-foot scaffold, set his gasoline-drenched cape on fire, plunged into a swimming pool, and then took the plunge. After the stunt, he got down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend.

Grannis' fiancée was initially upset at the stunt but nonetheless said "Yes." Apparently she missed the huge warning signs.

No, Grannis isn't this week's simpleton because he proposed. He's the simpleton because he set himself on fire in order to propose. Keep in mind that, even though he got help from a stuntman, he is not a stuntman himself. A more compelling headline could have been "Man Dies in Fiery Proposal Attempt."