The Smarmy Carny

This page includes roundups for Super Bowl commercials, ads, and advertisements since 2005.

For the latest posts on television commercials, including in-depth analysis of Super Bowl Commercials on the Big Game day, check out the Commercials category.

2008 - Super Bowl XLII

Coming very soon! For now, see reviews on videos on the Commercials category page.

Dishonorable Mention - Super Bowl XL Commercials:

• salesgenie.com - There were plenty of hard sells during this Super Bowl, but this was the worst of the worst. This commercial filled every requirement for "Commercials you see at 4 am and no other time": Lousy acting, a company you've never heard of, and a boring sell. I'm thinking about paying to have a third arm genetically added to my torso just so I can give this commercial three thumbs down.
• CBS - If you're going to promote the same show over and over, how about coming up with enough different promos for it to fill up the number of times you'll be playing it? Other companies are paying millions for their time — why do the networks think they can get away with airing the same old promo clips that we've been watching between shows for the past three weeks?

2006 - Super Bowl XL

Top 10 - Super Bowl XL Commercials:

10. Sharpie, Hook
9. Burger King, Whopperettes
8. Tostitos, Teamwork
7. Budweiser, Streaker
6. Ameriquest, Fly
5. ABC, Lost
4. Bud Light, Magic Fridge
3. Ameriquest, Turbulence
2. GM Hummer, Little Monster
1. FedEx, Caveman

Dishonorable Mention - Super Bowl XL Commercials:

• Blockbuster Online - BB broke the third no-no of Super Bowl advertising: Don't try a hard sell. Your goal during the Super Bowl is to increase your company's popularity, not to waste 30 seconds of our lives telling us the boring details of your online package that we've already had explained to us while renting movies at Blockbuster. If that weren't enough, why not rerun the same lousy commercial multiple times? I've seen entertaining online rental commercials before, so I know it can be done.
• Gillette Fusion - Apparently, we're up to five blades now. The Quattro has been outdone! With the release of the Quattro, we all thought, "Well, that's about it. No one is going to bother to release a five-bladed razor." Turns out, we were wrong. If four weren't enough, then I guess it's not out of the question to expect a six-bladed razor in a year or two. How many is enough? I personally use a disposable, two-bladed razor. My theory is that, if the first four don't get the job done, what's that fifth one going to do differently? My biggest annoyance here is this: Don't make a fifth blade sound like a huge governmental secret. You added another blade. Big whoop. Read more about my thoughts on the increasing number of blades on razors.
• Slim-Fast, Overstock.com, Westin Hotels - Boring, average commercials. These companies paid far too much for so many people to ignore their commercials. The only reason to stay awake during these was that we were hoping for a surprise ending. That said, I am interested in Westin Hotels' smoke-free hotels idea, but it's still a lousy Super Bowl commercial.

USA Today Ad Meter Winners - Super Bowl XL Commercials:

10. Budweiser, Wave
9. Ameriquest, Turbulence
8. Bud Light, Hidden Bottles
7. Ameriquest, Fly
6. Budweiser, Streaker
5. Bud Light, Rooftop
4. Sierra Mist, Security
3. FedEx, Caveman
2. Budweiser, Young Clydesdale Dreams Big
1. Bud Light, Secret Fridge

Commercials of Interest:

