The Smarmy Carny

Here it is: Try out the Falling Sand Zen Garden.

The odd thing about this is that I looked at the game for about 30 seconds and realized what a lame, stupid game it was. After two minutes, however, I was hooked, and 30 minutes later, I had to pull myself away. I would have posted this earlier, but I got hooked and ended up playing on it for another 15 minutes.

Confused? You should be. Here are some hints to make things more interesting. Also, I find it most useful to start by drawing a wall along the bottom of the board so everything doesn't just fall out of the map.

• Cera = Ceramic
• Fire burns Oil (quickly)
• Water grows Plants
• Fire burns Cera (slowly)
• Water makes Namekuji grow
• Salt makes Namekuji shrink
• ??? pink stuff consists of pure evil

There you have it. Now you can go ahead and play to your heart's content.

Additionally, there's even a song specifically about this timewasting game. Tim DeBruine of Craic Wisely wrote "Falling Sand Song." Crazy fun.

If you enjoy Napoleon Dynamite, then you'll like this Robot Chicken sketch titled "Napoleon Bonamite."

[Rod Serling impersonation]: Picture, if you will . . .

. . . cross the two famous Napoleons with each other. Put Napoleon Dynamite in Napoleon Bonaparte's position. What would he do in battle? Watch the video for yourself:

If you can stand this and find it funny, you'll probably like most everything else you see on Robot Chicken. Catch it on weekend late nights on Cartoon Network.

Ahh, "Mahna Mahna." Yes, it rules, and it predates "Numa Numa" by quite a while.

Mahna Mahna is so great because it's one of those pseudo-popular things . . . something you can mention by name in a crowded room and instantly grab 5 or 6 people's attention, yet something you can also mention to a dozen people who have no idea what you're talking about.

For those that don't know, Mahna Mahna is a skit that appeared on The Muppet Show back in 1976. The song itself has quite a history, but the popularized version is, of course, the Muppets' version.

Statler asks, "The question is: 'What is a "Mahna Mahna?"'"
Waldorf replies, "The question is: 'Who cares?!?'"

Watch it here:

Watch or download Mahna Mahna at Google Video.

If you're still reading this even after I've posted the link, feel free to read some of these facts here, courtesy Wikipedia:

• "Mahna Mahna" is readily available on DVD and CD!
• The song was originally written in 1968 by Piero Umiliani for the softcore documentary Svezia, Inferno e Paradiso (Sweden, Hell and Heaven).
• In 1969 it was recorded by Henri Salvador under the title "Mais Non, Mais Non."

• The Muppet Show soundtrack album featuring Mahna Mahna hit number one on the UK charts.
• A cover was performed by Cake on For The Kids, a 2002 compliation album that also features Barenaked Ladies, Sarah McLachlan, Tom Waits, Darius Rucker, Sixpence None The Richer, Guster, Five For Fighting, and Billy Bragg & Wilco. The album benefits the VH1 Save the Music Foundation.
• "Weird Al" Yankovic references the Muppets sketch in "Couch Potato."

This article has been re-posted at Idle Idols, the site for the funniest American Idol auditions.

Crystal Parizanski

Thanks to the first week of American Idol auditions, this Saturday's Simpleton is Crystal Parizanski.

Crystal Parizanski was, I think, going for the Britney Spears look, but with a "make-up tan," it wasn't going to cut it. Combine that with an almost infinite supply of ditziness and some poor singing "talent," and you've got yourself an interesting (but unsuccessful) audition.

Crystal: You need me to explain anything?
Simon: Yes, the tan.
Crystal: OK, um . . . my name is Crystal. Umm . . . I just –
Simon: No, I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: OK. I'm singing "And I'm Telling You" by Jennifer Holliday.
Simon: No, no, no. I want to hear about your suntan.
Crystal: Oh, my suntan?
Simon: Yeah, yeah.
Crystal: I go tanning.
Simon: (sarcastically) Noooo!
Crystal: But I don't think that's of main importance here.
Simon: No, but it is quite prominent.
Crystal: Oh, it is?

They called in Crystal's mother to see what she though, and before entering, Paula whispered, "She has the same eye makeup on." Post-audition, Crystal insisted that "American Idol is not the next round," but that the next round would instead be when she became a huge star on her own.

You can also view Crystal's MySpace profile, if you're so inclined.

There are two videos thus far:

1. Crystal's audition! You may also view this below as well.
2. The Lady Marmalade video, compiling multiple American Idol auditions using this song. Crystal appears twice: Once intially for just a second, screaming, and once at the end for about 45 seconds, trying to sing "More, more, more."

The 1½ Calorie Breath Mint

Lindsay Lohan says "Tic Tacs: They're not just for breakfast any more!"

I discovered this fake advertisement long before Lindsay Lohan admitted that she struggled with bulimia, but well after everyone already knew it.

Now that Lohan has admitted her bulimia, this joke has sort of become poor taste, so that's why I'm posting it.

While researching for this post, I discovered that Tic Tac is brought to us by Italian company Ferrero, the same company that makes Ferrero Rocher, Nutella, and Kinder Eggs!

Dasani has a set of commercials out with experts telling you about their product. The entertaining thing is that these "experts" are a dog, a hamster, and a bear.

No, they aren't cartoons, and they aren't actual animals with the fake moving CGI mouth. They're people, dressed in big animal suits. The dog tells you that drinking Dasani will "take the taste-of-tennis ball right out of your yap," while the bear informs you about other companies' mountain stream water: "You do not want any of that. There's salmon in there. And you know what they're doing? Spawning!"

And why, prey tell, are these commercials so amuzing? Simple. Dasani hired Wes Anderson (Bottle Rocket, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou) to direct them.

Head to Dasani's website, which will load up a Flash page. From there, put your mouse over "TV Ads," click on "Watch the New Ads," and click on "Watch the ads from 2005."

This week's trailer is for Date Movie.

If you liked Scary Movie, you'll probably like Date Movie, as it is advertised as "From the 2 of the 6 writers of 'Scary Movie.'" Scary Movie obviously poked fun at the horror movie genre, but you'll never guess which genre of movie Date Movie mocks.

Date Movie stars Alyson Hannigan. If you don't recognize her as Lily from How I Met Your Mother, Willow from Buffy, or at least as Michelle (the "One time, at band camp . . . " girl) from the American Pie trilogy. At first I rolled my eyes to see that it was yet another fat-suit movie, but then I realized that this was a satirical movie, so the fat-suit was really the best path to take.

As shown in the trailer, Date Movie doesn't stop with only date movies. It 0also spoofs popular comedies such as Napoleon Dynamite, Wedding Crashers, and Meet the Fockers.

Watch the trailer or visit the official site.