• ABC: Lost gets an awesome commercial during the Super Bowl. Mr. Ekko gives Locke the filmstrip, but it has Robert Palmer on it. They load the film, and Robert Palmer appears, singing “Addicted to Lost.” On the “throat is tight” line, we see Charlie being choked by Ethan. On the addiction theme, Jack asks, “When was your last fix?” Of course, the commercial ends with Locke’s line: “We’re going to have to watch that again.” Watch video, including the extended, 3-minute version!
• Ameriquest: Two doctors are standing over a patient, but a pesky fly keeps buzzing about their heads. One of them grabs the defibrillator (the electric pads they rub together and discharge on people’s chest) and zaps the fly right ouf of the air, killing it instantly. The fly falls out of the air, right onto the patient’s chest. The guy bends over to look closely at the fly just as the patient’s wife and daughter walk in to visit him. Just as the relatives walk in, the doctor declares, “Well, that killed him.” The wife and daughter give a look of horror, and the doctors, realizing the situation, give a similar look back. Watch video.
• Ameriquest: The second Ameriquest “Don’t judge too quickly” commercial is as entertaining as the first one. During a nighttime flight, a woman in a window seat needs to get out of her seat. The problem is that two sleeping men are between her and the aisle. The man in the aisle seat is wearing a sleeping mask. She gets up, shimmies past the first passenger, and is about to pass the second man. At just the right moment, some turbulence rattles the plane around a bit, knocking the woman forward so she ends up straddling the man’s lap, and she pushes the sleeping mask up his head just a little bit. Of course, the turbulence wakes the entire plane up, and the lights come on. Everyone sees this woman straddling the man, who has a sleeping mask around his head. Classic. Watch video.
• Bud Light: A guy stocks his fridge full of Bud Light. In order to keep his visitors from stealing all of his bottles, he installs a hidden revolving wall. The wall turns around, and the fridge is replaced by a desk and two chairs. We then pan across to the back of the wall, where we see a couple guys in the next apartment quickly unloading the fridge. One of the guys yells into the other room, “Guys! The Magic Fridge is back!” Classic Bud Light commercial. Good times. Watch video.
• Budweiser: The football-playing Clydesdales are back. As they line up at the line of scrimmage with the assortment of animals on the sideline, a fully-shorn sheep runs out onto the field. One of the cowboys watching the game comments, “Streaker.” The sheep then stands up on its hind legs and writhes around for a bit. Viewers are spared as the bottom of the screen is blocked by an animal’s head. The cowboy responds, “Didn’t need to see that.” Watch video.
• Burger King: Burger King returns with another eccentric commercial. This time, it’s the Whopperettes. A few dozen women are dressed in fancy gowns, symbolizing lettuce, onions, tomatoes, mayonnaise, beef patties, and a hamburger bun. One by one, each of the condiments piles onto each other to form a Whopper. Particularly disturbing (and, at the same time, comical) were the beef patty and mayonnaise dresses. This was not my favorite Burger King commercial as of late (such as the “Fantasy Ranch” commercial), but it certainly takes the cake — I mean the Whopper. Watch video.
• Degree for Men: In this Degree commercial, we see a typical day in Stunt City. Guys take taxis by jumping onto the trunk and hanging on, grab onto helicopters, and (of course) punch through their bathroom mirror to get their Degree deoderant. Watch video.
• Disney: This Disney commercial shows the various Super Bowl players practicing the “I’m Going to Disney World!” victory line. Players from both sides keep trying and trying, watching video of former players and asking friends for advice. Not funny, but this one is a nice, solid commercial.
• Emerald of California: This commercial begins with three businessmen playing around with some machetes. One of the eagle-eyed businessmen recognizes co-worker Bob across the room. Bob is a little man wearing a druid’s cloak, but he is on the phone, doing business and otherwise networking. He sits down at his desk, which is in a little section underneath some stairs. The words “Eagle-eyed Machete Enthusiasts Recognize A Little Druid Networking Under The Stairs” appear on the screen as an announcer says them.The letters rearrange themselves, and we see that this phrase is an anagram for EMERALD NUTS. This has got to be one of the strangest commercials of this year’s Super Bowl. Remember, this is the company that brought us the commercial last year with the father lying to his daughter about Santa and the Easter Bunny (being fake) so he can avoid sharing his food with her.
• FedEx: A caveman attaches some sort of a stick to the leg of a flying pteradactyl-like creature. The bird takes off, but is soon grabbed out of the air by a large dinosaur. The same caveman returns to a cave, where another caveman (his boss) is sitting. He explains (in Caveman tongue) that the package did not arrive. The boss asks, “Did you use FedEx?” and the caveman replies that he didn’t. The boss then prompty fires him. The caveman defends himself by yelling out, “But FedEx doesn’t even exist yet!” His boss simply replies, “That’s not my problem.” The caveman walks out of the cave in a huff, kicks a small, dog-sized dinosaur, and is promptly crushed by a huge brontosaurus-like foot. Watch video.
• GM Hummer: Godzilla-sized monsters, a huge robot and a huge lizard, fall in love. The two monsters marry, and stomp around the city. Soon, we see that the giant lizard is pregnant. Later, we see the robot working, and suddenly rush to his wife. She has given birth . . . to a Hummer H3. Watch video.
• McDonald's: A hamster sits on a bench, talking to one of those comfortable Ronald McDonald statue. The hamster talks about his ability to be a professional football mascot. His idea is that he could roll into the stadium in a hamster ball, pop out, run across the field, and do a swan dive into a pile of wood chips. All in all, a subtle commercial, but for McDonalds, it’s above par. Watch video.
• Nationwide Insurance: In a fake Fabio-brand shampoo commercial, Fabio drives a gondola while the female rider keeps glancing at him. She looks up one last time, and Fabio is now an old, wrinkled man. Nationwide points out that life moves fast. Not the best Super Bowl commercial, but it was memorable. Watch video.
• Sharpie: A guy who works as a children’s mascot tells about why the new retractable Sharpie is so convenient. He plays a Captain Hook-like character, with a huge head and a hook. He complains about the hook, and we see him fumbling around with several different things. He also adds that the hook makes it impossible to sign autographs, as there’s no way to get the caps off of the Sharpies. The Sharpie retractable pen is everything to him, as he needs only the one hand to sign his autographs now. Watch video.
• Sprint: Two friends are changing in a locker room, and one of them is talking about his new Sprint phone. Among the benefits, he mentions “crime deterrent.” His friend asks, “Crime deterrent?”, so the guy tells him to try and take his wallet. As the guy goes for the wallet, the Sprint customer whips the phone and hits his friend directly in the face, knocking him to the floor. The guy gets up and threatens to report him, at which point, the Sprint owner again fires the phone at his head, knocking him out. Violent, but fun. Watch video.
• Tostitos: This Tostitos commercial shows three male office workers eating Tostitos and staring out the window. The see three construction workers — one digging and three standing there watching. One of the office workers comments about how typical that is, and that it would never fly in the corporate world. The camera then shows us that, in the same conference room, a fourth (female) office worker is sitting at a laptop, working away. Finally, she says “I’ve got it!” and the other three come over to take a look. One of the three office workers says “Nice job, team!” This, of course, garners a raised eyebrow from the female worker. Watch video.

Other Commercials of Note:

• Aleve: Leonard Nimoy's hand pain gets in way of an appearance.
• Bud Light: Office manager motivates employees with hidden bottles.
• Bud Light: Man saves himself from scary bear.
• Bud Light: Men pretend to work on rooftops, but relax instead.
• Budweiser: Stadium crowd turns a wave into a Bud promotion.
• CareerBuilder: Employees commiserate about workplace animals.
• Diet Pepsi: Jackie Chan appears in an action film.
• Here's to Beer.com: Drinkers toast to beer in different languages.
• MasterCard: MacGyver buys lifesaving gadgets with MasterCard.
• Michelob Ultra Amber: Touch football gets ugly.
• NFL Mobile: Fan checks scores at checkout line.
• Sierra Mist: Sierra Mist can't clear airport security.
• Sprint: Man downloads music for any occasion from Sprint phone.
• Toyota: Tacoma pickup rides out the incoming tide.

2005 - Super Bowl XXXIX

Top Five Commercials

Note: These video links haven't been checked in a year. The may not work. You have been warned.

Burt = Celebrity

1. FedEx / Kinko's, 10 Keys to the Best Super Bowl Commercial (2nd link): From celebrities to animals to attractive girls, FedEx really does a great job of poking fun at the stereotypical Super Bowl advertisement.
2. Ameriquest, Don't Judge: You're Being Robbed (2nd link): These silly hands-free cellphone kits cause problems for an unsuspecting convenience store shopper.
3. Bud Light, Parachuting (2nd link): This typical comic Bud Light ad does not disappoint. Bud ads like this are great because they can easily be talked about around the water cooler the next day, and they usually are.
4. Anheuser-Busch, Thanks (2nd and 3rd links): Everyone in an airport terminal stand and applaud American soldiers arriving back in the States. Very simple, very classy, very touching.
5. Olympus, New Groove Machine (2nd link): Some interesting CGI in this commercial has people dancing in a weird fashion. Not exactly Monkey-Matrix moves, but just as cool. I haven't seen any CGI this much fun since the recent HP Photo commercials.

Honorable Mention (in no particular order):

• McDonald's, Lincoln Fry (2nd link): This commercial pokes fun at all those people who find objects of food that look like things or people.
• Anheuser Busch, While You Were Out (2nd link): Another good Bud Light commercial. Two guys use their cameraphone to try to harass a buddy who had turned down tickets for the big game.
• Emerald of California, The Truth: A father lies to his daughter about Santa and the Easter Bunny (being fake) so he can avoid sharing his food.
• Ameriquest, Don't Judge: Cat (2nd link): Another Ameriquest "Don't Judge" commercial. This time the confusion comes from a pesky cat bothering a husband's dinner preparations.
• GoDaddy.com, FCC Panel: A buxom girl in a skimpy shirt tries to pass her commercial by the FCC decency panel. Here is a link for the slightly different banned version. In fact, here's two minutes of the full hearing coverage.

Dishonorable Mention

2005's dishonorable mention grand prize goes out to Cosentino USA's "I am Diana Pearl" spot featuring Ditka, Rodman, Perry, and McMahon. I'll never get that 30 seconds back again. As if the commercial wasn't sad and boring enough, not only did we have to hear celebrities repeating "I am Diana Pearl," but you only hear three of them repeating it over and over and over. Runners-up are all of Fox's promos for 24, The Simple Life, and whatever else. We know you have other shows. We don't care. We want you to rake in the additional money and give us more content! If nothing else, at least make the promos worthy of the Super Bowl, and not the exact same clips that we see at 2 am. Second runner-up dishonorable mention goes to Cialis. Yes, I really needed to hear about yet another erectile disfunction product. The commercial was made interesting only by the phrase "Erections lasting longer than four hours, though rare . . . "